police came to my house last night ..unbelievable really

[cheeryface]

i was very shocked last night to open the door to two burly police officers. Apparently a mum at ds2 school had rung them saying that my son has been bullying hers. the kid had also mentioned two other kids (twins) who DO cause alot of trouble in ds2 class but said he couldnt remember their surnames . so, they had come to see my son only.
ds2 was in bed . the things the police said were impossible to be true , such as he had been around there house threatening to put the windows through etc (he hasnt been out) and i know its a classic but theres no way hes a bully.

i went up after and he was still awake he wanted to get hhis clothes back on and go see this kid and have it out .
this morning i go in to school to see the head and he tells me the kid is on the autistic spectrum and gets wound up and confused but doesnt want to explain to the class about his condition so they cant mention it. they said my son is fine , his behaviour is good and this mum is just lashing out after there was an incident with her son and a child in another class.

now, thinking about it i am feeling annoyed also at the head because this mum had been in to school earlier in the week saying that they werent doing enough and she would go to the police. the head had had a quiet word with my son saying he should watch his behaviour out of school and make sure he wasnt upsetting anyone. my son didnt tell me this but then neither did the head.
two coppers at my door was the first i knew.
sorry for the rant but the more i think the angrier i am getting!

[cheeryface]

no, he was astounded that this boy could say it was him. he wanted to know why he had named him. ds2 didnt actually say 'have it out' they were my words.

he hasnt bullied the child, the school say he hasnt and i know he hasnt.

[DinahRod]

Would expect ds' response to be one of puzzlement if completely uninvolved or horror or embarrassment if he was, but a desire to have it out is concerning and perhaps implies there is some cause for concern. Suggest you get ds' version of events and then the schools' before reaching a judgement.

[DinahRod]

sorry x posted

probably better then that ds keeps away from this boy and the twins (who must be identifiable)

[CantSupinate]

Maybe I'm confused by British English, but if someone accused me of bullying them I would want to talk to them face-to-face to figure out exactly why they were saying such a thing. So "having it out" sounds like a normal thing to want to do imho.

[mummytime]

If someone thinks you are bullying them (which can happen when you have no intent of bullying them if they are ASD). Then you go to challenge them about it, that is bullying. Your son needs to stay away from this boy, be seen to stay away. If necessary make sure you keep a record of his movements.
You may also want to contact the police with a written statement of what the school headteacher told you.

[CantSupinate]

Well if anyone made what I considered a false allegation against me I'd want to challenge them on it. I thought that was just human nature .

Are there any other situations where it is bad form to challenge false allegations? Always, maybe?

[cheeryface]

i have told ds2 to try and avoid the twins from day one as they purposly try to wind him and other children up all the time. as for the child who thinks ds2 has bullied him , ds2 never has much to do with him anyway as he doesnt do the same things i.e media club at breaktimes etc . he isnt a child i have heard ds mention much before. he always tells me when theres been any arguments etc. hes not really a confrontational child. the only time he acts wrongly ime is when he has been continuously wound up by these twins and then he ends up crying ,shouting and calling them names back in frustration.
the head said the problem is really all down to him having autism and my son shouldnt worry.

[cheeryface]

i feel like going round to see this mother and getting it sorted out. calling the police was imo way over the top.
the class they are in are nearly all boys, its very rowdy , alot of them call each other gay alot and theres always loads of falling outs between them.
if her son has been bulllied then mine must have been too
thers always going to be people saying things you dont like, i dont think thats bullying. i would only go in to the school if a particular child or group were singling mine out and taunting them on a regular basis. thats what i'd call bullying.

[Chatelaine]

As you do, so your son must feel really upset about this if he has been unjustly suspected of something. To "have it out" read "to clear my name." Not your son's fault this boy has special needs and that this was not common knowledge. How awful for you to have police at the door! See to it your son is kept busy, has a good calm attitude when confronted like this in the future and build his confidence that he can come to you with stuff like this, it can all be sorted out in the end and the Police are just following up information, often to rule things out. It's important he understands that the Police have to make enquiries after an allegation is made, and it does not follow that anyone is automatically in trouble when they call. All very well for the Head Teacher to say don't worry - it's what a lot of children do. The school should be made aware of the impact of all this on your son. Hope it blows over soon, with your son stronger and wiser.

[cheeryface]

thankyou

[GetOrfMoiLand]

If I was the mother of the autistic child I would be at the end of my tether - both at the bullying and at the dismissive attitude of the head.

I can't imagine anyone calling the police in this situation unless there was good reason to do so.

You may think that your child is an angel who has done no wrong, but he could have been involved in the kind of low level name calling which you mention in one of your posts, which is hideous enough for a normal spectrum child, let alone one with autism.

Both you and your child sound quite aggressive - have it out, sort it out. The kid and his mother feel he is being bullied - just leave them alone.

[Chatelaine]

GetOrfMoiLand - the school has said her son's behaviour is fine! I think you were a little harsh.

[Jane054848]

There's no reason to believe that her son is bullying or that she has been unreasonable. If I or my child was unjustly accused of bullying - by the POLICE - I would be very very pissed off. I am sure we all have sympathy for this autistic child and his mother but that doesn't mean that OP or her son have done anything wrong.

BTW mummytime - I am so glad that you try to make kids you teach aware how offensive it is to use "gay" in that derogatory sense. I know so many otherwise intelligent adults who maintain it is totally fine.

[cheeryface]

I was told by the head that this boy is on the autistic spectrum but not severe enough to have any help, which is probably very stressful for his mum but in fairness the school had said that it would be best to explain about this to the other children and they refused and said they didnt want to do that.
so, how are the kids supposed to know how to treat him?
i have made it clear to my son that this boy is confused and cannot help his behaviour . but surely his mum would know that sometimes he gets things confused and get her facts right before calling the police!
even if she had come to see me we could have got the two boys together and talked it through.
my son is a caring boy , his best friend at school is in a wheelchair and he helps him all the time and makes sure he can be joined into games etc . he knows all about peoples differences.
and i ALWAYS tell him that calling someone gay is unacceptable but its so commonplace at his school

[cheeryface]

sorry that might not have been clear, the boy and his mother did not want to explain to the other children that he has autism they didnt want to tell them.

[Bucharest]

I think it's great that the police are taking accusations of bullying seriously.

"the head says it's down to him having autism". Jesus H. I thought things had moved on. Is the head about 80 or something?

[Bucharest]

Sorry, just reread posts and am confused.

The head says that your son is not involved but also has singled him out and told him to be careful about his behaviour (presumably towards this child) out of school?

Does not compute.

[TheCrackFox]

How old are all the children?

[cheeryface]

no, i am a bit annoyed about that. he hadnt actually told my son what had gone on , just that a parent had complained and to make sure he wasnt playing knck a door run or anything. which is one of the things she said he had been doing. impossible as he is always with me anyway.
the police actually said they thought what she had said was trivial, it wasnt really a police matter but they had to come anyway. they were actually smiling about it all.

[activate]

write a letter, ask head to pass it on

explain why you think she has the wrong child

ask her sensitively to put her side across on the basis that you want to sort it out and understand if there is any fault from your child which at the moment you believe there is not

express sorrow and understanding for her position as the mother of a child who feels bullied - put yourself in her position

[Chatelaine]

People on the autistic spectrum can be difficult and challenging. They are not angels. You cannot expect other children to be enlightened about this automatically. That takes explanations and experinece in interacting with people having different needs. If they see "different" or inappropriate behaviour then they respond as we know as adults, insensitively. Lots of adults laugh and belittle their own children for example. If this child has not got sufficient support then I am truly sorry. Maybe his autistic status is yet to be fully assessed. If the police were involved and this has got back to the school as one would hope in a joined up way of working, then the matter is being investigated and the school can not ignore the matter any longer. They will have to develop some strategies. Lets hope for a good outcome for both parties here.

[Jaquelinehyde]

I'm glad the police visited you, it shows that they take this kind of situation seriously.

Imagine that your son was telling you over and over that he was being bullied, you did the right thing and went to the school but nothing was done, The bullying then escalated and threats were being made about coming to your house etc...what would you do? I would damn well report it to the police that's for sure.

The school is at fault here and the little shits that are doing the bullying. If your son trys to sort this out by talking to the boy it could go very wrong, and as an adult I'm shocked that you want to approach his mother over what you consider an over reaction. Yes because that will make it all so much better.

Leave it alone and warn your son to steer clear of the trouble makers...I presume he told the police who it was that had been doing the bullying.