Dd, grandmas and me (long)

[LaDiDaDi]

Sorry in advance for the length of this post.

I returned to work ft when dd was 8 months old, my parents cared for her whilst I woerked. I;ve now been off work for 7 months on mat.leave (ds just turned 6m). Since I've been off I've obviously been spending a lot more time with dd, my parents have had her a few times and baby sat both dc a few times (not many as I'm ex.bf) and we've spent a lot of time with my parents altogether iyswim.

Lately dd has become more and more reluctant to spend any time away from me with my parents, in fact she doesn't want to be away from me at all but seems to accept me leaving her with dp better than me leaving her with my parents. Tonight we wanted her to sleep at my parents house so this afternoon mum was here and then we explained to dd that she was going to stay at grandma's house. Cue hysteria from dd to the point that dp carried her to the car and she kept trying to undo her straps saying that she didn't want to go without me etc etc. .

I feel dreadful, I really wanted her to go so that we could have a night out (round to a friend's) and I could have a break in the morning (ds will need bf but is still easier to deal with alone than with dd). Also I need her to be happy to spend time at my parents house without me, inc. overnight, as when I go back to work, pt this time, she will need to stay there some weekends. The whole thing is a nightmare and I feel like I can't work out or do the right thing. I hate the thought of dd feeling like we are making her go away from us.

Once I was on mat.leave I really wanted to spend as much time as possible with dd, I really feel like I want to make up for working ft before and I've loved being with her. My mum clearly feels rejected by dd's behaviour, seems to be a bit jealous and also, I think, blames me for it all for wanting to be with dd so much since I've been off work.

I've just rang my mum and in the car apparently dd told her that she was ds's grandma and her other grandma (mil)was her grandma iyswim.

I just don't know what to do for the best at all. I worry that I've totally buggered up dd's attachments. She is not an easy child tbh but obv. I love her to bits.

How should I handle this??

[LaDiDaDi]

Sorry, missing the vital info of dd having just turned 4!

[compo]

Ah bless her
she'll get used to being with your mum again I'm sure
maybe leave her for shorter things first unless it's too late? And spend loads of time altogether but let your mum take the lead in pushing her on swings, holding her hand to cross the road, set up things like her and your mum making fairy cakes in the kitchen while you cuddle ds in the lounge etc

[LaDiDaDi]

I think I'm going to have to make it a regular thing that mum picks dd up from nursery school at lunchtime one day/week and takes her to her house/out and about instead of me and ds and dd going round.

Just feel really stressed about it all.

[LaDiDaDi]

Well dd settled down ad my mum's house last night and had tea and played and went to bed fine, she's also been good this morning and came home at 12.30 and she's been fine. Can't decide if I should mention what she saidto my mum about the grandmas thing or not?

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

Sorry, but I think you're going about things the wrong way. The more you push your dd away (which is how it seems to her, whether that's how it is or not), the more insecure she'll feel, and the more she'll cling to you. She is unsettled because of the new baby (older siblings take much longer than you'd expect to get used to a new baby) and needs to know you're still there for her. Sending her to her grandparents' just feels like rejection to her and you are making it worse by forcing her.

Your mum is going to have to be grown up about it and stop taking it personally. My MIL does this and it drives me mad! Your DD needs you to listen to her and take her clear emotional needs seriously. It won't be forever, and then you'll get your breaks with your DH again. But you have to focus on her now. You're the grown up, you can wait. She's the child and she needs her mum and dad to make her feel secure.

[wannaBe]

So where was your ds while your dd was being sent off to her gramma?

Am I right in thinking that he stayed with you? Because if so then tbh I can see why your dd is so reluctant to go - in her eyes you are pushing her away so that you can have ds to yourself.

Your dd is getting used to having a new baby and no longer being the centre of your world. By separating her from the new baby you are giving her the message that the new baby is more important to you and that she has to go away sometimes while the new baby gets to spend time with you.

I wouldn't send dd to your mum's on her own again tbh, I would only send her if ds can go too.

If you want an evening out then why not get your mum to come and stay at your house, getting a morning to yourself is a luxury you can't really afford atm tbh - there will be time for that when the dc are older.

[LaDiDaDi]

Thanks for your views.

I understand what you are saying MrsWobble and Wannabe. It's also really helpful to know that someone else has a grandma who takes stuff the dc say personally. What would you do about the going back to work stuff?

I'm worried that if I don't get dd staying with my mum now then in Septmenber when I go back to work and she starts school then there will be so much change in her life that she will be even more distressed when she needs to stay there.

I think I'm going to have to try to introduce formula to ds (got a thread going in feeding about the possibility of continuing with bf) so that both of them can stay with their grandparents together.

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

My DS is nearly 4, he has been with me pretty much all the time apart from a period between 12-24 months when I worke dv part time. I am still going through a challenging time with him when he wants lots of attention, has to be me putting him to bed etc, so what I'm trying to say is that this is a tough developmental time for them - I don't think you've buggered up her attachments!

Starting school is an exciting thing, but also a massive change. DS also has a younger sister, but 18 months so has had longer to adjust.

I would say that if you're not back to work until September, why not relax a bit over the summer holidays and give DD some of the attention that she craves. Maybe your mum could take the baby for an hour or so so that you and DD can do something together - this definitely works with me and DS.

But mine haven't stayed away overnight without me or DH yet - mainly because no-one has offered to take them! Would love a lie-in [wistful}

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

LaDiDaDi - Well I haven't got back to work because of how strongly I feel about it, so that doesn't help you that much! I am lucky - my parents and DH's parents also feel strongly about supporting us doing what we think is best for the children, so they help us out a bit to enable us to do that.

Don't bother with formula - can't you do ebm? Is there no way you can delay going back to work? When do you have to go? I really think your little DD is going to need you around when she has just had the upheaval of a new brother, and then the upheaval of starting school. She needs as much as possible to stay the same, and stable, to help her cope with it.

I hope I'm not upsetting you, or appearing judgemental, but I have experienced myself how children can't cope with changes, but how they cope better when something (ideally the parent) stays the same.

[MrsWobbleTheWaitress]

And, I dont' think you've buggered up their attachments, like Rhinestone says. But children go through difficult periods in their development, and they get stressed out - like you would if you had an intensive period of study. The most calming thing for children's brains, is lots and lots and lots of time with their mum - not doing anything special, just being together.

[LaDiDaDi]

Will be back laterto discuss but in the meantime; I'm going back to work end of Sept, dd will have been at school for two weeks. Can't delay it. Not going to do ebm, hate expressing and don't get much out!

[Al1son]

You haven't harmed her attachments. Lots of children suddenly have problems with childcare arrangements out of the blue and this is with school looming and a baby brother at home.

I'd suggest sending the baby out or to your mum's now and then so you can spend a bit of extra time with her alone. She may be more inclined to go if he's there anyway - just to make sure she's not missing out.

Spend lots of time with her and your mum together but I have to say I don't agree with trying to get her to do more with your mum on those occasions because she will see it as you pushing her away. Better to try a bit of reverse psychology instead.

[pippop1]

I think you need to tell her what you will be doing while she was at your Mum's. I used to say I was ironing which was seen by DS1 as boring and that he had to keep way away as it was dangerous too.

I "ironed" my way all through his time at nursery while his baby brother was with me. DS2 was born ten days after DS1 started morning nursery so not ideal timing.

He just wanted to know what i was doing. The other thing I said I was doing was shopping. Also seen as v boring!

[LaDiDaDi]

I always say that I'm hoovering as she doesn't like it when I hoover. I also say that ds is going to have a long sleep (wishful thinking).

I've managed to get ds to take some ff tonight, hopefully soon he will be able to go with dd to my parents or he could go to them whilst I had some time alone with dd.

MrsWobble, you didn't upset me at all . I know that all parents try to do what is best for their family w.r.t. working and childcare; different strokes for different folks I suppose but good to hear different pov.