Feeling like the most rubbish mum, please help me!

[knackered76]

My dd is 5 and recently has had the most awful paddies. She used to have them every so often but it has now turned into at least a twice weekly event. Today was particularly bad, she spent an hour this morning refusing to get ready for school and I finally got her to by threatening to throw one of her toys away if she didn't do it (this was after trying to find out why she didn't want to go, telling her all the fun things she would do there and the people she would see, etc). Then this afternoon I was bringing her and her friend back from gymnastics when she erupted into a fit about getting her clothes back from her friend which she had borrowed. This led to her screaming at the top of her voice, refusing to stay in car when I dropped her friend off, refusing to get back into the car, all of which was accompanied by her loud screaming. This continued when we got home so I put her in her room and told her should would be having her tea up there. More screaming and refusing to stay in her room, her coming out and me putting her back in. This goes on for a while and then I pushed the door open to tell her off (I know, no point but I was soooooooo with her) and hit her in the face with the door instead Huge fat lip comes up, blood pouring out, much guilt feeling from me. The paddy still continued until she passed out in bed.

What do I do? I really try not to lose my temper but there's only so much I can stand and then I totally lose it with her. I really didn't mean to hit her with the door but there have been times I am so close to smacking her. In a fit she was having the other night a grabbed her face in my hands and shouted at her . I'm getting increasingly worried about my temper and how I can' seem to control it when she has her paddies. I need to help myself be calmer and help her stop the ridiculous and long creaming fits.

Please help, I feel like the most rubbish mum ever and I worry that my DD won't realise how much I love her because I seem to be cross with her all the time and in comparison hardly ever with DS (who is much easier, but then he's younger and spends more time with me).

Sorry for the long post, clearly needed to get it off my chest.

[BuzzingNoise]

She sounds very trying. I don't know what to suggest as I have NO patience with my DS (3).

Don't feel guilty about the fat lip. That was an accident.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Tell yourself this: she is tired. I am presuming she is just finishing her first year at school? It is a long haul for little children and she is bound to be tired. See if you can hold it together for a couple more weeks (or whenever your term finishes) and then plan a few low key days for the beginning of the holidays. She will gradually become less tired and more relaxed and hopefully that will be the end of her temper tantrums.

[knackered76]

Dumbledoresgirl - She is exhausted and I know that's part of the problem, trouble is so am I! Low key days are definitely in order, might actually clear next couple of weeks of play dates so we get to spend some time together at home where we aren't shouting at each other.

Buzzingnoise - she is soooo trying!

[Dumbledoresgirl]

Is this a recent change in behaviour? My children mostly seemed to manage the end of term reasonably well when they were little, but I can remember other parents saying what little horrors their children had become. Knowing that it is caused by tiredness and is not your dd's normal temperament could help you to stay calmer when she kicks off.

[zam72]

My DS is a gorgeous little ray of sunshine, but also pretty 'challenging' with it!!! If this is a recent change in behaviour, but the ante has been upped, maybe its last-few-weeks-of-term-itis and once you're into the school hols things will simmer down. I know there's been lots of evidence of far more narkyness from my DS1 and others in the run up to the end of term. And them succumbing to more bugs due to being run down, which can make them all the more narky.

I've also been there with the feeling bad and worried about getting cross with them. The door was an accident. You're not a rubbish mum, just these times are sent to try us! Did you apologise about the door and do you apologise for shouting? I feel that's quite important, as long as they understand what they did too.

Is there anything bothering her out of the ordinary? Sometimes its like getting blood out of a stone talking about stuff with a 5 yo though. School/friendships/etc

I found 1-2-3 Magic fantastic for altering my DS1's behaviour. I used it at around 4.5 yo when he was just being obstinate about everything, everything was a struggle, lots of tantrums.

It basically naughty step, rewards, etc. but the main thing is to remove the emotional aspect of discipline It basically stops you trying to tell them off and getting more cross, them getting pissed off and more obstinate because you're annoyed, you more annoyed trying to explain what they've done/why they shouldn't do it, til one or both of you blows a gasket - getting into a negative circle. The next time you're almost expecting them to be naughty so they live up to the promise. And so on.

1-2-3 Magic breaks the negative circle, by having really simple rules for your child and you to follow. I think that's crucial so in the heat of the moment you know what the plan is...there's no feeling out of control (or less anyway). You count them for each misdemeanour (not 1,2,3 and then expecting compliance - one act gets them a count of 1, next act gets them a count of 2, next one gets them to 3 and 3 is when they must go to the naughty step. After they've served their time they can get up, no explanation on your part or apologies on theirs (within reason - premise is by 5 yo they know darn well what they've done and why they should'nt have done it and long explanations and apologies through gritted teeth just fan the flames of annoyance for both of you). It worked quite well for my DS1. Good Luck....5 yo are hard work, aren't they?!

[knackered76]

She has always had a tendency to have extreme tantrums but they have most certainly got worse in the past few weeks. She is also have jealousy issues at school over her 'best friend' having friends other then her.

I did apologise for hitting her with the door, I do tend to say sorry when I have done something wrong or overreacted as I too feel it's important for children to see adults admit and accept when they are wrong. Have to say though I didn't apologise for shouting at her.

zam72 - thank you so much for you suggestion. You're right, it is the emotional aspect I need to remove. I know shouting helps no-one and yet I still do it! We've never had a naughty step, I tend to put her out of what ever room I am in, but I think I might have to start have a specific place for her (and ds) to go. I suppose that helps with the consistency.

I can survive the next couple of weeks