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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Parents of adult children

My Child ?

39 replies

decentchap · 06/02/2018 20:47

I know one of my children is not genetically linked to me.
I hate deceit and betrayal and will leave if I can even though I am older.
I broached the subject, my wife lied and I have nothing left. I knew from day 1 he wasnt ;mine' genetically but it wasnt his fault. He's lmid twenties now and I feel the betrayal needs to be exposed.
As women what do you think ? Careful I may become a mysoginist.

OP posts:

Report

pinkyredrose · 06/02/2018 20:48

How do you know they're not yours?

Lettucepray · 06/02/2018 20:52

So why have you left it all this time? You need to consider this grown up child, what impact it will have on them. Are you 100% sure?Because

LIZS · 06/02/2018 21:01

You believe you have brought up someone else's child for pver 20 years and said nothing you could do a dna test to check. What if it turns out he is yours and you've doubted needlessly?

decentchap · 06/02/2018 21:05

I know because men know when they have had sex and do actual use the tables in 'women's' books to check due dates. I also know because my wife was having a affair with a married man before I married her. She said it ended but I found out it never had.
I have left it so long because I do not like hurting people - I can cope and always have now as life reaches autumn I have decided I need to think rather more of myself.
I think I have been a decent chap considering others before myself. Betrayal is, however, betrayal.

OP posts:

decentchap · 06/02/2018 21:07

DNA checks require both parents signature or the adult concerned - once you ask its exposed, besides, I do actually know. I am no idiot, just sadly, believed in love and commitment and respect.

OP posts:

rainbowruthie · 06/02/2018 21:07

Why would you want to hurt him?

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/02/2018 21:10

Surely you are their father after being the parent for all these years. Who will benefit from dna tests now ?
You need to think very carefully about your motivations.
I'm sorry that this has been weighing on you for years and maybe you need to talk with your partner or a neutral. I know 2 families where this information has come out.. both families exploded and a lot of unhappiness was created for innocents. I also know that almost every family has concealed secrets that people put aside and live with. It isn't always the worst option.

SparklyMagpie · 06/02/2018 21:12

I just can't get my head around you not getting a DNA test years ago!!??

How many people do you think say " oh the child isn't mine,I just know" and it turns out infact they are ?

SparklyMagpie · 06/02/2018 21:13

I do agree though, you are the father, you've been there all their life

supersop60 · 06/02/2018 21:17

If you already know there is no genetic link, what will a DNA test do for you?
If you are unhappy, just leave - that's the advice that a woman would get on here.
Do you want this 'child' to know you are not his 'real' dad? How will that affect him? If you are a decent chap, think about the consequences of thinking more of yourself. It sounds to me like you have understandable resentment because of the betrayal and now you want to punish someone.
BTW what on earth are women's books?

savingmysanity · 06/02/2018 21:26

As someone who found out I wasn't related to my dad when I was relatively old (15/16) do not do that to your son. It does not harm anyone but your pride for him to continue to believe you are his dad. There is no need for you to do that to him. At all.

Leave your wife if that will make you feel better. Do not take your anger and hurt out on your son.

AgentProvocateur · 06/02/2018 21:30

You’re his dad in every way that counts. You’ve been his dad for over 20 years. Leave your wife if you must, but please think carefully before you blow your son’s world apart.

decentchap · 06/02/2018 21:31

I have 20+ years of being a father, do I have any rights here ?
No, of course I don't want to hurt anyone, my wife however didnt think of this when she slept with a married man after having just (3 years) married another person. Let us not presume a 3 year abstinance.
I am sure as sure can be, maybe 100 %
Women's books - the advised books for those who are pregnant - I read it all to ensure I knew about gas and air etc etc and could help all the way through both births which I was at.
How much is too much ? i don't see any other option but to leave.
Yes, I do feel hurt but I don't want anyone else to be hurt thats the hostage that has caused me to remain for 20+ years. I am still however a person and have my pride and as I respect others, is it wrong to expect some respect in return?

OP posts:

OutyMcOutface · 06/02/2018 21:33

Yeah, so the books aren't always accurate. I got pregnant on the last day of my cycle once. They are more of an educated guess at fertile windows. So you don't actually have any proof.

OutyMcOutface · 06/02/2018 21:36

Why don't you just get DNA ancestry kits for all of you as a gift and get the test in a round about Way if you really think that it is that important. You may be surprised by the results.

sourpatchkid · 06/02/2018 21:36

Your books are no proof at all, women's cycles are very different.

If you want to leave then leave.

And what on earth does your "careful I may become a misogynist" mean

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/02/2018 21:37

Your son has the right to trust that his father of the last 20 years respects that relationship.
You can be angry but after this number of years of being a father you really should put your son first. It doesn't however sound as if you can repair your marriage so leave your wife.

Pipsqueak11 · 06/02/2018 21:37

your son will be the one who is caused pain by your actions whereas your anger is clearly directed at your wife . Goodness knows how or why you have maintained this for so many years when it seems clear you have never challenged your wife and tried to rebuild your relationship . you might think you are a decent chap but i think you have copped out- sorry!

YerAuntFanny · 06/02/2018 21:40

What she (possibly) did was wrong.

Have you actually came out and asked her about DS and whether she would consent to a DNA test?

Your DS has a right to know either way.

You sound very unhappy and by staying the resentment has brewed and grown, you need to leave before it turns nasty and DS gets caught up in the midst. Finding out like that would shatter anyone and you will end up being the bad guy in all of this.

decentchap · 06/02/2018 21:44

Some responses are barely credible. I do know. Is there anyone out there who could doubt the due date to 3 months ? I would like to know there are people who see my viewpoint.
Of course I wont hurt the man who is called my son - thats just gratuitous and I am surprised, even with these few posts that anyone could think that of me.
I have been loyal and faithful - many wome complain that men arent - I was and where has it got me ? I should have taken to offers.

OP posts:

YerAuntFanny · 06/02/2018 21:49

If you're certain and you're really very unhappy with your wife then leave, tell her why and go.

Maintain a relationship with your children (biology means bugger all in this context) and get on with living your life, let go of the resentment. It's no good for anyone.

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/02/2018 21:53

Could I ask you why after living with this uncertainty for 20 years you are wanting to do something about it now?
Think it through .you would really benefit from some relationship counselling to get your thoughts and motivations straight.

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sallyarmy1 · 06/02/2018 21:58

I agree with you, decentman.

You need to leave your so called wife and get on with your own life.

Does your 'wife' know how you are feeling? If she does, does she actually care?

sallyarmy1 · 06/02/2018 22:05

I agree with you, decentman.

You need to leave your so called wife and get on with your own life.

Does your 'wife' know how you are feeling? If she does, does she actually care?

sallyarmy1 · 06/02/2018 22:06

Sorry for the double post :(

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