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Aibu my son's feud

(9 Posts)
Elsie1966 Sun 11-Feb-18 08:55:54

My son's aged 32 and 28 haven't spoken to each other for 5yrs. It was quite a nasty argument and a lot of hurtful things were said between them.
They seem to drag me into this feud firstly my younger son 2 yrs ago on my 50th b'day accused me of choosing my eldest son over him because I couldn't get the 2 of them to come to see me on my b'day so arranged for them to come up on different days and buggered off for the day with my dh. My youngest son didn't speak to me for 4months on that occasion and then it was only because I was rushed to hospital with suspected p.e.
Now their grandmother passed away last month and she requested that my youngest son be bearer but their aunt needed one more so asked me to ask my eldest son as well. He of course said yes but then text me to inform his brother NOT to speak to him or approach him in any way shape or form as he didn't want to cause a scene because of him. I replied that perhaps it would be better if someone else would go as bearer as he obviously still had a problem being in the same vicinity as his brother and that this was a very difficult time for his dad and me as we were burying our mum at the end of the day.
He then rang me and started ranting and shouting at me calling me things saying I was disgusting and my behaviour was shocking so I put the phone down on him as he wouldn't allow me to speak and he was clearly just out to hurt me.
He then sent me a text saying he was devastated I'd hung up on him that I'd clearly sided with his brother and he wanted nothing more to do with me or any of the family. He blocked me on his phone so I can't even get in touch that way.
It's breaking my heart and I am asking for advice

Galaxyfarfaraway Wed 14-Feb-18 16:35:03

I think you need to tell them individually that you will not speak to them about the other and will not be brought into their argument. Leave or put the phone down if they try.
Are they settled with their own families. ? Could you get their wives/partners to talk to them. Do they hate each other more than they care for you?
If they have children you can remind them that you love kids equally but differently, and need to stay out of their arguments.
Finally tell them to grow the f* up.

pallisers Wed 14-Feb-18 16:38:42

They are ridiculous.

Fine if they want to be non-contact but this amount of drama and dragging mummy into it all is ridiculous.

And the self-centeredness of making a grandmother's funeral about himself - that boy needs a mental kick in the ass so he can get his head out of said ass.

I would write a joint letter to both of them along the lines of Dear Bill and Bob, I understand you do not wish to have anything to do with each other. I regret this but accept it as your decision and will not interfere. I am not part of your argument and have no intention of being part of your argument. I love both of you and from now on will not discuss my relationship with one of my sons with the other. With much love, Mum.

Dancinggoat Fri 16-Feb-18 15:54:02

I agree with the above posts.
A letter written to both of them is a great idea.
Has their D said anything to them. Why is it down to you to mediate.

Elsie1966 Mon 19-Feb-18 10:27:51

Thanks for reply
Their dad has basically told them the same. Not the way to treat their mum but it seems they just don't care
I always raised them to be polite and courteous of their elders but it seems this hasn't continued in their adulthood.
My youngest son still phone's me almost 3 times a week but my eldest son still has me blocked and whilst this non contact is hurting me deeply I'm hoping that he will eventually get in touch with me by some means. I have written a letter but decided not to post it yet for fear of more reprisals and more upset I feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

CobraKai Mon 19-Feb-18 10:29:50

Tell them both to grow the hell up.

TellerTuesday4EVA Mon 19-Feb-18 10:38:05

I do feel for you OP it must be an awful situation to find yourself in.

DH & his brother have not spoken for 3.5 now & I do feel sorry for MIL.

I think like others have said a letter or email to both would be the best way as if not it just leads to a lot of he said/he said & get can get twisted what you've said to the other one.

TellerTuesday4EVA Mon 19-Feb-18 10:38:26

3 & 1/2 years

TrappedAndLost Mon 19-Feb-18 10:44:13

My children are only little and I dread the day when they are grown and fall out.
You do not need or deserve to be abused by your son verbally.
I also think a joint letter to let them know they are both loved equally, your sad at the situation but they are adult and it's their business.
Lastly sorry for your loss. More stress is the last thing you need flowers

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