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Adult Children remote and distant

(4 Posts)
MrsChristmas123 Sun 04-Mar-18 12:18:00

Hello there

Please can I ask for some advice?

I have been a single mother of three children who are all grown up now.

Their father divorced me many years ago (he had someone else although he denied it). My ex husband wanted to divorce amicably and sort the finances out between us. At that time I was incredibly hurt and anger and it was sorted out at court.

I was divorced before pension sharing was available so I was given amount every month to look after the children and me and I supplemented it with part time work. It was tough and I think the children survived although it wasn't easy for them.

As time went by (after 20 years) the amount that I was getting wasn't enough and my house was falling in disrepair and I hadn't the money to pay for that. I was in my early 60s and had retired. I live on my own as my children have grown and have their own lives

My divorce settlement was open ended so I had the option of going back to court to finalise it which I did. My ex-husband was furious with me although I had warned him that I was vulnerable financially and needed things finalised.

This was dragged out over a year because my ex-husband resented it so much, saying it had impacted on his second marriage and family (I was told this through my children).Then he started involving my three grown up children who became extremely hostile towards me and even got them to negotiate on his behalf. It was awful.

The final straw was my son told me that if I went ahead with court proceedings he would never forgive me. My daughter was vicious towards me and my youngest refused to speak to me.

In the end, I decided to stop the court proceedings to get my children back on good terms with me. I even wrote a letter of apology to my ex husband and his family. My solicitor talked me out of this saying if I stopped now my ex husband could cut me off completely. I'd already put a charge on my house as I coudn't pay legal fees. I was looking at selling my house to pay solicitors fees and that was all I had in the world.

My ex husband is a multi millionaire and could afford it but just didn't want to settle. He liked things the way they were, giving me a pittance every month and spending everything he had on his family.

So, it was settled and I am now financially independent after 30 years of being under the financial thumb of another man.

I'm starting a small business and it's doing something that I love.

My children are still cold towards me. If I didn't keep in contact with me I would never see them probably. They have all been brought houses by their father and been taken on some wonderful holidays. Something I could never do.

My youngest daughter came to live with me a while ago and it was so painful to stand at the door and watch her walk out to her father's car (with his wife and children in the back) to be taken to look at the house he was going to buy her. I am pleased for her but I guess I do feel a bit left out. She has left home now and is living in her new house. I have to call her to make an appointment to come and see her.

On mother's day I will see my middle daughter but I have to travel to see her as she can't or won't come and see me.

My son has moved abroad and married and we havn't spoken for months. I don't have an address where he lives to send a card at Christmas. I just get his post to send to a PO address. I have sent cards, messages and so on but no response.

I do understand that my children were very upset about me having to go back to court but I don't think they understand why I had to, even when I tried to explain they just got angry with me saying that I was hurting their dad. They wanted me to negotiate with him directly but, quite frankly, after my first experience with my ex husband at court, I didn't trust him. He is very wealthy and powerful.

So, I am grieving for the close relationship that I had with my children which was destroyed two years ago.

I know time is a great healer and I hope that my children will understand one day.

I have tried talking to my children but they hate it and they get really nasty saying I created the problem. They wanted me to get on with their father so that there would social gatherings that I could go to and all would be lovely but they seem to forget that I have feelings too.

I know that I have to get along with their father and we used to before the court case but he wants nothing to do with me and now the children are suffering.

Is there is anything I can do make this right or hope that, eventually, things will heal?

I know my daughter wants to get married but she is talking about having two separate ceremonies. I have no animosity to their father now that the finances are settled but he is adamant that he doesn't want me around him.

MaryPeary Thu 22-Mar-18 18:14:02

Mrs Christmas, this sounds so lonely for you. Do you think your children would read it if you sent them what you've written here? I'm no counsellor, but I think maybe they would respond better if they could see that you'd reflected on what happened and acknowledged your own part in things. Can you think of anything else which they may harbour resentment about, that perhaps they feel they need to talk about with you?
I do hope that you have other interests which give you fulfilment. Sending you best wishes and wishing you good luck.

Brook50 Tue 03-Apr-18 18:43:30

Hi I'm new here. I searched online for people in the same boat as me. I've three grown up children, two still living at home and one married with three children of her own. Although I have a boyfriend he is a single dad and we don't parent together as he is seldom here. So for most of my children's lives I have been a single parent and although I love them dearly and do the best I can, I really find it a struggle. Now they are old enough to do their own thing but chose to spend it in front of their screens, computer, laptop, phones. They don't have many friends and are fairly shy. I enrolled the two who live at home in our local health club to try to persuade them to go out and socialize and keep fit more. They don't go often. The youngest (18) has six weeks till her a levels but has a nervous breakdown when I tell her to study. I have booked her in to see a counsekkor as she has been having panic attacks and preceding this the other students ignore her at school and her friend hangs out with others and doesn't spend time with my daughter unless there's some reward in it. My son (26) is unemployed and seems like a hermit spending all his time sat at his computer and writing online. He is unemployed and must be searching for a jib. But he hasn't Bern sent for interview. He dropped out if uni in his second year after missing some exams due to sleeping too much. He's list his confidence. When he was in school he was top of class in one of the tip five schools in Britain its so sad their precious life's are wasting away and annoying that they are lazy and don't do any housework. I've been very down I have several health problems but have to try and stay positive to set a good example. I'm very lonely even though I go to the club when I can, my disabilities mean I can't do many of the exercises. Would just be nice to know I'm not Aline and someone understands. But also I'm here to share positive stories too and help others as I have years if experience. .

dottypotter Fri 08-Jun-18 13:26:37

Theres a facebook group parents estranged from adult children

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