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Partners 21 year old son.

(18 Posts)
404yme Sun 13-Aug-17 13:44:55

I have been with my partner 2 years and for 95% of the time we have a brilliant relationship in every way possible, and for that I am truly greatful. She has two kids she has brought up on her own, a 14 year old daughter and a 21 year old son. The daughter is no trouble at all, but the son is another story. He is an apprentice and to be fair to him pays rent (albeit grudgingly) to his mum. He is fine to me and has been accepting of me for which I am also grateful. The problem is that I struggle so hard with the way he speaks to, and treats his mum. He is totaly lazy and refuses to do anything at all around the house (and I mean anything), but expects and demands everything done for him in exactly the way he likes it and if not his mum gets shouted and yelled at. My partner works 6 days a week to keep afloat, and often comes in from a long shift to nothing being done at home and at times a yelling at for the evening meal for instance not being to his liking. He will sit at the meal table on his phone and then clear off back to his room again to the playstation. He can be manipulative towards other members of the family too if things do not go his way. For sure they both love each other and are close and have been through a lot together, but seeing the woman i love treated this way makes my blood boil. For sure he is a nice lad deep down, but at 21 with no signs of ever changing this is a worry. It had resulted in a major argument today as he overheard us arguing about the way he yelled at DP this morning. He played the emotional card on his mum and told us both to F-off. I now feel so low and also a rat for upsetting DP in this way as all she does is her best for her family, and I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. AIBU?

BackforGood Sun 13-Aug-17 14:40:16

YANBU for this to upset you. As to whether you should make your feelings know to him or not is more debatable.

It really is something his Mum should tackle. I have 21, 18, and 15 yr olds and they all know that if they shouted at anyone for the evening meal not being to their liking, then they wouldn't be having any more evening meals prepared for them. That said, they all take a turn to cook so understand how hurtful it is when people don't appreciate your efforts.

Floralnomad Sun 13-Aug-17 14:42:29

Do you live together ?

404yme Sun 13-Aug-17 14:56:24

We both have our own homes but I am there most of the time. His Mum has said I should speak to him myself about it as she does not want to be piggy in the middle. Maybe i should have gone down this route instead, however he has now overheard everything. DP is upset too as well. I am now back at my place to allow things to diffuse.

lifeinthecountry Sun 13-Aug-17 15:27:44

You sound really down on him. Even if you're right (and as you and DP are yelling at each other, that suggests she doesn't entirely agree with your interpretation), the problem is that if she feels she is constantly having to defend him to you, or act as some kind of buffer between you, she'll find it much more difficult to find a balance in her relationship with him and address any issues. She's more likely to let things slide that she wouldn't in other circumstances.

This is her relationship with her son - you need to stay out of it. You're getting dangerously close to asking her to choose between you and if it comes to that, you'll lose

Poor woman seems to be getting grief from all sides.

Floralnomad Sun 13-Aug-17 15:29:59

I don't think it's your place to talk to him , sorry . Either your partner wants things to change , in which case she needs to deal with him or she doesn't .

KarmaNoMore Sun 13-Aug-17 15:33:45

Agree that you need to stay out of this. she brought him up like that and, if she has not dealt with this behaviour herself, neither you or she can expect that if you talk to him about it he will respond nicely to it.

The only thing that I can suggest if you really want to help her after her long hours six days a week is to help her yourself, there are always little shores to do in the house. Even not being "there most of the time" helps a LOT as she then has more time to rest, sort what needs sorting, including dealing with her children's behaviour.

KarmaNoMore Sun 13-Aug-17 15:34:10

Chores

404yme Sun 13-Aug-17 15:39:15

Just to be clear....I never want to put my DP in a position where she has to choose. That would make me the lowest of the low. I know I have probably screwed up here. Seemingly she is going to speak with him tonight to try and resolve and maybe help him understand the impact his attitude can have on those around him.

404yme Sun 13-Aug-17 15:41:04

I do a large amount of house chores including DIY, cooking, ironing etc (I honestly don't mind it at all!) in the hope it may set a bit of an example to him, and to also lessen the load on his mum.

mozza99 Sun 13-Aug-17 18:46:34

It sounds like son is trying to be top dog in the household. My dp is a step-dad and when eldest son reached 14/15 he started trying to throw his weight around with the old you can't tell me what to do you're not my dad thing. Maybe you could try asking for his help in a small project to surprise his mum or ask his advice on a subject he is knowledgeable about to show that you recognise he is an adult?

404yme Sun 13-Aug-17 19:06:31

That is a good idea. I will give it a try.
He is quite materialistic and according to his mum, he is jealous of both his younger sister and his mum if he feels he is not getting everything that they get. Fact is though, he is an adult and at 21 should surely be starting to support himself a bit more?

mozza99 Sun 13-Aug-17 19:51:17

At the end of the day it is his mum who has to get him to behave better towards her so you do need to listen to her and not be seen to interfere. But what do I know my kids almost not speaking to me, communicating via text with requests for food.

KarmaNoMore Sun 13-Aug-17 21:11:37

You will be surprised at the amount of 21 year olds behaving more like kids than adults. Dealing with many of them (and their parents) through work the only thing I can say that the worse ones are those where mummy or daddy are always picking up the tab for their kids irresponsibilities. Unfortunately, nobody can expect a person to start pulling their weight as an adult when they are enjoying so much comforts provided by the parents, and removing those comforts suddenly won't solve the issues quickly, just add more resentment.

I think the idea of asking his opinion or do a project together is a very good one. I would suggest another house rule (implemented at my home since DS became a cheeky teenager who only came out of his room briefly to be fed): if he doesn't help out and interact with me while I am cooking, I only cook for myself.

SomeOtherFuckers Sun 13-Aug-17 23:47:47

Not your son , not your business.
I would seriously begrudge my SF for having a go at me .. thinking he had any right over me or any lordship in my house.
My mother however would be very welcome to raise any issues with me.

SomeOtherFuckers Mon 14-Aug-17 00:03:23

Also I do agree that 21year olds these days are less independent than when the previous generation we're 21 ... but it's not like they're able to afford to buy or even rent a flat. If he's on apprentice wages isn't that like £2.60 an hour? Practically slave labour

kittybiscuits Mon 14-Aug-17 00:10:35

I don't think you sound down on him. It sounds like a really difficult situation. Your DP is being very passive. She is really wrong to tell you to speak to her DS about it. The big question is why SHE doesn't have a problem with how he treats her, or if she does, why she isn't challenging it. It seems obvious with the benefit of hindsight, but you and your DP need to have a proper conversation about this in private. Good luck!

404yme Tue 15-Aug-17 15:22:02

I don't think Dp is wrong, as she is just wanting to keep the peace. Fact is, the way he speaks and swears at her is unacceptable at any level towards another human, let alone the one person who is there for him when the going gets tough out in the world.

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