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Daughter coerced back to abusive boyfriend...

(8 Posts)
9580mark Tue 26-Jun-18 14:55:38

Hi all, I really don't know where to turn as every option seems to hit a dead end.
Our 18yo daughter started seeing her first boyfriend of the same age just under a tear ago. This was great time for her and the chap she was seeing was (I though) a nice lad. This soon changed, he stopped coming round to our house and insisted out daughter meet him 'out' or at his when his mum was working.
the mood at home started to change as well, she became very defensive of him, her whereabouts and pretty much anything (very out of character). It wasn't until I overheard her on the phone to him shouting and swearing at her, threatening to do himself harm and calling her some very unpleasant names, that I realised not all was well with their relationship. That particular conversation was due to her 'letting her phone run out of charge and not replying to his messages quick enough!
These conversations took a familiar tone each time they talked and I had to intervene at one point stating that this was not acceptable and assured him that this was a form of abuse.

They worked at the same place and went to the same collage which didn't help when she finally decided she had had enough. I helped her find another job and we informed the college of the situation due to arguments occurring on college grounds when he wanted to 'discuss' it with her.

Unbeknownst to me and her mum, he was frantically trying to get her to start seeing him again and over time, his persistence payed off after he convinced my daughter he'd changed!

well, we are back in the same situation a couple of months down the line and there's a noticeable change in my daughters persona and confidence... she's due to start Uni in September and I'm so worried she'll get there in her current state and not embrace the Uni life and opportunities it has to offer.... Additionally, It's so hard seeing her like this knowing he's treating her so appallingly.

The Police state that I can't do anything unless my daughter wishes to press charges and I'm limited as to what I can do myself without getting myself into trouble which needs to be avoided for countless reasons (work, family, income)

I feel helpless and total unable to help her. I know she needs to want to do something about it but, she's obviously not in the best position to make that change.

Has anyone gone or going through this and is there any advice you can give? I've run so many scenarios through my head and reading the news really doesn't help! none of them seem to end well when partners become controlling, overbearing and abusive. As far as I know, he hasn't hit her but what he's doing to her isn't much better.

Thanks in advance
Mark

Prawnofthepatriarchy Wed 27-Jun-18 03:44:35

Didn't want to read and run. I think you'd get better feedback if you post this is on the Relationships board. There are lots of experts on toxic relationships there. flowers

Chocolatelavender Wed 27-Jun-18 04:05:19

I have no good advice. As a parent I want protect my daughter too. I would be tempted to scare the crap out of him so he leaves my daughter alone. However, that would probably be counter productive. The last thing a parent wants to do is alienate their adult child or drive them away because they want to protect their partner from you. It is such a difficult situation. Offer continued support. Always be there for her if she needs you. Talk to domestic violence professionals or read publications about dv. Try to get as knowledgeable as you can so you can offer the best help you can. I don't know what else to say except that this must be an awful thing to go through. No parent wants to see their children being hurt or threatened. flowers

reddressblueshoes Wed 27-Jun-18 04:43:43

Ultimately she has to be the one to decide to end the relationship and step away, and the most important thing you can do is try to ensure she knows she can always go to you.

Is there any way you could convince her to contact Womens aid for a chat? I believe they're seeing more and more young women and teens, she can just make an anonymous call to discuss the way the relationship makes her feel and someone impartial may help her start to understand its destructive pattern.

flumpybear Wed 27-Jun-18 05:45:15

Will she be completely away from him at uni? Or do they live near each other still - hopefully they're too far away to see much of each other and she'll realise there are better men out there

9580mark Wed 27-Jun-18 09:22:10

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I'm not sure how to move the thread but thats a good bit of advice. I'm new here and didn't know where would be best.

@Chocolatelavender Thank you and yes the thought of having a 'quiet word' with him did cross my mind but would still land me on the wrong side of the law if I was reported grin(

@reddressblueshoes Womans aid? I've not heard of it but will be looking into that as an option and I'll pass her thew details, she knows the current situation isn't healthy but seems lost as to how to finish things cleanly and for good. Thank you.

@flumpybear The uni she will be attending isn't too far away and as they both drive now, there is definitely a chance he'll see her and my worry is, she'll miss out on so much if he's determined to control her time. I really do hope she meets someone who can demonstrate what a respectful man can offer and be there to enjoy life with her rather than tell her what she can and can't do. Thanks for your reply's.

Jupiterrose Wed 11-Jul-18 09:07:05

Very hard to watch your child being abused and controlled read up on narcissistic abuse and boundaries

jellyshoeswithdiamonds Wed 11-Jul-18 09:26:48

Op, have reported this thread to ask for it to be moved to relationship section.

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