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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Parents of adult children

What to do when adult kids don't want to leave home?

73 replies

Diamondzzz · 02/08/2018 20:15

I'm a single mum to a son 20 and daughter 24. Apart from a few years when I was married (not to their dad) I've brought them up on my own and always put them first. They have never gone without and fortunately we've always been ok financially because I have always worked.

A year ago I decided to downsize to a smaller house so that I could pay off the mortgage and have less financial commitments and work part time. To do this, it has meant that they have a bedroom each in the house and I have a caravan in the garden. This was something I was willing to do to have a less stressful life and still give my kids somewhere to live.

The problem is that I planned on each of them contributing financially. I only want £25 a week from each of them which works out as them paying a quarter each and me paying half of the bills. I think this is fair as it is much cheaper for them than living anywhere else and it should be nicer to share with family rather than strangers. My son's girlfriend has also been living with us since January and I haven't asked for any extra money from her. If I lived here on my own, I could just about afford it. The bills would be cheaper as I wouldn't be paying full council tax and using as much water and electricity, etc. so I think it's reasonable for them to contribute something. However, my son and his girlfriend won't hold down a regular job and always say they don't have the money to pay me. Yet they always have cash for takeaways and trips out. Until recently, my daughter has paid me and didn't mind as she said it was very cheap compared to what she would have to pay to rent a room somewhere else. But now, she is understandably fed up with being the only one paying and I've had to agree to her stopping paying me until her brother does. The house is also a complete mess as nobody ever cleans up and everyone denies it's their mess. I've given up as I would spend most of my evenings cleaning and doing chores to keep on top of it and I'm rarely in the house so resent clearing up other people's mess. There always seems to be arguments because my son and daughter, don't want each other living here.

It's got to the point where I have told them that in January I want them all to leave. This has caused a lot of discontent. My daughter is moody and says I'm being selfish and blames her brother for causing the situation. She thinks it's perfectly acceptable to live with your parents indefinitely. My son is cocky about it and says I won't throw them out in January and that if I do, he will never speak to me again. He thinks that I am being totally unreasonable to expect a penny from them and tells me to get a full time job if I'm worried about paying the bills.

I really don't know what to do. I left home at 17 and most of my friends did at around the same age. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to provide for themselves at their ages or at the very least for them to contribute a small amount here and stop acting like kids.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice on this?

Thanks.

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MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 02/08/2018 20:20

I think it's absolutely fine to live with your parents as long as you pay your way, take on a fair share of chores and don't act like a moody teen when you're in your 20's and it's a mutual choice. I think you're perfectly reasonable to expect that at a minimum, and I can't believe your kids are letting you sleep in a caravan in your own house. Even if they were paying you money, one of them should have taken the caravan.

Stick to your guns, giving them until January is more than generous.