This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
My daughter treats her in-laws better(14 Posts)
My daughter is 19 and getting married, I am paying for everything for the wedding and she gets mad when I have told her to stay on budget but other than that, thats all I asked, and when she went over, I said it was okay but that she needs to pay for the floral as she wanted different more expensive flowers that weren't included. I spent around 10 thousand US dollars and thats alot for me. His family hasnt done 1 thing, they are paying for the rehearsal dinner but are doing it at their house. Yesterday I paid the remaining owed. Anyways, today I see on Facebook she and her Fiance had his parents over at their apartment and made them lunch. My daughter has never invited me over and it severely hurt me as while I don't expect anything in return it would be nice to be shown some appreciation especially because they asked me to pay for the wedding and I happily said yes. It was more or less expected from me. So when I see his mother post a picture thanking them for the wonderful lunch that they went out of their way doing it crushed me. I just paid the remaining balance yesterday. They haven't done anything nor split any bill. Im not expecting a thank you lunch but it would of been nice to be included. Besides paying for the wedding I bought her an expensive dress that she went over budget as well and then had to pay an extra 425 to get it fitted and to be nice I bought her and her bridesmaid things. Plus I bought the flower girl dresses and ring bearer suit this week. They never spend time with me, their always with his parents. Am I overacting that im hurt they did this nice lunch for them and didn't include me?
Well I'd say it's because at 19, she's very immature. You're expecting adult behaviour from someone who is barely technically an adult.
Why would you encourage anyone of that age to get married? Would you not be better encouraging her to wait till she's mature enough for that kind of commitment?
I'd tell her how you feel but calmly. Just tell her your feelings were hurt that she invited her future in-laws for lunch but didn't invite you. Don't bring up the money as that may look like you're going to withhold, but just ask if you can be included next time.
Why would anyone get married at 19? Why would u encourage that?
Putting aside the fact that I am very about your encouraging your 19 year old daughter into getting married, why on earth have you put so much money in? It was her choice to get married. You cannot buy her affections, as you now know I suppose, and I feel like that's what you were trying to do I think maybe you should try to make arrangements to see her and possibly calmly mention that you feel sad that she seems not to want to socialise with you but you can't force it.
Maybe its the norm where the op is to get married at that age?? Op, perhaps your daughter doesnt feel the need to publically say thanks and make all the appreciative sounds with you. She may be thinking that she still needs to be on her best behaviour with her inlaws to be. Hopefully she will come to realise what you have done
My guess is she is trying to impress the Inlaws so they like her, she doesn't need to try with you.
Tricky conversation without it seeming the money has come with conditions. You probably need to push the "i miss you" aspect rather than "your not splitting your time fairly".
I also agree that she is trying to impress them. She's barely an adult it probably hasn't even crossed her mind to invite you. You are her mother you will always love and adore her. Why not talk to her and explain how you feel? She probably has no idea.
Did you have a good relationship with her as she was growing up? If you did then I'm sure she will want to spend time with you.
Just a thought that strikes me but do you ever host dinner for then? Maybe the in laws do and this was reciprocal from your daughter and future son in law. There's always two sides to every story. Xx
Yes, what's your relationship like?
19 is very young.
I wouldn't have given her any money at all for a wedding. She is much too young. Don't give her yet more. If she overspends, she needs to pay the bills!
Saoirse I agree with you re getting married at 19
She is not yet mature enough to see her parents as human beings with feelings and not just her launchpad into life.
So she's not mature enough to get married either
She's taking you for granted OP, you need to talk to her