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Am I a monster?(11 Posts)
My daughter is mid-20s and has been very difficult since her teens. Her father who I split from when she was 7 was (and I understand still is) a controlling bully and became very violent. I kept the family home running paying the mortgage etc and did my best but everything going wrong in her life has always been my fault. She has been depressed and I've tried to help in a number of ways but she has always thrown this back in my face.
After university she moved into a flatshare and has had several others since in between travelling. I moved last year into a much smaller property and paid off my mortgage. Due to the end of a tenancy and an overseas job coming up in a couple of months she has moved in with me (my suggestion to help her out) but is not giving me or my home any respect.
I am at the end of my tether, she has stuff strewn across the house and tells me it's not her fault she can't afford to buy her own property and has too much stuff and keeps telling me I only have the house because of her and I am just to entitled NB her father neve paid towards my mortgage and I had a property before I met him. It is so upsetting, I did say the other day I needed her stuff cleared away (none of it is stacked neatly it is literally all over the floor) and she was going on about how she will have her room as she likes it. My response was it is not her room but that she was a guest in my house. This has sent her absolutely raging and I'm being verbally attacked at every opportunity as a 'fucking selfish bitch', not a proper parent and don't care (sadly, all things I've heard before).
I am at my wit's end but I do feel she is an adult and i do not have to provide a home for her if she is going to behave like this. I would also point that although she has a reasonably paid job she is not contributing financially and I find I am buying foods she likes etc for her although I have not been working for a month (I'm not stony broke - so that's not a sob story and I'm back to work next week but she actually earns the same as me).
Am i a monster, doormat or what. I just feel like the shit on her shoe at the moment and it's make me depressed.
Are communal space s tidy? If so I’d shut the door on her bed room and let her strew her stuff in there.
She should be contributing towards food, bills and housework though. That’s what grown ups do.
I do feel for you it sounds really hard.
Kick her out. That's absolutely ridiculous behaviour from a grown woman. She's trying to manipulate /emotionally blackmail you. Lots of people's parents get divorced. They don't keep acting out when they are in their 20s. She is behaving in an appalling fashion and you shouldn't have to put up with it in your own home. And she needs to grow the fuck up
No communal areas aren't tidy! Apparently this is because she is still tidying her room (you can hardly shut the door) and she is not home much because she doesn't like being round me (except when she does) and because I have said it's not her home, she isn't going to respect it.
Her behaviour reminds me so much of her father's verbal abuse, gaslighting, etc. She is seeing him more these days (he wasn't so interested when she was younger) and I get the impression he is egging her on. He may have been the one to say I was disgusting for saying my house is not her home, whilst having a much bigger property and a big lump sum from the one I sold but not offering her somewhere to stay. This is not her childhood home, she was away technically 7 years and I only moved here last year. My heart is breaking over this.
I have told her she needs to go if she can't respect me or my home and she just says, I have to let her stay because it such a short time til she goes away for a few months. She says everyone she knows cannot believe I have said it is not it her home and they all think I am a wicked, evil person. I do question myself constantly and have spent time having counselling previously over her outbursts but my friends agree with the sentiments here so far.
Stand your ground and if you want to give her one last chance she has to stick to a list of ground rules, tidy, rent, food contributions, out of curtesy letting you know when she will be out all night so you are not half listening out of concern for her return. Be clear that she cannot stay if she does not agree and tell her you will pack her stuff and put it in bags outside for her to collect and you'll be changing get the locks. She has a lot of anger and it sounds misplaced, but she is an adult. Tell her treating anyone, a friend, landlord, partner, work colleague the way she is treating you is out of order. make sure she knows you mean it and make sure you follow through. Sounds like her alleged friends are either made up or coke heads, from reading your posts the only thing you've perhaps been is too soft with her, toughen up, hard to do I know but she's a grown woman and she needs to respect you and your home. Shes making your life a misery, she needs to provide for and be responsible for herself.
You divorced her father because he was an abusive wanker (I assume)
Well she's going the same way so it's time to protect your self again.
Make concrete boundaries.
She wants to stay? Then she stfu and does what you say. Tell her what chores she has to do. Tell her exactly what you want done. Then tell her she does them or you'll pack up her shit and drop it at her fathers.
That doesn't work for her? Then she better get her act together and do as she's told.
She's not a child. Make her see reality.
You're such a monster? Well at least you let her stay. Ask her straight how many times her dad has asked her to stay?
If she says he hasn't then tell her that you're all she has so she better start actin better before she has no one.
If she says he's offered literally get a bag and start putting her stuff in there and say she can go there now.
Kick her out. Unless you have a tenancy agreement, she has no rights and is a guest in your house. Tell her that. You'll feel better once she's gone.
No advice, just sympathy. My dd’s father was abusive and at 20 she’s turned out to be a female version of him. Lazy, abusive, rude and unpleasant. Living at home at the moment after being sacked from another job. Can’t kick her out as she has nowhere to go. I hope you get things worked out x
Punt her out on her arse! Treating you absolutely terrible when you’ve tried to help her, she won’t learn and continue to treat you like that unless you show tough love
If you put her out you'll lose your daughter.
Genuinely, do not listen to people who think you should sever your tie with your child.
Some of the advice on here is frightening!