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Giving up/Letting go at Christmas(4 Posts)
My husband is upset because his daughter (who's 28) is not planning to visit over the Christmas period. She last visited us for two hours in the late summer. I think she also visited us for lunch earlier in the year, around Easter.
She has two weeks Christmas holiday from her job. She lives in London. We live in a major city that can easily be reached from London.
My husband arranges to see her when he goes to London. They have an early evening supper together. They speak on the phone most weeks. He knows that she has a busy life.I think it is just that he would really like it if she - and her partner - came to stay sometimes
I think the issue is something to do with the man who used to be her boyfriend and who is now her husband. He doesn't seem to like us. So my husband's daughter spends holiday periods with his family instead.
Although I'm her stepmother not her mother, I've been in her life for a long time. I miss her too.
I don't think her mother sees much of her either, so it's not - as far as I can see - a situation where she feels close to her mother, and blames her father for the end of her parents' marriage. (They separated when she was 6 by mutual agreement and with no other people involved.)
So I think as we're in the run up to the Christmas period we're both feeling a little sad, and as if we have lost her.
I am glad if she is happy in her work and her marriage and enjoys being part of her husband's family. But I do wish we could see her and the feeling of being kept at arm's length is a bit strange and uncomfortable.
I honestly don't think we've done anything wrong and have always been friendly and welcoming towards her partner.
I think many parents of successful children are in this situation. It is a part of letting them go and be adults who make their own choices. A tough one, but at least you both still have a good relationship with her, albeit you only see her occasionally. I understand how you feel and sympathise.
Then you really have two options.
1) Sit back, leaving it up to her when she can/will come see you.
2) Start to fight for more time with her. Ask her what dates she will be available for you to go to her. Ask her if she would like a family weekend away somewhere together as couples.
Life is so busy nowadays that it is sometimes hard to make time for people.
Thanks to those who have responded.
Because my stepdaughter's job is at a school so she has relatively long holidays - although I absolutely know that termtime is exhausting and that the holiday period involves preparation for the coming term. Her partner's job is corporate and involves very long hours, less holidays and a lot of travel.
We had semi-assumed that my stepdaughter might wish to spend a small part of the time when she was on holiday but her husband was busy,coming back to the city where she grew up, visiting us, her mother and her old friends. However this doesn't happen.
There are some fears that her husband is controlling and disapproves of her family and friends, only approving of her seeing his family and the friends they have as a couple.
But we are thinking about how to deal with this one... (Not easy if our fears are correctly based, of course.)
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