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Adult son and daughter in law

(30 Posts)
Hippychick51 Tue 26-Jun-18 03:29:43

Hi I really hope someone can help me see clearly through this one ... I feel my adult son is being controlled by his new wife, I feel he’s not allowed to be himself and has to do as he’s told! Consequently I’m treading on egg shells as to not upset anyone but finding it hard to see him in this controlling relationship. He’s not strong enough to stand up to her and sadly it’s all about her and her family. I keep telling myself to stop worrying about it but I’m having sleepless nights. I would never speak out of turn to either of them but it’s breaking my heart.
Thank you for any guidance I receive.

Helendee Sat 29-Sep-18 11:30:22

Hippy chick I have exactly the same situation. Please feel free to PM me if you would like to x

pott12 Fri 28-Sep-18 08:51:04

Hi my son is 39 ,his partner have just given birth to a little girl ,I am very pleased for them,she beautiful,and we were very excited as our family thought my son couldn’t have children ,but because my future daughter in-law wanted a boy (she’s very tomboyish )she doesn’t want any girly or pink clothing etc on her baby ,she was going to purchase a boys outfit and I said “Omg you can’t you will give baby a complex “she didn’t reply on another occasion I said it again ,still no reply from her ,well not to me but to someone else ,now I’m not allowed to see or have anything to do with their baby until she ready to talk to me ,I’ve spoken with my son and he’s hoping it will just go away (he’s very laid back ) I’ve asked him when I will get to see my granddaughter but he just says he don’t want to talk about it ,i’ve tried speaking to my sons partner but one word has led to another and now everything has got twisted ,please advise me on what to do should I try speaking to her or just sit back and wait , it’s my own fault I know , I’m so heartbroken .

Mumziiwumzii71 Wed 26-Sep-18 17:22:50

I have my 28yr old son and his pregnant girlfriend plus their four cats living in my two bed home with me but we can't seem to agree on rent I only work 16 hrs PW he works 20 + PW she doesn't work and we don't get any benefits, I'm really struggling to keep a roof over our heads, any advice?

missyB1 Mon 16-Jul-18 17:04:31

Can’t believe a pp called this guy a wuss and tried to make out that must be OPs fault! Wonder if people would say that about a woman who had to toe the line in a relationship??
OP my ds marriage is similar. she’s a lovely girl but he worships her so much that he seems to have given up doing all the things he used to love, just to keep her happy. It worries me, but I keep quiet. He knows I’m here for him if he needs me.

ajandjjmum Mon 16-Jul-18 16:57:06

Could it not be a wider family gathering, including DIL's Mum. Maybe you could offer to host?

Arum51 Mon 16-Jul-18 16:46:05

Do you have a partner? Because if so, it would certainly seem unfair to leave DIL's mother actually on her own at Christmas, when you have a partner?

Osirus Mon 16-Jul-18 16:40:07

My DH is like this with his mum. He always says yes to plans and sometimes changes his mind but it is nothing to do with me; he doesn’t like socialising much. As it’s his family, I let him decide if he wants us to go or not. We rarely go out with my family, if ever, so there’s no competition there.

I’m sure his mum blames me though. We got married with just two witnesses last year, she was one of them. She blamed me for keeping it a secret and not having any guests when it was actually mostly my DH’s decision.

People change all the time, even your adult children. They may not be the same person they were when they last lived with you.

Hippychick51 Tue 26-Jun-18 23:16:54

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. I have a few ideas that I'll put into action and keep my fingers crossed. Im non confrontational and don't want to create a situation so I'll just go with the flo as my very lovely mum used to say.
Thanks again all

watchingwithinterest Tue 26-Jun-18 15:27:50

If dil mother is on her own then no doubt she feels obliged to be there for her possibly? You may seem very independent in comparison.
Have you considered befriending her mother? That is what I would do. Invite all of them to your house for Christmas

Raven88 Tue 26-Jun-18 15:23:49

Are you alone on Christmas if they don't come to you?

SnuggyBuggy Tue 26-Jun-18 15:19:24

What if you suggested a meet up and asked him what date worked? Would she refuse to let him even if it was a date that was free?

Copperbonnet Tue 26-Jun-18 14:32:29

Approach them both together about Christmas. Nice and early to give them time to discuss.

You could invite her Mum to join the celebration at yours if she’d otherwise be alone.

It’s really hard to balance everyone at Christmas. It may be her Mum isn’t as reasonable as you.

Fflamingo Tue 26-Jun-18 13:11:28

He's not allowed to make his own plans he did mention to me once that she was like a school teacher I didn't believe him but I'm beginning too

Oh dear, and he is a big wooss who is scared to speak up - and this is the son you brought up to be like this.
Sad but he is partially to blame in this.

GreenTulips Tue 26-Jun-18 12:31:00

Can you agree to seeing them Christmas Eve or New Year's Day as a compromise?

Hi son, which dates are you free for a visit? Give him choices and see what happens

Hippychick51 Tue 26-Jun-18 12:25:05

They are expecting a baby in January. They have just found out about the pregnancy. I'm very happy about the news.

Hippychick51 Tue 26-Jun-18 12:24:00

Thank you
We used to have wonderful Christmases when he was younger so he knows how much we enjoy that time of year. We have talked about it and I've asked if they can take it in turns but sadly to no avail. He's not allowed to make his own plans he did mention to me once that she was like a school teacher I didn't believe him but I'm beginning too. Put everything aside we have a great relationship I've had to really work hard at it tho as I know how easily the tables can turn.

ShackUp Tue 26-Jun-18 11:27:23

We don't do Christmas at PILs because they have form for 'kicking off' and causing a scene. We go for MIL's birthday instead, which is soon after. Perhaps you could invite DIL at that time of year and have a 'second Christmas?'. It might be less pressure than Christmas itself.

Fflamingo Tue 26-Jun-18 07:39:00

Do they have children? If they dont' you might find they visit more where the DCs are most welcome. Or where they are allowed to leave DCs so they can go out.
There's is only one Xmas each year. Perhaps aim to have a visit at a different time.

acornsandnuts Tue 26-Jun-18 07:27:35

It could be that your DIL doesn’t know how important Christmas and other events are to you because your son isn’t telling her.

You need to have an honest conversation with him and really stop blaming his wife until you have that chat. He may just not have spoke up because he wants an easy life, which in turn means he is hurting you.

SnuggyBuggy Tue 26-Jun-18 07:25:08

Could it just be that he is a bit rubbish at making plans? My in laws have to be very proactive with DH, I never try to stop him seeing them but at the same time I won't make arrangements for him.

Could his wife's family be the sort who make plans way in advance so he gets "booked up"?

DaphneduM Tue 26-Jun-18 07:22:13

You sound lovely - I have experience of this. It is a massive adjustment for everyone after adult children get married, some families are more demanding than others, whereas some people are reasonable and sensitive and therefore feel that they are at the back of the queue when it comes to time spent together. It does get easier, I always try to see it from their point of view that they have busy lives and they also need time to themselves. Having said that, I had a massive bout of depression last year from this very issue - but like you, I realise I have a very full life with a lovely husband and great friends. The fact that you have a good relationship with your daughter in law is a great positive, things will resolve themselves, I'm sure. Just make sure you bite your lip and don't give any indication of upset. I feel for you very much.

Hippychick51 Tue 26-Jun-18 07:19:42

Thank you

Hippychick51 Tue 26-Jun-18 07:18:26

Her parents have separated. The dad lives abroad. Mum seems to have barriers up and seems quite hard if that makes sense, so I guess it's easier to keep her happy?
Yes I'll consider speaking to DIL about arrangements but don't want my son to feel totally out of control. I know he's a bit of a soft touch like me and I would like to keep a little bit of a relationship with him.

swimmerlab Tue 26-Jun-18 07:09:10

Have you met her parents? I'm wondering if her family aren't as laid back and nice about everything and therefore it's easier to go along with what they want?

I would also speak to DIL rather than son when you're doing the inviting as well, see if it makes a difference. It's not always as easy to say no to someone directly as it via someone else.

Hippychick51 Tue 26-Jun-18 06:59:19

Thanks for your replies. I would never let onto either of them how I feel. I have a great relationship with DIL. It's just something I need to chew the fat on. When ever I try to have a family get together for a birthday or special occasion he sounds keen when I speak to him then all of a sudden he can't come. I appreciate they lead busy lifestyle's.... Christmas is the worse time for me. We spend it on our own as each year they go to her side of the family. It would be nice if they can take it in turns or perhaps I'm expecting too much. I have a loving relationship with both of them and would never let on how I feel. I always fit in with their plans and am cheerful and happy when around them if a little soft. My life is busy I have my own business, friends and interests. Perhaps I just need to man up

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