Your child's in-laws

[FaveNumberIs2]

Hi all. Just wanted to ask how you get on with your child's in laws, or even if you see them at all.

My girlie has been seeing someone for four years. They are about to move into their first flat together, but she'll be paying as he doesn't have a job. He's tried, but there are a lot of background issues, one of them being his unsupportive parents.

I've only ever seen them once (and not to talk to) and after things that have happened in the past, I'm not sure I want to know them. (Alcohol involved, I'm not tea total so please don't take that the wrong way, in this instance I'm talking about his mother getting pissed on Christmas Eve and totally going crazy to the point the Dad walked out and we ended up "rescuing" girlie's boyfriend for a couple of days. Two christmases on the trot. Plus numerous arrests, midnight arguments, asking girlie to leave their house at 3am etc etc)

But I can't help wondering what I'll have to do if girlie and her boyfriend get married or have kids. And it's really bothering me.

How do you all get along?

[Cloudyapples]

I’d be more worried about them moving in together and her paying for everything - where is his incentive to find work now?

[FaveNumberIs2]

@Cloudyapples

Girlie's thinking is that if he's away from his patents, he will have more oomph and support to finish his current course and find work. (He's 20).

Apparently, he's currently listed on a course, but also receiving dole money, but his father takes all his dole money (and opens his post) and doesn't give him anything back for transport costs.

Girlie can afford the flat on her own if she had to, and she's happy to do that.

[ADarkandStormyKnight]

I think you need to support your daughter to make the right decision for herself. So if she is happy and her relationship with him seems good, and he sorts out his job etc, then you might need to be there for them both if the in-laws are a worry. However, if you think she's doing this for the wrong reasons and is being guilted into supporting him because his parents are failing to do so, you may need to be ready to help her think this through. They are still quite young. But ultimately she's an adult and needs to make her own decisions.

In terms of contact with the in-laws, be guided by your daughter and if she wants you to meet them be supportive and try to make it work for the sake of your daughter. e.g if drinking is an issue, arrange to meet over coffee/ lunch rather than a night out.

Tricky though. I can see why you might feel concerned.

[BlackPeppercorn]

Can you stop referring your tour grown up adult daughter as girlie.

[FaveNumberIs2]

@ADarkandStormyKnight

You're right, I have to support her decision, I just hope she's making it for the right reasons. She's come through so much in her short life (we adopted her and her brother, she was spiralling out of control and turned herself around at 16 and a half)

She's giving him six month to turn around as if she can do it, anyone can. That being said, she's adamant that if he'd had parents like us, he would be different.

Thanks for your comments, sometimes I worry about nothing, I just don't want to put extra pressure on her relationship with him, in the future.

[FaveNumberIs2]

@BlackPeppercorn

Sorry, but no.

It's her nickname on all my social media because she really is not girlie at all.

[PersianCatLady]

Once they move in together the BF may no longer be entitled to JSA ("dole").

[FaveNumberIs2]

@PersianCatLady you are absolutely right. I don't know if he can make a claim for any other type of benefit but I know he won't get housing because the flat is in girlie's name, and the landlord doesn't accept Dss tenents.

She would like him to finish the college course but is under no illusion that he needs to be bringing something to the table. He did have 4000 savings (which was saved by his gparents for him, which his mother and father tried to convince him was theirs,) so she's made sure he paid the deposit and gave her something towards her first "essentials" shop.

His family have donated stuff, I've been putting stuff away for a year for her (bearing in mind he has an abundance of aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc whereas girlie just has us, mom and dad, and a grandfather who lives away.) but we do what we can do.

[PersianCatLady]

Fave
All you can really do is sit down with your DD and explain all of the issues that living together may have.

Even if it is really hard for you, try to be unemotional or overly negative and hope that she takes these things on board,

If she does go ahead with moving in with him, I would advise her being the sole tenant and him being on the tenancy as a permitted occupier.

That way if things go wrong down the line then he has no right yo stay in the property if she wants him to leave.

[PersianCatLady]

Forgot to add, if he is living in the flat then he needs to on the tenancy as either a co-tenant or as a permitted occupier.

Not informing the LL of a person living in the flat is a breach of most ASTs

[BewareOfDragons]

I think moving in with him is a bad idea under the circumstances. Inertia is a real thing, and if it ends up a mess, it's still hard to walk away because, well, 'you live together'.

Plus, it sounds like she's trying to 'rescue' him, and that's never a good idea. He needs to rescue himself from his crappy home situation. Even a bedsit would be a better option for him. Expecting your DD to take him in and pay his way isn't the best plan.

I wish you luck watching this go down. I suspect it will be painful to watch.

[FaveNumberIs2]

@PersianCatLady yes, he's listed on the tenancy and being the second tenant, as the landlord's agent asked if anyone else would be living there, and I told her not to lie as that would be bad for her in the long run.

And yes, as soon as she knew she was picking the keys up, he went to sign on and informed them of his change of address, to which they said his payments would stop. (Personally, I think he should be entitled to something in his own right, even if it's reduced because girlie has a full time job, but that's something he will have to look into).

[FaveNumberIs2]

@BewareOfDragons

I can't help feeling the same, like she's rescuing him. We adopted our kids (half brother/sister) when they were 22month and 6, (drugs related) and over the past 13 years, we've crashed through some major walls, girlie in particular was dragged into court at 14 because she went to the police as she found out her best friend (13) was being groomed by the man down the road. He ended up in prison but denied it all the way into the courtroom while we (as witnesses, having gone through the court prep) were sat with the barristers waiting to give evidence.

Add that to failing grades, (apart from art and cooking) shit attitude, and general nastiness, when she hit 17 she suddenly turned a corner, got an apprenticeship, which led to a proper job as a chef, and turned into a really nice person who constantly tells me that she would never be where she is today is it wasn't for me and her dad sticking by her side. But she thinks that because she's been through it, she can help others.

All that being said, she has been with her boyfriend for 4 years now, unlike when I met her dad, slept with him after three weeks, moved in after three months and got married two years later. . (Luckily, we are still together 21 years down the line)

I really hope it doesn't crash around them, but I can't hold her back 'just in case'.

She's an "old" 19, and it was her time to step out on her own. (She moved around a lot before going into care at 4yo, then came to us at 6, then we moved House when she was 9, so she felt overdue for her next move).

[PersianCatLady]

Fave
I hope everything works out for your DD but if it doesn't at least you will be there for her.

You may not realise it now but your DD is very lucky to have a caring mother like you.

[FaveNumberIs2]

@PersianCatLady

Thank you for your kind words

They have been in the flat a week tomorrow and so far, so good. (She goes back to work tomorrow too). She picked up a cheap two seater dining table (a nearby cafe closed down and was selling everything off) and then sent me pics of their first proper home cooked meal, she'd done sausage pasta bake with salad and wine!!!

I've taken them shopping (neither of them drive yet) a couple of times and they seem to be watching their pennies, so we'll see how it goes.

We met boyfriend's dad the other day when he came to pick up a sofa for them (it wouldn't fit in our car) and he seemed ok, but still not met his mum. But girlie did say that for the moment, she didn't want his mum in the flat because she was drunk again, and there was "no way she's coming in here and rearranging my furniture!"

It's strange shopping for three people now, instead of four!

I hope it works for them, I really do. Thanks for all your kind words, I'll let you know if there's ever a proper meeting of us and them!

[PersianCatLady]

You sound like a nice lady and a great mum.

I expect that deep down you wish your DD's partner was a bit more like her but you are supporting her decision any way, I think that is brilliant.