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Son in law committed suicide 2 weeks ago

(37 Posts)
meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 14:29:45

Hi my daughters ex fiancé hung himswlf 2 weeks ago. He was just 22 and he had custody of my youngest grandchild aged 2. Sadly he killed himself with my grandson in the flat shutting himself away in the living room texting someone to pick GC up ASAP but no one came as baby was left 20 hours.
He had custody as he wouldn’t give my grandson back after having him stay 11 months ago.
My daughter has her son back now.

I am struggling to work out why I knwonhe was struggling but I was taking to him daily even upto when he did it a couple hours before we were making plans to meet up and he promised he always be there for his children.

Father’s Day will be a huge gap for these young children the questions they will have is upsetting for them in the future.

I wish he’d reached out ....

DearMrDilkington Sun 17-Jun-18 14:33:17

I'm so sorry. [flowers

ADressIsFabric Sun 17-Jun-18 14:38:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HollowTalk Sun 17-Jun-18 14:40:12

What a horrible situation. That poor baby and your poor daughter, too. I'm glad she's got her child back again.

flowers for your family.

LoniceraJaponica Sun 17-Jun-18 14:42:10

Oh, how dreadful for you all flowers

Flisspaps Sun 17-Jun-18 14:43:38

I'm so sorry @meme70.

My stepdad killed himself last month. We will never, ever have the answers that we so desperately need sad We weren't close, but I am blown away by how sad I am, I don't usually display my emotions but I find myself getting upset by the strangest things.

It's very early days (for us and for you). It's a different grief to other kinds of death apparently. If you need to talk to anyone there is a charity called SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide) who have bases in various parts of the country.

DearMrDilkington Sun 17-Jun-18 14:44:38

flowers *

How are you all coping? Are you receiving any support to help deal with it all? Please try not to bottle any emotions up, the samaritans have a 24/7 helpline if you ever need to talk to someone. Or there's always mumsnet if your more comfortable writing on here. Just don't suffer in silence flowers

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:02:52

@ADressIsFabric

Sorrybwhay does that mean ??

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:03:15

@ADressIsFabric sorry what does that mean ?

Aridane Sun 17-Jun-18 15:03:44

Poor man and flowers to you and your family. How tragic the final cry for help / request for DS to be picked up immediately went unanswered for 20 hours

Aridane Sun 17-Jun-18 15:04:16

I’ve reported dress’s post

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:04:43

@Flisspaps I’m so sorry for your loss
Yes this grieving is different as suicide is preventable and as I didn’t prevent it the guilt eats you up xx

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:05:54

@DearMrDilkington
Everyone around me didn’t hardly know him he onves lives with me and my daughter and I talked to him regalaury they don’t see why I’m upset

Thesearmsofmine Sun 17-Jun-18 15:06:11

I’m sorry. What a difficult time for you all.

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:07:06

@Aridane he lives a distance from me across the Solent he text his grandparents who were 5 minutes away do t knwknwhy they didn’t go I will never know

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:07:32

Thankyou everyone it’s a strange draining feeling one I think that will stay with me daily

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:08:20

@Aridane

What did that reply mean ?
Too many trolls on here tbh there’s so many angry people waiting to bash others

Thankyou

FiestaThenSiesta Sun 17-Jun-18 15:09:21

I don’t understand why people are reporting Dress. I read that as a comment on the part where he took the baby/child away from his mum, who was the primary carer, during “his” time and refused to return him for the last 11 months.

Aridane Sun 17-Jun-18 15:14:28

I had taken dress’s
OST to mean the act of suicide was about power and control,and a toddler tantrum. Apologies if I’ve misunderstood.

Aridane Sun 17-Jun-18 15:15:00

How terrible,for everyone

Flisspaps Sun 17-Jun-18 15:15:24

@meme70 No-one is responsible, but I'm not sure that the guilt will ever really go. We'll always be left with what ifs and if onlys.

There was only one person who could have stopped it, but they're not here.

The coroner's office said something on the phone about honouring or accepting his final act (I can't remember the exact phrase).

Also one of the police officers that attended to him at the scene (we met the officer the following day) reiterated that this was my stepdad's choice, that lots of people go through depression and unthinkable trauma and don't end their lives. They've definitely helped me reframe it as something he chose, and not something anyone else caused.

It's phenomenally shit.

FiestaThenSiesta Sun 17-Jun-18 15:19:46

Yeah Aridane, maybe you should not jump on other posters with your preconceived notions and stick to supporting the OP.

Yogagirl123 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:22:55

So sorry, a death by suicide is hard to cope with. Often they are the last people you would expect and hide their depression or a worry from everyone and are in such a dark place they are unable to seek help. Very sad when it’s someone so young with so much to live for.

Counselling may help when your DD is ready, they are also many good resources available on line for the families of people gone too soon.

Your DD GP can help put your DD in touch with healthcare professionals that may be able to help her and her children deal with their feelings.

Hopefully, the inquest may provide some answers to the unanswered questions you may have.

So sorry for your loss flowers

meme70 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:27:52

Thankyou everyone
It’s really an awful thing I wish he knew the devastation that’s followed

Bombardier25966 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:28:46

I read it the same as you @Aridane, the previous poster was allocating blame, entirely inappropriate and uncalled for.

meme70, a person commits suicide when they decide they have no value to anyone, that their presence is more hassle than it has value. Honestly, short of physically restraining the person sometimes suicide is not preventable, you couldn't have stopped this tragedy from happening. I'm so sorry for your loss, your grief is entirely legitimate, I hope you find peace with what has happened in time.

LollipopStop Sun 17-Jun-18 15:32:23

NC'd as outing.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My partner chose to end his life just over three years ago. The most valuable piece of advice I was given was to stop questioning why.

I have found therapy very useful and am just about to move in with my new partner - I wouldn't have believed I would ever have a partner again at the time, so things do get easier. I won't say better, everything will change, life will never be the same, but it does become a different kind of good.

Aridane Sun 17-Jun-18 15:33:53

(thank you, bombardier)

Bombardier25966 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:35:16

It’s really an awful thing I wish he knew the devastation that’s followed

He quite possibly did, but would see that as a short term pain whereas him still being here would be more of a burden/ hassle to you.

Suicide is rarely a spontaneous act. It's normally long thought about, with the pros and cons and the impact on others all considered. It may be that he kept going until now so as to avoid hurt to others, but eventually his pain became so overwhelming that he felt it was the best option to all.

that lots of people go through depression and unthinkable trauma and don't end their lives.

That's an ignorant viewpoint with zero understanding of mental health. It's the equivalent of saying not everyone dies from cancer. We're unique beings, our bodies and minds all react differently.

Hefzi Sun 17-Jun-18 15:36:24

OP, I'm so sorry flowers. Sadly, I think no one could have stopped him, though that doesn't stop you feeling guilty I know: in his mind, he was doing the best thing possible for everyone, including his son. He made what he thought at the time, almost certainly, was the selfless choice: his mind will have been telling him that everyone was better off without him. He was clearly a very troubled young man, but when someone has made their mind up, it's almost impossible to dissuade them: if someone had stopped him this time, he may well have been successful on another occasion.

Sending flowers to you and your family, and to other people whose loved ones have died from suicide.

Pikachuneedshelp Sun 17-Jun-18 15:36:52

I also reported it Aridane

I don’t have any wise words OP, but I am so sorry.

IJustHadToNameChange Sun 17-Jun-18 15:38:21

While I'm sorry for your loss OP, the disregard for your grandson's safety is stunning.

I'm glad he's safe and your daughter has her child back.

Bombardier25966 Sun 17-Jun-18 15:38:48

(Flisspaps, please don't think I'm calling you ignorant, my comment is aimed at the officer that said it. Given how many mental health issues the police have to deal with, it's saddening to see them make such comments, which could cause great misunderstanding to the bereaved.)

Aridane Sun 17-Jun-18 15:39:12

(It’s deleted now anyway)

FiestaThenSiesta Sun 17-Jun-18 15:40:29

Bombardier, this is pretty offensive
“, a person commits suicide when they decide they have no value to anyone, that their presence is more hassle than it has value. ”

People commit suicide for many complex reasons. Often, they are also ill. To reduce this to what you wrote is offensive.

rainbowruthie Sun 17-Jun-18 15:55:40

So sorry for your loss.....sending you kind thoughts flowers

Flisspaps Sun 17-Jun-18 17:48:51

@Bombardier25966 thanks for clarifying, I was about to get quite sniffy 😂 strangely the comment appeared to help my sister at that point (she'd asked the PC why he thought DSD had done it), as it illustrated that it wasn't down to anything she had done/not done - DSD made a decision that perhaps someone else wouldn't have done, or even that he might not have made on a different day.

Natalieburney Tue 04-Dec-18 02:20:23

I live in dread every day I come home and my son has killed himself

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