Lazy DS

[Howlongtilldinner]

Have posted before

How do you manage to live with a lazy adult child, who is only prepared to do the bare minimum (with everything including job hunting) and not be resentful? How do you have a harmonious relationship, with someone who refuses to ‘see sense’ and, makes mistake after mistake that impacts on you, a lone parent with no support from anyone?

I’m struggling, really really struggling to have any sort of ‘relationship’ with 20 yo DS.

I am hugely resentful and very irritated by his behaviour/attitude. I am hugely resentful that at 20 years old I’m still supporting him, when he does practically nothing for me/indoors.

Please tell me how you live side by side with civility (on both sides I imagine).

[Shouldileavethedogs]

Why are you supporting him. Once mine reached 18 they were told that I will no longer off them any money for anything. Clothes, hair etc. Disconnect the wifi or change the password. Don't pay for his phone or pizza etc. If you get a takeaway don't buy him one. Don't offer lifts etc. Worked for all 3 of mine. One is now in uni one in the army and the other has a full time sales job. It's tough love he needs.

[Howlongtilldinner]

I’m worn down by home to be honest. He’s been to uni, didn’t last a year, bullied him to get a job, excuse after excuse. Then gets a dead end job which lasted less than 6 months. Doesn’t listen to a word I say. Had a massive row earlier, both said some horrible things. He went out and hasn’t comeback and I’m worried.

[Heratnumber7]

What exactly are you worried about? He's 20.
Where does he get money to live off? Who pays for his phone, clothes, beer, transport?

If it's you, then you are a mug. I would never see a child of mine homeless, but I wouldn't subsidise their life in any other way.

[Howlongtilldinner]

Worried he’ll not come back.

His dad pays his phone. He’s just had a birthday, so used the last of his money. I don’t give him a penny now. I said I’d pay his cost of travel to interviews, but I’ve told him to sign on but he can’t be bothered so I’m not going to pay that now.

I just want to know how you can possibly have a civil relationship with a freeloader. I’ve done so much for him, I’m all done now and so so resentful.

[Sharonthetotallyinsane]

I’m not sure I could have a positive relationship with him. Not unles there was a clear reason for the behaviour such as illness. He needs to be humble and apologise.
Can you get his dad to help you?

[GinisLife]

Send him to his Dads to live ?

[Howlongtilldinner]

His dad is worse than useless. I have asked him many times in the past to intervene without success, he takes no responsibility for welfare/upbringing, will just bung him a few quid.

I just want to know that I’m not alone with these feelings? That I can’t be positive with someone who has no positives, or rather doesn’t take the positive advice/opportunities offered to them.

[Howlongtilldinner]

Thank you all for your replies, they are very very much appreciated.

[Heratnumber7]

Well where would he go if he doesn't come back? He's got no money.
He might find a sofa to crash on tonight, but he'll be back to freeload off you sooner or later.

[Shen0102]

time for you to show some tough love.

stop making him dinner
only keep rations in the house, and buy the same old shit (absolutely no variety)
next time he asks for cash. just tell him upfront you're skint (even if you're not) he can walk an hour to his next interview if he has to (it won't kill him)

If you want treats for yourself either lock them up or buy and eat them on the spot.

be brave because it's hard to see your kids suffer but it's for his own good.

[Shouldileavethedogs]

Oh bless you OP. I know the shit you're experiencing. Remember though he is 20. Go to bed and lock the door. A lot of us single parents have had similar to deal with. Time to put those big girl want on and do what others have advised. No cooking. Take the fuse out when you go to work so no electricity. Freezer will be ok but get down to basics and basics he hates. Things will turn.

[Shouldileavethedogs]

Pants not want

[Howlongtilldinner]

He is back, went for an interview at a local pub, he got a job. However, it’ll be peanuts, and his work ethic leaves a lot to be desired, but it’ll pay for ‘stuff’.

I shall be buying ‘no frills’ food and no ‘treats, but try and maintain civility for my own mental wellbeing.

I was very very low (bawling my eyes out) when I write this post earlier, so I truly appreciate all your replies, they have helped me enormously

[MumsBet]

aw OP! I know its so hard. Perhaps this will be the turning point for him. Its got to be better than him leaving and not coming back AND no job.

[Shouldileavethedogs]

That's great. Let's hope he starts to realise. A part of him must be remorseful as he stropped off but get a job. It doesn't matter it's peanuts it's a start. Keep your treats locked away. Chin up OP. We are all routing for you

[Howlongtilldinner]

Thank you, you are so kind

[SolemnlyFarts]

If it helps, it's so much better for him that you get tough now - imagine if it dragged on for years. You don't want to have a forty-year old freeloader living with you - he's still young enough to change and have a great life.

[Heratnumber7]

Good on him.

Now make sure he pays some keep. Even if it's a fiver a week. He needs to realise rent, electric etc don't come free.

[smilingelizabeth]

I can totally see why you're frustrated although perhaps the pub job is a positive step?
One of my kids ds12
can be very lazy and disorganised and doesn't really do much for himself...However, he has ADHD ASD and dyslexia and it just made me wonder if your son has ever had any attention difficulties ? How did he get on at school? He may just be lazy but some kids do slip through the net and don't get diagnosed until they are adults. I may be completely barking up the wrong tree here but people with additional needs such as ADHD often lack motivation and self esteem and struggle to stick to things.
Good luck to you both.

[Howlongtilldinner]

smiling he definitely doesn’t have ADHD, he is so laid back he’s practically horizontal.

However, I do think he lacks confidence, and has very little motivation, this has not changed since being a child.

I have done everything over the years, to engage him in activities etc, to no avail, he’s. ever been passionate about anything.

I hoped he would find someone he considers a role model (his father is a complete waster) but that hasn’t happened either.

I love him so very very much, but he frustrates the life out of me. I want him to have a great life and I just see him wasting it.

[counterpoint]

It's really tough for people of his age these days. Be kind to him, please.

[smilingelizabeth]

Howlongtildinner if he is quite calm and relaxed he may be ADD more than ADHD. It's ADHD without the hyperactivity and can present as daydreamy behaviour. Might be worth googling anyhow.
Sounds like you're a great Mum to him and have done as much as you can.

[Landed]

counterpoint I agree BUT howlongtildinner needs to be kind to herself too and it's hard but surely harder if he doesn't push himself. No help OP sadly I can only see this being me before long.

[Howlongtilldinner]

smiling I’m laying in bed having difficulty sleeping thinking about him. I’ve googled ADD and he appears to have every symptom of inattentive ADD, it was like reading about my son

Thank you for highlighting this, I shall follow this up

[smilingelizabeth]

Howlongtildinner that's interesting. Perhaps it might make you feel a bit better if you know there is a possible explanation for his behaviour rather than simply he's a lazy boy!
There may well be strategies you and he can try and books to read etc even if it takes a while to get a (possible) diagnosis.
Good luck with everything. 💐