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Asking to 23 year old to leave

(29 Posts)
Sprite4 Thu 27-Jul-17 17:15:50

I need to tell my 23 ds to leave but I want to do it properly to ensure he knows I'm being serious and no messing this time, I have threatened it when he was 18/19 but not since and he always comes back because he has nowhere to go. But this time he really needs to go. Just wondered if anyone knew the proper way of doing this, to ensure its final and no going back sort of thing.

AJPTaylor Mon 02-Apr-18 19:38:15

if you are going to give him 11 months seriously start charging him rent.really and honestly you will be doing him a favour. 11 months is long enough for him to realise he could probably do with earning more and put a plan in place.

AJPTaylor Mon 02-Apr-18 19:32:48

my children will always have a home with me too. if they need it. a 23 year old with a job paying no rent and taking the piss doesnt need it. they need a kick up the backside!
dds 23 and 20 have left home..they paid rent to me . i saved this and then paid deposit and first month rent for them out of it.

kjohns57 Mon 02-Apr-18 19:15:36

I don't know if anyone is still watching this thread. My youngest is 24, the last to go. My three sons came with me over 5 years ago, ex wife wanted her own place, not the boys. I have been lucky to be able to continue parenting them, most men will assume the children go with their mother. I'll be 61 soon though and I'd like to have a life of my own. He doesnt do very much around the house, I still clean up after him. The thought of asking him to leave seems impossible, like others here, I can't imagine ever not giving any of my children a home if they need one. My other children seem to think I am facilitating him being lazy (he is) and contunuing to work in a very low paid job (I charge him nothing). I have found the advice here valuable - thank you all. I have decided I will tell him he can stay 11 months until he is 25 and that if he wants to get a place of his own I will pay the deposit and a couple of months rent. I know I need to change things but I feel very guilty about it all the same.

lljkk Sun 07-Jan-18 10:21:02

It's gonna be painful no matter what you do. Proceed with that knowledge, pain is not a reason to let him stay.

Iamdragonhearmeroar Sun 07-Jan-18 10:17:01

I had the same with my son (24),in my opinion he was rude and lazy, was happy with part time hours, and wouldn't lift a hand in the house to help (his father and I both work). We were constantly arguing and then he met a girl. The change was almost instant, he became softer, he helped when asked, found a full time job and started to behave like an adult. He moved out at the end of November to a flat with the girlfriend and I never thought I'd say it this..... I miss him!! There is light at the end of the tunnel,however I know when you feel put upon and unappreciated its not always easy to see.

redpassport Sun 07-Jan-18 10:05:15

I have a similar situation. My son is 25 and hardly a child anymore. He had jobs for 7 years or so working in bars. Hes educated but was adamant that this was the work for him. Last year he went to work abroad and things didnt work out. He moved back to the UK and lived with his dad for a couple of months. His dad asked him to leave and he came back to live with me. All seemed ok for a month, he got a job paying a good wage and then got sacked. He was paying a small amount of rent but this dried up when he lost his job. Hes done nothing to find work, sits in his room on his pc, does nothing in the house. He wont so much as put a cup in the dishwasher...and I mean literally nothing. He's arrogant, rude....if I was married to him I would have divorced him! I feel like I have a black cloud over me. I feel totally taken the P out of and I dont know what to do. He's jobless, no money and I cant afford to bail him out. I cant cope with confrontation and dont know what to do. I want him to leave.....I feel more and more resentful every day......

Cat0000 Mon 04-Dec-17 18:44:10

I’m in a similar situation, 20 yr old daughter only works part time (12 hours a week) and lies in bed on a laptop all day and refuses to look for a more reliable job with better hours/pay.
It’s so hard - when we challenge her she’s mean and says we are as parents and she is making her sister (11) upset shorting.
Parenting an adult is so difficult!

Fulltimeparent Sat 25-Nov-17 22:43:09

OMG I'm in the same boat op I really feel for you my eldest is 19 he has to go bad influence on the other kids, had the police knocking earlier because he was arguing banging doors shouting. I got the shock of my life the said some one walking by phoned that there was a disturbance. Hubby wasn't home was doing the night shift. Was bawling my eyes out before they came because me and H we're discussing it before he went to work. Bet I looked a right state stupid pregnancy hormones.

MadhousMom59 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:23:55

Hi Hun.and I don't know what you're going through. but to me he is young.But if things. Ie, drugs. Drink. Then u just say .? I want you out.. I've said it many times. But good luck. if he is making ur life misery, then tell him to go.

MadhousMom59 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:14:35

I agree with ? l.f.c.

MadhousMom59 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:12:47

Haha.its hard, can't ask my 35yr old to leave. a mothers love aye.

LaurieFairyCake Sun 29-Oct-17 13:10:21

It’s not ‘needed’ though hmm

Needed means actually needed, not just sponging off people because you can’t be arsed to grow up

crimsonlake Sun 29-Oct-17 12:56:43

Cant believe I am reading this? My children both in their 20s will always have a home with me if needed.

Haffdonga Sat 29-Jul-17 15:26:54

How you do it really depends why.

Plan A: If he needs to get out immediately because his behaviour is risky to himself or anyone else, then you could give him a deadline of 0 or 24 as appropriate and pack his bags. If you're feeling generous then book him his first 3 nights in a Travel Lodge. Then change the locks.

Plan B: If he's just entitled and spoilt but essentially harmless then it would be fair to give him enough notice to find a place, just as a landlord would when ending a tenancy. 6 weeks should be plenty. Explain calmly and firmly that it is time for him to go. Make it very very explicit that he will be leaving and that there is no negotiation, give a clear date and put it in writing so there is no misunderstanding (nothing vague like 'by the end of Summer' or 'if you don't start helping out' ) Then follow Plan A as above when if he 'forgets'.

isittimetogotobed Sat 29-Jul-17 15:10:29

There is nothing wrong with asking him to leave at this age, your not kicking him out on the street are you?
I would give him some notice, offer to help with looking for rooms etc and shopping for some new bits, look at budgeting and stuff but be firm that this is for the best
He is old enough to stand on his own now

Sprite4 Sat 29-Jul-17 15:01:47

Thanks for all your comments I will take them all on board and work something out smile

RippleEffects Sat 29-Jul-17 10:59:01

So basically you've found it hard to be firm (i'm a bit soft too) and created a dependant man child.

Do you really want rid or do you want him to grow up and contribute?

Write a list of all the things you do, all the things you pay for i.e. electricity, wifi, tv licence, sky, fuel, council tax, roof, food!

Work out what rent for a room is locally,

Tell DS that he needs to set up a standing order to you weekly/ monthly on payday for this amount from next pay day or the locks change.

Be prepared to bolt the front door and use the back one etc on that day. Fit a large bolt a few days in advance to make it clear you mean business. He may need a few days sofa surfing to realise he needs to take some responsibility and contribute. You need a cast iron will if you want to reverse the situation you're in.

If he starts to pay and you allow him back then work out how much deposit is etc. to set up on his own. If its £1000 and rent is £100/week then your DS needs to pay this amount for 10 weeks (or equivalent monthly amount). As the point approaches that he's paid enough to you to cover deposit and first months rent on a place decide if you want to pay that on a place for him and send him on his way or start introducing contributions for food, bills and chores to stay at home.

All looks so easy written down but the reality is no doubt tough and you need to be clear and calm in your instruction to him. Maybe even write it down for him.

Is he in debt or is he just living a month in arrears enabled by family/ friends/ overdraft?

Sprite4 Fri 28-Jul-17 23:23:03

He does have a job but he's spent the money before he gets paid, I know he's my son but he really has to grow up and he won't do this living at home, cruel to be kind sort of thing, atm he lives rent free because he says he doesn't have money for rent

RippleEffects Fri 28-Jul-17 21:46:26

Does he have a job/ any money?

If he does then could you chip in with deposit/ first month and send him on his way.

If no job/ money then its tough but you'd have to find some form of motivation to get him out and self supporting.

How much do you do for him at present?

horsefeathers Fri 28-Jul-17 21:44:46

This makes me want to cry, he's your son.

We're all somebody's child. Most of us find ourselves somewhere to go, as we should.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Fri 28-Jul-17 21:43:37

He's her son, but he's also 23 and therefore presumably perfectly capable of getting a job and a flatshare like most 20 - somethings.

It does no one any favours to allow teenage years to continue indefinitely.

ShoesHaveSouls Fri 28-Jul-17 21:37:37

"He has no where to go"

This makes me want to cry, he's your son.

LostAllTheWords Fri 28-Jul-17 20:56:02

How much notice were you planning on giving him? If you're not desperate to get him out straight away could you have a quick look online at suitable properties in the area. Then you can put in front of him how much money he'll need to have for deposit etc and give him a couple of months or whatever to make sure he's got it saved.

ChasingHighs Fri 28-Jul-17 20:55:27

Why do you want him go leave?

ForeverBubblegum Fri 28-Jul-17 20:52:36

If you can manage a little while longer asking him find somewhere by a certain date (maby a month or two) might be easier. That way it feels more planned so he knows it's not spure of the moment frustration, and you atualy mean it.

Ask if he needs any help, not necessarily financial (unless you're loded and prepared to cover deposit just to get rid) but things like going with him to view flats, helping plan a budget, what utilities to contact when he moves in etc.

You could help him start getting stuff together for the move. Any old towels, pots & pans, bedding or similar that your getting rid of but still has some life in it. Having a room full of boxes might make it seem more real and act as a reminder to start looking.

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