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Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Parents of adult children

Should in laws get over it.

25 replies

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 01:18

40 year old dh went to visit his parents about 10 days before Xmas. They were going away with his niece and nephews for a week abroad then staying at their house 200 miles away.

As dh leaves his dad starts to cry. He's crying because dh isn't going away with them (he has been a few times but doesn't enjoy it) and he won't see dh on Xmas day.

Is it reasonable to think that the tears are ott? Last year we went away with them and spent Xmas with them. We've had an awful year and also needed a break so we went away for Xmas too to get away from the hype. It was booked last minute, they had already made their decision and booked their holidays and arranged to go to bils.

I think his dad secretly wanted him to ditch his plans with me, jump on the plane and go to his brothers for Xmas without me

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ButteredScone · 31/12/2017 01:24

Let it go. You never know what is going on with people. So his dad was sad, that's ok. It doesn't sound like he was putting pressure on DH or being unreasonable.

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 01:26

It's just that it makes dh feel bad. He feels guilty that his dad is upset

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NoMudNoLotus · 31/12/2017 01:55

Agree with @ButteredScone .

I would probably try to walk in FILs shoes ... he was obviously distressed.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 31/12/2017 01:58

I doubt very much that he was trying to get your DH to ditch you and jump on a plane with them... That's seriously what you took from that?

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 02:04

I don't know what to make of it.

They have been exceptionally selfish over the last year

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user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 02:13

I think his dad is finding it difficult to accept his kids have grown up and have their own lives.

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Lollipop30 · 31/12/2017 02:18

“I think his dad is finding it difficult to accept his kids have grown up and have their own lives.”

Do other people’s parents cry at these things??! I’d be very 😏 if either mine or the in laws did this. It sounds very manipulative to me. His dad needs to get over it and your DH shouldn’t give it a second though.

Candyfloss1122 · 31/12/2017 02:20

I think perhaps there is more to this story re: relationship with the in laws, so it's hard to give an a decent opinion with such a small snippet of info.

Tiredstressed · 31/12/2017 02:21

If that is the reason for the tears, I would think that it is OTT. Difficult to know exactly why he was upset though.

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 02:39

There is huge back story.

To summarize. Our baby died a few months ago. Pil exceptionally selfish and put baby at serious harm while in picu. MIL blames me for babies illness (totally not my fault) and for her illnesses. She screams at dh when he tries to explain how he feels. She has been caught out lying about illnesses. She's said some downright evil things to me. Lied, got caught and blamed her other son. Has a total lack of empathy for anyone.

I'm nc dh is not and I wouldn't ask him to be. He only went to see the kids and give them presents from us.

I think fil is more reasonable and puts up with a lot from her

Sorry if it's a drip feed but back storey really is huge!

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user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 02:41

In laws will not speak about our son. Dh suggested bereavement support, but they point blank refused.

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CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/12/2017 02:48

It honestly sounds like FIL must have a horrible life if his wife is like that. Not surprising that he gets weepy. She sounds very domineering and manipulative and spiteful. Imagine having to spend all day every day placating her.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 31/12/2017 02:48

And for your poor baby.

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 02:52

I agree cauliflower.

He has his selfish moments but tbh I'm not surprised living with her.

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user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 02:55

Tbh they are very rarely in the same room and always want to be with other people either staying at relatives house's or having grandkids at every possible opportunity..
.. maybe it's a distraction

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Cheekyandfreaky · 31/12/2017 03:15

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think I remember you posting before. I can believe they could be manipulative crocodile tears in your case. But whatever, if your DH doesn’t rise to it, don’t make it a thing.

RestingGrinchFace · 31/12/2017 03:33

A man crying for any reason beyond someone dying/nearly dying or a child being born is OTT. I would be concerned that there is something else going on. Could you FIL be experiencing mental health issues? How about his general health-is it possible that he is concealing a serious condition from you?

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 03:40

I don't think he is physically ill. MIL would have made a huge deal if he was.

I think he's greiving and has no outlet

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FastWindow · 31/12/2017 03:43

I think the three massive issues here are

PIL put baby at serious harm?
MIL blames op for not only the child's illness, but hers?
How?

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 04:31

I think she said it out of anger and lack of control and probably trying to goad me. I didn't bite. I know it's not true and her health problems have been going on for years well before I was on the scene ( they are fairly minor).

The had their own agenda. We asked them not to visit as they had both been ill. They came when they knew I was out of way briefly as I walked in as mil took baby out of incubator. Total disrespect for us as parents and the decisions we made as he kept getting infections and was very ill.

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hevonbu · 31/12/2017 05:01

I'm so sorry you're having to face these problems from your in-laws on top of everything else. My dad used to do this weeping trick in the past in order to make me stay longer over Christmas than I wished. I wanted to go home in the evening, he wanted me to stay overnight in my old room and leave after breakfast the following day. Well, I called a taxi and left at 11p.m., but there was a price: he wouldn't speak to me for a long period afterwards and really never got over that the old "child at home"-routine was broken (I was 30 at the time). It's sort of blackmailing but on an unconscious level, very hard to handle, especially as it was claimed it worsened his illnesses and I was obviously causing it with my behaviour of not complying to his wishes. Then there was no underlying trauma or anything. I think it could be a control thing, or an inability to change their routine, ot accommodate other people's wishes, or a combination of all.

BattleCuntGalactica · 31/12/2017 05:07

@RestingGrinchFace "A man crying for any reason beyond someone dying/nearly dying or a child being born is OTT."

Umm no.

Men can cry for many reasons, the fact that people think they shouldn't except in profoundly distressing situations, is the reason why they have to put up a facade when they are genuinely upset. It's also why they can get violent if they are forced to hold in their emotions all the time.

It's not OTT for men to cry when they're upset.

It's

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Mxyzptlk · 31/12/2017 05:12

That's horrific behaviour from your PiLs.

FiL may have difficulties because of living with MiL but that's his problem, not DH's or yours.
The tears are definitely OTT and DH should try not to feel bad about that, or any other guilt trip stuff they do.

MadeForThis · 31/12/2017 05:55

Don't feel guilty in the slightest.

He is clearly selfish and is looking after his own interests instead of his sons.

His son lost a DC this year and wants to spend Christmas with his wife. Why would he attempt to make his son feel guilty about that. Who would want their son to leave his wife alone and come on holiday with them instead?

user1485778793 · 31/12/2017 15:02

Dh does feel bad and there's nothing I can do

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