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Am I right disowning my dad?

(6 Posts)
AnonGem Fri 15-Jun-18 01:30:23

As this is anonymous, I don’t mind sharing my life story regarding my dad. So here goes...
I am 19 years old and have decided to completely cut off all ties with my dad. Up until roughly 14 he was always in prison. I have no childhood memories with him and to be honest, I don’t mind as my mum has been the only parent I need. When he came out of prison for the last time, he was amazing to my sisters and I. He treated us like we were his world and spent so much time with us. This relationship has crumbled within the last 5 years, and it revolves around him getting a ‘new’ family. At the beginning, his partner was really great with us. Always putting in effort to take us places and create a bond. However, in the last year she has completely changed. She doesn’t like to talk to me anymore and purposely tries to leave us out of family gatherings. She makes me feel uncomfortable in their home and gets angry if my dad gives us money. This may sound extreme and like I have an insecurity around her, but it is the gods honest truth. My father doesn’t even realise it. Our relationship has become a phone call a week and he no longer cares about what I am doing in my life. I decided that I don’t want the tears and anger anymore, I am more than happy to let go of him. He didn’t even realise that I wasn’t picking up his calls for about a month, and he jokes that I have ‘disowned’ him. Next month I plan to return the phone that he is paying for, which will be the last form of relationship we have. This is because he constantly says that I only speak to him for money, I no longer want his help with anything. But I have been told that in the end I will regret it and that life is too short. I shouldn’t ‘cut off my nose to spite my face’. What do you guys think?

marjorie25 Fri 15-Jun-18 01:41:29

Could you and your dad go somewhere private, just the two of you and tell him exactly what you wrote here.
When you set up the meeting, just ask him could you meet up just the two of you as you have something private you want to discuss with him.
If he wants to bring his girlfriend, reiterate that you would lke a private meeting with him.
After the meeting, I would give him a month to see how things are and if they don't improve, then do what you wrote here.
I am not sure why partners seem to feel threatened by children of their spouses/partners. After all you find someone with a child(ren), they are not going to suddenly disappear. They always will be part of the man/woman they are with.
Hope things work out - good luck.

HirplesWithHaggis Fri 15-Jun-18 01:55:47

Your dad and his new partner seem to have changed towards you since you legally became an adult, a year or so ago. Lots of people, even parents of younger children, seem to imagine that the second you turn 18 you no longer need parental support - I have seen it here on MN many times. I wonder if that's a factor for you?

I wouldn't cut your dad off completely at this point. But you and he need to start to establish a relationship between two adults, not a father/child one. It's not easy, especially in your circumstances, but can be done with goodwill on both sides. It might be that your dad can't or won't respond, and ultimately you may have to walk away, but I would give it time yet.

squeekums Fri 15-Jun-18 02:23:07

Ive done it, i was 15
My dad was an abusive gambling addicted alcoholic who kicked me out at 15 when i told him to sack up, pay his bills, feed us kids, get help and actually parent
Best move i ever made, i felt nothing but relief when i heard he had died.

Now while my situation is a little different, there is no rule that says you must have contact with him. If he does nothing but cause harm and stress, dont bother trying, its his loss and given he was in jail for most of your life its on HIM to try gain your trust, its on him to stand up to his wife, not you to fight her or him for a basic relationship. Dont listen to his money guilt trips, how rude of him. Id also take guilt trips as a sign of how the relationship may pan out, not a good sign either
Do what you need to protect YOU, whats best for you. I honestly feel you owe him nothing

Chocolate50 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:48:27

If you really don't need him then move on without him.
I would first make sure that its just about his lack of care over the years. There's a history that's led you to feel this way i get that. I mean I think if there's any doubt in your mind about why you're doing this its worth telling him how you feel. See how he reacts & depending on that you then choose what you do.
It just sounds like he's never really been there for you & it must be so hard to see him playing daddy & hubby in a new family.

I don't have much experience personally of absent fathers but my DH had a dd just like yours. Never there, in & out of prison. Just very selfish. I think its just permanently damaged the relationship i mean you can't get that time back & his priorities were elsewhere.

I hope you make the right choice for you.

MarciaClark Sat 25-Aug-18 14:59:18

Don't be in such a rush to cut off contact with him just yet. I think it would be wise to spend some time together just the two of you and lay all of your cards out on the table so to speak and tell him exactly how you feel, even if it means digging up the past about him going to prison and being an absent father for most of your life. It's important to give him the opportunity to rectify this matter, and of course you don't know what conversations take place behind closed doors with his partner and what influence she has over him. Sit down and talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want out of your relationship with him and if those needs can't be met then it may be wise to take a break for a while but don't cut him off completely.

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