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Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?my mum is due to inherit some money very soon and while my aunt is giving a wedge to my cousin, my mum hasn't said she will offer my brother and I a penny but

(8 Posts)
Kelwar Thu 31-May-18 06:15:30

my mum is due to inherit some money very soon and while my aunt is giving a wedge to my cousin, my mum hasn't said she will offer my brother and I a penny but instead has spoken of all the lovely things she will spend the money on for herself... she has pleaded poverty our whole lives and has never given us anything, we both struggled as young adults and with her new found (surprise) inheritance it would be nice if she helped us a little.. or have a little to her grandchildren... I feel a bit hurt as I would definitely give to my children if I were in the same boat

BIWI Thu 31-May-18 06:19:55

It's difficult, but it's her money and therefore up to her what she'll do with it.

It's also very easy to say what you would do until it happens to you! My DB and I have been in a very similar situation, and my DB always railed about our DF never giving us any money, and how it should be given to us/our children (DF's grandchildren) - but once DB got his hands on the money, none of it has gone his children's way!

Don't let this come between you. Money, as they say, is often the root of all evil - and family arguments about money can be devastating.

If you've struggled with money all your life, that also means that your mum has, and probably for longer and had it harder, as she was bringing up a family, so surely she is entitled to enjoy the money that has been left to her?

It's tough though, and I sympathise with you.

Imchlibob Thu 31-May-18 06:31:57

It is her money and her choice. It is very scary planning for retirement not knowing how long you will live and what level of care you might need, knowing how awful the last few years can be, so she may feel she needs to save it all.

Equally if that's not her main priority she may have plans to enjoy life a bit and have a few holidays and luxuries.

Either way it is her choice. If the relative who died wanted the money to come to you they could have left it to you. They didn't so it's your mum's money.

Kelwar Thu 31-May-18 06:33:29

Thank you, your response with really nice... my mum has been with a relatively wealthy man for many years and has lived a wonderful life travelling and living in nice houses.. I was at boarding school.. (it was a way of getting rid of me rather than providing a great education, I started st the age of 6) as soon as I left school I fended for myself and it was made quite clear at 18 I was to move out..my aunt lives in a council flat but gave my cousin her last everything... she had the uni experience and everything she ever needed.. I love my cousin so certainly don't resent the life she has had, I just wish my mum were more nurturing like her sister..

PilarTernera Thu 31-May-18 10:27:02

YANBU, but the real issue is not the money. You have a difficult relationship with her and she is not the mum you wish you had. It's hard to come to terms with, especially when you see other mothers and daughters with loving relationships.

Kelwar Thu 31-May-18 12:40:36

Yes that is exactly it.. I think of she had been generally supportive my whole life then this wouldn't be an issue at all.. it's just another thing to stack on a huge list of things she hasn't done for us... so yes.. you are spot on

Cocoamamma Sat 04-Aug-18 19:53:37

I understand the mother you wish you had vs the one you've actually got.
It's a bitter pill to swallow. I've had to do it myself.

It just makes you fight harder for your kids to ensure they never feel like that.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.
Don't make more excuses for your mothers behaviour. I get it's not about the money.

I have no idea the scenario behind the inheritance but Sometimes people follow convention in will making as it's expected that they leave money in a natural progression. Different generations see things differently.
...and sometimes we do things and act in a certain way and follow convention (with our parents) because it is expected of us. It's a pattern that we think we must follow because it breaks from convention to refuse that relationship, or to talk about things that are seen as taboo.

Just remember to protect yourself. I mean emotionally. If you've pushed through issues about your mother from before don't let another situation with her affect who you are. She brought you in to this world and you're truly thankful for that bit but you owe her nothing and she appears to think she owes you nothing as well.

I feel like I sound really harsh and I probably am being a little because I read this and I empathised and I've been there.
Just don't expect much and you won't be disappointed. She's given you the picture and however horrible it is you've got to accept it.
Most importantly,
Women have a tendency to internalise these mum problems. I don't know if you have... But it's not you! It's her!

Are you being unreasonable- maybe a little. Are you entitled to be - absolutely.

Clairenewbie Sat 04-Aug-18 20:40:52

This isn’t really about the money, it’s you wanting a mum just like your aunt, that’s the real root of it all. You see your aunt being close to her daughter while you were sent away. Let her keep her money, and you concentrate on being the mum to you kid that she wasn’t to you. Remember the saying, it’s lonely when your alone. And she will be as she gets older and frailer and finding her kids are having a life rather than sitting with her in her old age.

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