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To Three or not to Three, that is The Question

(77 Posts)
almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 16:25:08

I am selfishly starting another thread on this much debated topic. I have two lovely DDS who are 3 yo and 18 mos. DH wants more. Things are generally comfortable and good. Should we try for a Third or quit here? I am almost 40. TIA.

Pinotmum Mon 15-Aug-05 16:52:01

Well the decision is yours and your dh's really. I have deliberated over this one over the past year. I will be 40 in November. I have a dd who will be 5 yo in October and a ds who will be 3 yo in October. My dh is agreeable to another, it's down to me now. I have decided to leave it a while. I have just gone back to work after 41/2 years and I am going back to college p/t in September. I feel my family is "complete" but feel my "babies" are growing too fast. Money is fine at the moment but dh is self employed so no guarantees and the house is big enough, just, but how can I stretch myself over 3 children when I sometimes struggle with 2. I don't know if I'm selfish wanting another and wonder if my other 2 would "suffer" as a result. I came from a family of 3 and money was always tight. I think when you really think it through and then still want one then go for it. I, as yet, am not 100% certain Ramble over, good luck!

Gobbledigook Mon 15-Aug-05 16:52:48





It's marvellous!

motherinferior Mon 15-Aug-05 16:53:41

I am currently saying two is enough

Tomorrow, of course, is another day.

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 16:59:03

Thanks, Ladies. I realize it's a personal decision, and no mum of three ever says that she regrets it. Somehow though there is a really nice balance to having just two. I keep going back and forth on this, which perhaps means that I really do want another. . . Pinomum, I think you have the harder decision, as you do already have one of each, you lucky thing.

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 17:00:37

Gobbledigook, if you can articulate, what makes having three more marvellous than having just two? Or is it just having children really is marvellous in general, and the more the merrier?

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 17:01:41

Motherinferior, I hear you and often feel the same way. When I find myself falling asleep in the afternoon and low on patience with my DDS, I wonder - how could I ever have 3???

Twiglett Mon 15-Aug-05 17:10:03

Can I join in the thronged questions

my heart wants another baby (DS 4.5 and DD 15 months) with a 3 year age gap between DD and next one

but can my body cope? I had 2 very bad pregnancies with very bizarre ailments in each

and can my marriage cope? DH had to pick up the slack and doesn't want another as he believes 2 parents - 2 kids works well

and could I cope with 3 x 4 year olds? I have very placid easy-going babies then they hit 3 and whilst still placid and good there's something about 3 and 4 year olds incessant chatter and behaviour that can be quite wearing

so heart willing, but brain, body and wallet weak ... eek

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 17:17:05

Twiglett, you have one of each and what sounds like an ideal interval to me - I say enviously. Regarding whether your body can cope - depends on what your doctor says? whether your marriage can cope - depends on you and your DH. Regardless of all this, it sounds like you really want another. I'm much more resisitent.

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 17:18:03

In other words, you should listen to your heart and your body, and ignore your brain and wallet.

cadbury Mon 15-Aug-05 17:27:29

I feel like this too. I am in my early 30's and have a dd of very nearly 5 and a ds of 2.

I know I would like another child at some stage and we could just about fit another one in the house. Dh is keen and says that our finances could cope with another.

I have been saying to people who ask about our plans that I won't rule out a 3rd but I want to wait until my mental health and patience can cope with it (had PND with both). I feel stressed out with my two already but I'm told that the jump from 2 to 3 is nowhere near as scary and kick-you-in-the-teeth big as 1 to 2 was. I am not a very patient mum and dd is fairly high maintainence emotionally, ds less so but he has just gone into the terrible twos.

What I thought I'd do is wait until ds looks like he is coming out the other side and is settled at preschool and dd at school, and see how I feel about the prospect of No 3 then.

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 17:30:45

Cadbury, sounds like a good plan, and as you are still quite young (you must ignore Emily05's MIL from the other thread) and have one of each (I say enviously, again), you can't go wrong from postponing the decision a bit, eh?

Twiglett Mon 15-Aug-05 17:32:39

I think if I'm brutally honest my heart may well be saying

"What that's it? So if you don't have another baby that's the end of this stage in your life, the end of you being a 'young family' even though you're 38 and actually bordering on middle age. You will no longer be able to convince yourself you're quite young really.

And then you'll just get older then, and your children get older. And then they can't stand you because of their hormones. But you know babies.. babies they always always love you and think you're wonderful"

<my heart seems to be a bit of mean ol' bugger really>

Twiglett Mon 15-Aug-05 17:33:13

"PS" says heart "they also smell great"

bossykate Mon 15-Aug-05 17:39:08

mi started a similar thread recently, and i have also been plagued by broody feelings myself. the comment on the other thread that's calmed down the broodiness a bit for was "quit while you're ahead"... i find myself quite reassured by that...

swiperfox Mon 15-Aug-05 17:39:11

Hi all - I've been to-ing and fro-ing with the idea of having a third since ds was born, he's now 14 months. I have one of each, ds and dd who is 3.7, so a nice age gap. However it never felt enough, even though ds is only little. However, as some of you know, I'm now 6 weeks pg with number 3, accidentally, and while it is exremely bad timing for us, now that's happening it feels right and 'complete' and the nagging feeling has completely gone.

I think you have to follow your heart. We are in no position financially to be doing this but we'll manage - and I can't wait to have a houseful!!!

swiperfox Mon 15-Aug-05 17:43:13

With three though, do you get an 'odd one out' ?

clary Mon 15-Aug-05 17:50:17

almost40, one of each imo is not so great. In a way if I had had two the same I might have stopped there....(also I hated the way everyone said, oooh, a pigeon pair, lucky you!!) why is one of each perfect? I think same-sex siblings get on much better.

Anyway, I have 3 children and wd love 4 but various things (practical and age considerations) are saying no.
Do we have an odd one out? Not really, we have ds1, dd, ds2, and the two boys play together, the two little ones play together, the two big ones play together so it mixes up quite well. I wouldn’t be without any of them, they make my life complete.

YeahBut Mon 15-Aug-05 18:10:50

I decided to go with my gut feel and try for number 3. I have 2 great dds and have hankered after a third pretty much since dd2 was born! I'm 15 weeks pg atm and very glad about it - I think that if I hadn't decided go for it, I would have really regretted it in later years when it was too late to do anything about it. We have left quite a gap this time. Dd1 will be 6 and dd2 will be 4 and both will be at school full-time when bump arrives (all things being well). Not sure I could have managed with 2 toddlers and a newborn!!

steffee Mon 15-Aug-05 18:17:52

Ditto here. ds1, dd and ds2 - ds1 and dd do certain things together, dd and ds2 and the two boys, or all three. It means when one of them wants to play alone, the other two can play together. I think 3 works quite well.

I grew up with one sister and we both always felt there should be another of us, though we were close.

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 19:05:05

Congratulations Swiperfox and Yeahbut. There you go. I do feel a bit like 'quitting while I'm ahead' though I guess since I am feeling this way, I will postpone the decision. . . Steffee, I think it's interesting you felt like you should have another sibling. I wonder if my DDS will feel the same way.

CarolinaMoon Mon 15-Aug-05 19:12:06

This thread's awfully good-natured, isn't it?

Must be the nice weather bringing out everyone's lovely side .

Am only on no.1 myself, but like Stefee I always wished there were more of us than just me and my sister.

Doesn't mean your 2 will feel the same way though almost40. Happy parents is the important thing IMHO.

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 19:28:18

Is it good-natured? I hadn't noticed. It's interesting though - I have never thought about what my DDS might want. I did have a second child with it in mind not to have DD1 be an only child though I don't think either would want another little baby in the house now.

fqueenzebra Mon 15-Aug-05 19:30:39

I have always wanted 3, and I guess I'm glad I have 3, but it has Been much harder work than I ever reckoned. There are all sorts of things I can't do because of having 3. This is partly because of not having a support network, maybe you have ready babysitters around. I get told off by other parents/other people for what kid 1 is doing while I'm keeping an eye on kids 2 and 3.

Eg., There is skating on Thursdays in the summer at the high school. DS1 can't go on his own and I have to keep an eye on dd and ds2; can't take them with.

Tomorrow there is reading in the library; I'd love to take dd (ds1 is at holiday club). But ds2 (the baby) will try to tear the shelves apart. So, I just can't take dd much as I'd like to. This kind of situation happens all the time....

almost40 Mon 15-Aug-05 20:31:46

Thanks fqz. It does seem as though 3 somehow gets the balance off - I feel capable of handling 2 on my own, but I don't think I could handle 3 on my own. . . I admire you all who can do it though.

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