This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Please help. I'm so upset ...(10 Posts)
My 21 year old daughter has always been hard work, and although she lives with her bf and not with me, she is still an absolute nightmare. No job, sleeps all day and is awake all night, reads texts messages wrongly (always takes them the wrong way) and blames me for her life being shit. She's very selfish and rarely thinks about supporting anyone in the family, let alone thanking for a present etc.
Meanwhile her father left us all last year for a young floozie who he immediately got pregnant and they now have a baby and live abroad. YET.... weak daddy never gets it in the neck and she seems to treat him as an 11 year old pen pal.
I've tried to move on with my life and put my heart and soul into my work, charity work and my ASD son. I have no help and yet have learnt to just get on with things and smile. Even that is wrong is her eyes.
Last night she wrote the most vile things to me and even went on about the 2 smacks I gave her on the bottom as a child!! Seriously?!?!?!?
I wonder if she has bipolar or is this just the norm with a young adult?? I ring her everyday, text her, send her loving messages, yet she makes zero effort with me. Some days she'll answer the phone (if she's up at 4pm !) and be chatty...other days she ignores me.
Why me???? I'm so depressed.
decrease the contact. she is an adult now. she wont change.
No this isn’t the norm, her life sounds quite empty and it seems that you’re her punchbag.
If you can’t talk to her about this then you need to decrease contact and tell her exactly why when she asks. It is not ok to treat you this way.
Decrease contact. My daughter is 23 away at university and lovely but i don't feel the need to message her constantly nor have her message me.
In some ways it appears as though you are rewarding her for her bad treatment of you. When she is nasty don't contact her, if she asks you why tell her she's rude and you don't deserve to be talked to like that and believe it too.
Some people will always be selfish no matter what you do for them, just because she's your daughter doesn't mean that you have to put up with her treating you like that.
I ring her everyday, text her, send her loving messages, yet she makes zero effort with me. Some days she'll answer the phone (if she's up at 4pm !) and be chatty...other days she ignores me.
So this sounds a bit much, a bit needy/smothering at a time when she sounds low already.
You also sound very judgemental about her choices (and I am a mother too and in your situation I would worry, as it doesn't sound great).
I don't think it's unreasonable to hope for some support and kindness from an adult child but I would go lighter touch with the contact, tbh.
You are not alone, nor are you wrong. You are just expecting what you would do to be normal for your daughter.
For her however it is easier to blame than take responsibility for herrself.
So stop blaming yourself and begin to think what you want to do.
You must considerately agree with yourself to leave her behind and stop worrying about her - she obviously doesnt worry about you.
Trying to retain a form of relationship which died years ago is not good for you or therfore sensible. You are rational - think this through as though you are an outsider.
This is not the norm and you should not be treated like this. I think, as others have said, you need to increase the distance between you
I know it is not easy. My DD has grown away in stages, first moving out but being in very close touch, then getting a job and slightly less contact, then getting a pet and a bit less contact again. It is hard as a mother to let go but unhealthy to cling on as they have to become independent young women and, when they do that, they appreciate you more
I resented the expected weekly phone call, when I was away at uni. Back off. She doesn't sound nice or kind, but actually she needs to break away from you in order to mature as an adult. That is part of teen behaviour, push me pull me, to give them impetus and courage to become independent.
have you considered she like your son could also have ASD firls present very differently to boys just a thought
Why are you contacting her daily? What were the other vile things she said?
It does sound like you are very demanding and, frankly, quite judgemental. And it doesn't sound like you like her very much. Perhaps she's responding to that?