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Adult daughter in debt - advice please.

(33 Posts)
xpc316e Wed 14-Feb-18 16:05:31

I have a soon to be 25 year old step-daughter who is constantly broke and asking for handouts.

She has a graduate-entry job in recruitment in London where she lives in a shared house. Her monthly outgoings are not high, although we haven't actually sat down and talked through her budget, and she is not a frivolous spender. She has the usual student debt after her degree.

She has lived away from home for just over a year and we don't see her very much, although we skype and message often. She has had quite a few loans (amounting to just under a grand) from me over the past year and for last Xmas I wrote them off as a gift. Her wages seem to last for a shorter period each month - this month she'd run out of money on the 8th. Yet again, I stepped up to the plate and bailed her out.

She has a boyfriend who has just moved to Manchester, so she is in a long-distance relationship. We've met the boyfriend just once and he seems like a really nice chap.

My chief concern is whether her money is being spent on drugs of some kind. I have chatted to my pal and my idea is to try to get her to come home for a weekend, and arrange a time to discuss her budget/finances with a promise that her Mum and I will not explode over anything we are told. That sounds like a sensible thing to do, but do you wise women have any other suggestions about angles and approaches that we could adopt?

Her Mum seems less worried than I am, but that may be because I am the source of most of the bailouts and perhaps unwisely have pledged to my daughter that her situation is private. I have another another step-daughter, aged 23, still living at home, who is very quick to bring up any imbalance between the way she and her older sister are treated. If she knew, it would a case of 'Why aren't you giving me money too?'

Don't get me wrong: I am happy to support her, because that is what parents are supposed to do, but I am not overflowing with cash myself and will retire in April. Money for me will then be somewhat tighter, and I may not be able to fund her.

Any help and advice would be gratefully received.

AdaColeman Wed 14-Feb-18 19:28:42

While I think the pre paid supermarket shop is a nice idea, it should be a last resort, only used in an extreme situation.

She must learn to stand on her own feet and be a grown up now.

GeorgeTheHippo Wed 14-Feb-18 19:57:00

Yes, and they can spend an awful lot on nights out. You do need to stop bailing her out. She needs to learn to adult now.

Elle8989 Wed 14-Feb-18 20:01:16

Has your sd not explained already where your money is going. It seems she's pushing it asking for money but not saying it's for this or that. It seems she is heavily reliant on you yet has all the freedom to spend it on what she sees fit. I'd definitely want to know exactly what it was for and why she has run out of money. You say she's not a frivolous spender but you don't know what's she's spending it on.

Once you have sat down and have a clearer understanding then you can help her budget plus see if she is taking the micky or genuinely just got herself in a pickle with living in London with low wages and high rent. Or it might be she hasno more expensive cocktails! I hope she realises how lucky she is you helping out so you can continue living in London.

She should also understand about your retirement and that you need to be watching your own money so you feel secure for a rainy day.

xpc316e Wed 14-Feb-18 20:16:21

To be clear, she isn't living in the lap of luxury; she is sharing a house with a whole bunch of people in Camberwell. Her money doesn't go on clothes. In fact, her wardrobe is old and she wears stuff that she has had for ages. She perfected the art of eating cheaply when at Uni and doesn't exist on takeaways. She is a vegan who is lactose-intolerant, so ends up making her own food for the majority of the time. She has always had jobs: even when at school she had weekend jobs in shops and later waitressing in pubs, so she isn't a spoilt little brat who thinks money grows on trees. She has a good track record, so you can perhaps understand my concerns about where the cash is going.

I have chatted to her Mum tonight and we are in agreement about the sit down budget chat and the withdrawal of support unless it is an emergency.

I very much appreciate getting your perspectives on the situation, so a big 'thank you' to everyone who has taken time to tell me what they think.

GardenGeek Wed 14-Feb-18 20:18:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats Wed 14-Feb-18 20:21:39

Just want to say you sound like a great parent.

needmysleep75 Thu 15-Feb-18 15:51:40

It will be going on going out at that age. I've just had my DS23 move home after getting himself in a mess financially. After we sat and looked through his outgoings it wasn't living expenses/food/clothes it was the nights out that had caused the issues. And if I'm honest with you knowing you will bail her out has meant she doesn't need to change. Sit her down tell her straight there will be no more money, ask if you can help her with a budget but at her age you can't insist on her telling you her financial dealings.

Fairylea Thu 15-Feb-18 19:36:55

Slightly off topic but I don’t think I’ve ever spent so much on food in my life as when I was a vegan for 2 years. If you do it properly a lot of the replacement foods are expensive - nuts, seeds, berries, soya stuff, vegan “cheese” and other substitutes and vegan ice cream (yep you don’t need those but who wants to live without treats?!) are all SO expensive!

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