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I don't think I can do this anymore.

(53 Posts)
Jennyrosity Wed 12-Dec-12 13:41:03

At the end of my rope with my 10 month old daughter, I just don't know how much longer I can keep going. She's just so intense, always has been, needs my constant attention and physical presence.

She doesn't nap unless I hold her and even then she breastfeeds throughout, so I feel stranded, unable to move, unable to use the time to get anything done. She barely sleeps at night, wakes up hourly, can't self-settle, wants to breastfeed, screams if her Dad goes to her instead of me.

I want to stop breast feeding but don't know how because its the only thing that always calms her. But she's so aggressive - I know she's not really, but she bites and pinches me, pulls away with the boob still in her mouth, climbs all over whilst still trying to feed.

She screams and has full on tantrums whenever I leave her alone - I just left her cot for 4 and a half minutes (I timed it) while I washed my face and brushed my teeth (can never manage to have a shower except when her Dad's home) and she screamed the whole time. When I went back she had tears streaming down her face, was pulling at her hair and had marks on her face from pulling at her skin. She howls whenever I leave her alone, it's a struggle to even make meals for us.

It takes all morning just to get us both fed, cleaned and dressed, by which time it's lunchtime and I have to start all over again so it feels never ending and I never get to go out and see anyone so I feel lonely and isolated. She physically fights me on everything - bathing, putting clothes on, nappy changes, getting her into her pram, all become screaming wrestling matches and I worry she'll hurt herself. She quite often deliberately headbuts things if she thinks she's not getting my full attention.

My DH does his best but he works really long days - usually leaves the house at 7am and isn't home till after 9pm so I'm on my own with her the whole time.

I can't bear it, I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.

TeaBrick Wed 12-Dec-12 13:43:13

That sounds really difficult. Do you ever take her to baby groups or anything like that? Maybe if she had something interesting to distract her from you that would help. And it might tire her out too.

TeaBrick Wed 12-Dec-12 13:44:10

You need to get out even if she's throwing a tantrum at the time, just put her in the pram and get out.

TeaBrick Wed 12-Dec-12 13:47:05

Have you had her checked out by your GP by the way, just to make sure there's no physical cause for her distress?

jinglebellyalltheway Wed 12-Dec-12 13:47:51

sounds really hard!

have you tried dummies, and can you afford a couple of hours mother's help a week?

definitely get out even if she's fighting in the buggy - being alone indoors with a non verbal child all the time is not good for anyone x

jinglebellyalltheway Wed 12-Dec-12 13:48:25

or home start?

dreamingbohemian Wed 12-Dec-12 13:49:43

I'm so sorry. I don't have any good advice but I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds dreadful.

I think somewhere on here there is a high needs baby thread, have you seen it?

Normally I would suggest weaning, perhaps some version of controlled crying, or starting some nursery time so you have a break -- but tbh if she is physically hurting herself when you leave her, that sounds quite extreme. I wonder if the ladies on the high needs thread would have more useful advice.

Is there a health visitor or sure start centre or anywhere you could get some advice? Is there a chance there is something physically troubling her?

TeaBrick Wed 12-Dec-12 13:50:50

Just read your op again and I think you should definitely get her checked by the GP, it sounds really extreme. Could she have silent reflux for example? The GP should see you today as she's so young.

Jennyrosity Wed 12-Dec-12 13:52:47

Yes, took her to our GP, she says she physically very healthy. Was sympathetic but couldn't offer much in the way of advice.

Try to get out but it's hard when just getting us both dressed is such a struggle. Try taking her to baby groups but she seems to hate them, won't interact with the other babies, just screams and flings herself about. We go swimming once a week which she loves but everything else seems to result in a meltdown. I feel so embarrassed about the way other mums look me, feel like it's my fault even though I do everything I can to prevent it/stop it.

She can be lovely - a happy, smiley, lively little girl. But then she flips so suddenly.

WLmum Wed 12-Dec-12 13:55:16

Poor you, that sounds utterly exhausting. I'm not surprised you can't do it any more. Have you tried talking to your health visitor? I know some of them are a bit useless but there are some good ones who might be able to offer a bit if support.

With self settling, unfortunately I had to resort to controlled crying with both of mine - not easy but changed my life! My hv was actually quite supportive. With dd2 it was also tied up with stopping bfing. She refused all other milk including expressed from all other bottles, cups etc. In the end I just said no more and regularly offered her bottles. Having had nothing all day (she was having other weaning foods) by 5pm she accepted a bottle. In the night, I started by sitting on a chair in her room just holding her after she woke but refusing to leave the room (she wanted to get in our bed and be bfed). Offered bottle but she always refused. Eventually she would fall asleep and I'd put her down. Progressed to refusing to get her out of the cot, just patting/stroking/shushing. Then to just putting my head round the door and shushing. Then the allusive peaceful nights started!

I did feel awful but was at the point of no return, and we were all alot happier in the end.

Good luck with whatever path you choose.

jinglebellyalltheway Wed 12-Dec-12 13:55:22

OP when the other mums look at yours having a meltdown, 90% of them are thinking "oh thank god its someone else's kicking off for a change, it's usually mine!" - I promise!

10month olds don't really interract with each other, the best you can hope for is "parrallel play", playing together/interracting comes later so don't worry, its good for YOU to go to things

swimming twice a week maybe?

dreamingbohemian Wed 12-Dec-12 13:56:18

Try to remember it's not your fault, it sounds like you're doing everything you can!

Has she been checked specifically for reflux? Perhaps take her to another GP?

As I understand it, if babies have reflux or other digestive issues, they will try to feed a lot as it provides temporary relief but then it fades and they end up feeling even worse.

There are also loads of reflux threads on here, perhaps you might recognise your DD's symptoms on some of them?

sipper Wed 12-Dec-12 13:58:12

Poor you and your daughter. Heart breaking and hard for both of you. Have you tried cranial treatment? I've found cranial chiropractic to be the best. Can you see who's in your area that has lots of experiences with babies and toddlers? I found it to be really calming and had a powerful effect on mood. Also worth taking a look at this book (I couldn't get it from Amazon, I found it on a web shop called Evergreen). Really interesting and v useful:

Keepmumshesnotsodumb Wed 12-Dec-12 13:59:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speculationisrife Wed 12-Dec-12 14:07:06

You poor thing, it sounds as if you're having an extremely hard time of it - you must be exhausted. I know the GP has said perfectly healthy, but they are not specialists and they wouldn't necessarily be able to spot something a paediatrician might. I'm not for a minute trying to say there is anything physically (or otherwise) wrong, but as far as I can tell you are at the end of your tether and you need to start somewhere.

Absolutely agree with the others about getting to groups (and not worrying about your daughter kicking off), as well as checking out the high-needs threads. Also, I wonder if you've considered cranial osteopathy - depending on the cause of the 'problem' it can have an extraordinarily calming effect.

Hope you find some way to get some relief - life with a small baby can feel relentless at the best of times!

Jennyrosity Wed 12-Dec-12 14:12:34

The GP is also a paediatrician, it's why I took her to her. I will look into silent reflux but a quick google suggests she doesn't have the common symptoms. Will look into cranial osteopathy, there's a place I've seen locally that does it.

MammyKaz Wed 12-Dec-12 14:16:47

jenny you need a break hun. I know it sounds impossible but as I was told when my dd was being challenging a stressed out and unhappy mummy does baby no good.

She loves you but has gotten way too dependent on just you. Really easy for her to do if its just you caring for her - I'm in same situation & it can be very difficult to cope with. But biting & pulling whilst feeding was where I drew the line, immediately she did it I took her off. She did learn but I had to move to bottle as she'd cluster feed from 5.30 till 8!!

Dont tackle it all at once, chose what you feel you can cope with first to build your confidence. Do you have any family that can come & occupy her in the house for a while? even if you don't go out but keep leaving the room so she can get used to being with others & know you'll come back. If not then I'm sorry but DH is going to have to take over on days off. DD may throw a total strop but believe me she will get used to it eventually, maybe try it with a new toy. Stock up on tissues for yourself it's going to be hard. IMO she's old enough to start getting it, you won't be hurting her in any way & you need it.

Definitely speak with HV, they often have good advice or can point you in another direction.

Be brave, round up your support & you can tackle it. Your dd will still love you just as much. Good luck!

Ps my dd sometimes went to baby group in pjs & no one cared grin

Carmeleen Wed 12-Dec-12 14:17:00

Have you considered taking her to a homeopath. They can work wonders.

dreamingbohemian Wed 12-Dec-12 14:19:51

Is it possible she has some kind of allergy, that's giving her stomach pains?

I just think it's unusual for a 10 month old to have that much distress unless there is something really physically bothering her.

orchidee Wed 12-Dec-12 14:22:30

Do you think she is a high needs baby? There's loads if info in the internet about thius,see Dr Sears' website and this thread

MammyKaz Wed 12-Dec-12 14:23:40

Just spotted the mention of cranial osteopathy. Can be brilliant, we used successfully for colic. If you want a Recommendation the osteopathic centre for children Have trained osteos based all over the country. They're London based.

Agree with jinglebelly everyone is thankful it's not their kid that time!

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Wed 12-Dec-12 14:23:42

"I feel so embarrassed about the way other mums look me, feel like it's my fault even though I do everything I can to prevent it/stop it."

That look is sympathy. Nobody is judging you. smile

orchidee Wed 12-Dec-12 14:25:51

Wrong link!

sipper Wed 12-Dec-12 14:29:15

Fab - glad you are going to try cranial. Also look out for chiropractor who does cranial - I found chiro cranial more effective than cranial osteo (can of course depend on the practitioner and perhaps your local cranial osteo is amazing, but just wanted to say I've had both and chiro has been much more effective). Whether it's silent reflux, colic or other digestive settling discomfort, the treatment should be able to address the prob. Best wishes for getting sorted and hope your little girl is comfy and happy very soon.

QTPie Wed 12-Dec-12 14:30:37

Oh honey.

Never ever get embarrassed about what other mums/people think at baby groups.

You do need a break (easier said than done). If you are at the end of your tether (anay hurt yourself or her), then getting out (at the weekend, when your husband is home) is a much better option. He can cope (will have to) and you can get some sanity.

Financially is some part-time help an option? A couple of mornings a week? A professional who can help out and maybe give ideas. Initially work with you in the house, but in time maybe give you a few hours to get out if the house?

Do you have any mummy friends? So you can go visit them (with DD) and them visit you? Might be easier going than baby groups. Where abouts in the UK are you?

How do you sleep? Co-sleep or have you tried sleeping on a mattress on her floor (we did that when DS was teething).

Has she always been like this? Or could it be teething?

What do you do when she hurts herself? How do you react?

I would definitelyl

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