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Adult dc at uni. ... I thought we wd get more space ..

(8 Posts)
ginorwine Wed 09-Aug-17 14:01:19

Ds at uni
I saw survry upstream about what parent looking forward to when child at uni .. some said space .. well it's not my experience ... home for 4 months other sumner ... for one ... Easter .. Christmas ... weekends ... much as I love ds come home for a while .... 4 months is not left home it's a great big chunk of the year .
I am just ready for some time out . I'm v introvert and a houseful over summer is just like they were small to me but with bigger appetites and always awake late ...!

ginorwine Wed 09-Aug-17 14:04:04

Love em dearly but run out parenting steam for a bit ! Dh is 60 soon and we are ready for us time a bit more . ...feel bad say it but just hope others share experience ..!

themauvehen Wed 09-Aug-17 14:17:27

I agree. I have 1 ds and 1 dsd who have both "gone" to uni.

The reality is dsd is hone for over 6 months of the year. Has no interest in making a life for herself at uni and just wants to be home all the time.

Ds has longer terms, so is home less but still a significant amount of the year.

I feel I've been lied to about getting a break once they go to uni. It's not been my experience at all!

ginorwine Wed 09-Aug-17 15:15:57

The - yes that's what I mean !
It's like the survey on this subject implied they wd have left snd got own lives - my ds is already taking about living with us when he leaves uni by which tibe my dh will be inhis 60 s . It's like you think they have left then they haven't and it's adjusting to the back and forth instead of left !!!

Movablefeast Wed 09-Aug-17 15:28:58

Have you had discussions with your dc about how you see your future and your retirement etc? If you don't speak up and explain that you weren't planning on having adult children indefinitely in the house they could make plans that are not going to work for any of you. Be honest and explain you are expecting them to forge their own lives once they graduate. If they are home for 4 months in the summer they should be working and contributing something (cash) to the household budget as well as sharing cooking, cleaning etc.

ginorwine Wed 09-Aug-17 15:38:01

Dd about to go
Ds is working but we have not asked for money as he is clearing his overdraft
Plus I do feel happy for them to have freedom before graduate and wd encourage travel as I did as a student before hitting the world of work .
Lots of young people seem to think it is normal to rerun home after uni .
Dh and I want to move area and ds doesn't like the area and he has asked if he can live with his sister after uni if we do move so he looks as if he is assuming that he wd come back .
Yes, I guess you are right we need to let them know that we want a different phase ( i kno if they come home I will jyst slip into' mother and pamper them and it's time for dh and I )
But how do you tell them this ??? They assume they can come back and have a right to - as I said lots do after uni - they see that . I don't know how to say it without feeling I'm being harsh / unmotherly !

BackforGood Wed 09-Aug-17 15:46:57

I do in in much more of a "Well what are your plans?" way.
I actually don't feel crowded by ds being home - he is out the house for most of the time anyway (either working or seeing friends) and when he is home he tends to spend time in his room.
However, he is aware that now he has graduated he has to act as an adult - that will include paying his way if he decided to live here, once the new academic year starts. He also contributes around the house (cooking, for example, and making himself useful ferrying younger sister around, and generally doing other jobs I might ask him to do).

Movablefeast Wed 09-Aug-17 15:48:07

No need to be harsh but you do need to treat them as independent adults who can handle a discussion about the future. You need to all be honest and realistic. I don't think it's fair on them either to let them assume they can move back and stay as long as they want if that is not what you and DH were expecting. You can discuss it and come to a compromise.

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