20 year old son

[Bansy]

I've been having problems with my son for the last 2/3 years. He's rude, been through the punching holes in doors and walls stage, never helps out etc etc. But he's doing well at uni. Doesn't pay board and lodging and still expects me to pay for things like writing pads, pens, bedroom furniture. He told me 2 weeks ago that he wanted to spend his birthday with his friends as they were going to a club. I said why not go the day before as family wanted to come over. He stormed out the house and stayed with these 'friends' who aren't doing anything with their lives (he knew them from school, not uni friends). He's now told me that they're not going to a club but staying at the pals' (a group of brothers who were bought a flat by their rich granddad, so live alone) house. I could understand the going to a club thing but this is really pissing me off. Can't kick him out as he's midway through his course.

[Poshindevon]

You know your son is difficult so when he said he wanted to go to a club why not just let him go. He is an adult not a child to see aunties and uncles on his birthday. I dont understand why his choice where to spend his birthday is pissing you off.
The fact that he is rude and demanding is a seperate issue. Why cant he stay in student accomodation?

[Bansy]

I did say I was fine with him going to a club, you know - like a party atmosphere. What annoyed me was that he then decided to just stay at his mates and drink.

[Bansy]

Just realised how OP looks. He's been staying with the brothers for approx. 80% of the last 8 months. He comes home when he needs something done eg, when he's ill and needs me to book dr's appt (and take him there), wants me to sort out his car tax/insurance/car repairs, fill out student loan forms. I want him to move out completely and not be home only when it suits him. He's now home because the other house is too noisy and he can't get peace to study. I'm a blooming doormat.
Latest - he sent everyone who sent him birthday messages a 'cheers', apart from me. I just want him either leave 100% or if staying home, give me a tiny bit of respect.

[Dancinggoat]

They do come and go. Coming home when ill , needing help etc is normal.
You sound like you expect too much from him. There's a stage between independence and being dependent. You don't switch from one to the other straight away.
Nothing wrong than celebrating in a house with mates.
Pick your battles. Don't isolate him. Be glad he still needs you sometimes.