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Adult son advice please

(3 Posts)
cuddly61 Sun 08-Apr-18 20:25:28

I divorced my husband back in 2002 .it was a messy divorce .basically it was domestic violence and he was a control freak he wouldn’t allow me any friends I had to hand my wages over to him until I finished work to have our children.
Now when I left him only two of my sons moved out with me my 16 year old insisted he was staying with his dad.
To cut a long story short the social worker persuaded me to let my other two sons go to their dads temporarily as their behaviour was basically out of control refusing to go to school etc ,they was like this before I left.
But unknown to me she was working with my husband to persuade my sons to stay with their father. By the time I got her took off the case for being biased. It was too late the damage had been done they had successfully poisoned my sons mind against me.
It took about a year before my middle son would see me then my youngest they was 11 and 13. But my eldest only started talking to me about six years ago at a family event.
Then he got in touch because his girlfriend had left him and as his dad and brothers didn’t like her they wouldn’t help him to look for her etc.
So I helped him he was suicidal I wasn’t going to say no.
Well things was ok between us but as soon as they got back together he didn’t want to know me, at my middle sons wedding he hardly spoke .their dad refused to be in any group photos I was in . And I was sat right at the end of the top table yet it was their dad who refused to speak to me I had said to my son I was willing to speak to their dad.
Anyway I never get a mother’s day card or birthday card from my sons and only my middle son gives me a Christmas card and gift.
Every year I send them all birthday cards and money and Christmas cards and money . Now my eldest is 32 this year and my mum said on the rare occasions he goes to see them he says not nice things about me.
Is it time to say enough is enough and stop sending him cards and money ,my youngest son is fine with me and he has never been the type to send cards it took him several years to buy his girlfriend a engagement ring . My middle son speaks to me and visits once a year at Christmas but then I’m subjected to being pressured into signing my half of the house over to his dad ,his has done this ever since I left his dad. But as my youngest who is 25 still lives at home I would not make a claim anyway.
I just don’t know what to do about my eldest son as it’s clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me.
He moved but I don’t know his address I usually wait till I see there is no one at his dads house and put it through the door.
The last conversation I had with my eldest was on messenger he said he had ptsd and been told it was caused by childhood neglect .now take in account that he actually dragged his dad off me not long before I left ,one time when we was talking he said it was me who hit his dad not the other way round. I let him carry on going on about things I had suppose to had done just so he could get it out his system .
But when he said he had been told he had ptsd caused by child hood neglect I’m afraid I told him exactly what it was like in my marriage to his dad even before he was born and what it was like living with his dad. I literally poured my heart out.telling him no I admit I wasn’t mother of the year but I did then have a undiagnosed mental illness back then. But they never went without food. They always had nice clothes . But when they started being naughty their dad would do nothing .by naughty I mean setting fire to part of the garden as their dad would leave his lighter about . one would light aerosols his dad did nothing so I had a fireman talk to him but my son just laughed.
I was cooking one day went out to the back yard the eldest two locked me out and my youngest was in the house ,the eldest two then was about 11 and 14 .i had to smash the glass in my back door and climb through it very carefully as they refused to unlock the door and my cooker was on .
And for over a year the eldest refused to go to school he didn’t care when I told him I could end up in jail.
So I was getting his bad behaviour 24/7 no help what so ever from his dad.
So when he tells me he has ptsd caused through childhood neglect saying it was my fault I had had enough . I had helped him win his girlfriend back but during this time I didn’t know she was on drugs.
While I was there she got a big knife .i called the police, then as she threatened my son a few hours later I stood in front on him and told her to pick on me and leave my son alone .
But he still stayed with her.
So is it time to stop sending him cards and money and stop torturing myself that he might one day want to see me or is that just a pipe dream.
His birthday is next week.

Dancinggoat Tue 10-Apr-18 23:15:02

Don't ever give up hope.
Let him know you're there for him.
He may not contact you but a bet he'll look out for the card from you.
Always keep a communication line open.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

cuddly61 Wed 11-Apr-18 10:07:39

Thank you I got him a card but was wondering what to do . I leave it at my mums as he might visit them to pick up his card from them.
Trouble is to my brothers daughters have always been my mums favourites my middle son said to me once when he was younger why had grannie got photos up of her other grandchildren and non of them.
Also when my son got married mum just wanted a photo of me and my three boys not one of my son and his wife.
By then she had actually got a photo up of my three boys but then once she got this new photo instead of adding it to her photos in her room she just took their old photo out the frame and put the new one in.
So my son gave her a framed photo of him and his bride.i found that hidden away in a drawer.
Yet my brothers daughter graduated and these two big photos appear proudly in her room .
So this is probably why my sons don’t go and visit them very often.
She says she doesn’t favour her granddaughters but it’s obvious,

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