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Relationship with 24 year old DD

8 replies

jeanne16 · 01/05/2017 17:30

I am feeling sad about my relationship with my DD. She is living in a shared house with friends, has a good job and an active social life. However she completely takes me for granted. She never phones me and often does not reply to texts from me, unless she needs something.

I always prided myself on what a great relationship we had when she was younger and how neither of my children would ever have to question my love for them. However the result is my DD knows she never has to make any effort with me.

I feel I will be one of these lonely old ladiesin a care home desperately waiting for a visit from my DD.

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BackforGood · 01/05/2017 22:33

I don't think it sounds that bad / that unusual.
It is an exciting time for a young person - living with friends, starting out on working life, money in pocket, no commitments, time to have a busy social life, etc. It's not really her priority to make sure you are alright every day of the week.
I was only thinking a couple of weeks ago, how great it is that my adult ds and dd have so many things they do / are involved in / friends to see and spend time with. Made me think I'd got it right as a parent tht they are so busy and have so many friendship groups.
Maybe you need to branch out a bit more now she no longer relies on you, and join a few more things / up your involvement in those things you never had time for when they were younger ?

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elastamum · 01/05/2017 23:39

I feel your pain. I have similar children. They take it for granted that I sort things out for them when required and most of the time never give me a second thought. I am about to start a big new job tomorrow which will be paying for their education and have not had a word of encouragement from anyone. I sometimes wonder where I went wrong.

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elastamum · 01/05/2017 23:39

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jeanne16 · 03/05/2017 09:18

elastamum. Good luck with the new job. I hope it goes well and that your children appreciate what you are doing.

I always wanted my DCs to focus on their school activities, including their school work, sport, clubs and friends. They both did extremely well at school so I felt I had done the right thing. However they are both so ungrateful and take everything we have done for granted.

The occasional thanks would be nice!

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magimedi · 03/05/2017 10:19

My DC was exactly the same at that age - not really fully grown up.

Now he is mid 30's, married & with children he (& my lovely DIL) are delightful, thoughtful & caring.

Give it time, OP.

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dottypotter · 12/05/2017 14:32

have you asked her why she dosent bother and make you feel wanted ? How would she feel if she was the mum and it was her daughter doing it.

You need to pull her up on bad manners and thoughtlessness.

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paganmolloy · 12/05/2017 14:46

"DD knows she never has to make an effort with me"

Perhaps you should not be so available. I remember always asking my Dad to fix my car. We grew up in a wee village where the local garage owner was a good pal of my Dads and he'd always fixed our cars. I genuinely didn't realise what a hassle it was until my Dad said once, don't you think you are big enough now to make your own arrangements to get your car fixed. It was a bit of a wake up call for me. After that I never took my parents for granted or bothered them to sort out my stuff.

However moving on a bit, my mum is now very elderly. Whilst she isn't a burden she does not make a social life for herself so I bear the brunt of this. I visit once a week and we go out for the day - this is all great. But then I find she phones me to tell me the most pointless things, usually when I'm very busy with something else. I feel guilty about not spending more time with her but I have young children and feel pulled in many different directions. I can't help feeling if she did more things herself she'd have a more interesting life. I don't mean anything radical but even to join the local library or try to meet new people to talk to. Your last sentence about being an old lady in a home waiting for a visit makes me think you need to find your own interests too and not wait for life to be lived through your DD. What about your other child? How do they behave?
I think a little of both things, don't be so available and look for your own interests will be healthier for your relationship.