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Help please............DD bitten today at coffee "thing" and we came home, what do I do now (sorry v long)

(76 Posts)
loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:35:22

Hope this is the right topic to put this and DD go to a coffee afternoon every friday with my antenatal group and its great, mums clicked right from the start and the babes (all girls) also get on well. This afternoon one of the girls bit my DD on her fingers leaving them purple with a mark that has still not gone down, the skin was broken but no blood (thank god). The girl who dod this has also bitten DD on another occasion when the mark stayed for a week and 3 weeks ago agressivly growled at her so loudly that it made her cry. After the growling I said to myself that if it happened again me and DD would go home. This child IMO is agressive and also seems to select my dd only for this bullying behaviour. The mother who I know well just says "stop being agressive" or "really you should go in the corner" makes her come and say sorry and then thats it!! LAst week my DD pinched one of the girls and after doing it twice I said if she did it again we would go home which we ended up doing. So after the biting today I decided enough was enough and we came home, the mum of the other girl took great offence and looked at me as if I was mental, I said that it was not a reflection on her, that I have alot of other issues going on at the moment and that I could not watch out for my DD and other children at the same time and that I did not want to argue with her about it so it was best if we went home to which she said that I obviously had other issues and that it was a good thing that I went otherwise we would really get into it!! I cried all the way home and dont know what to do now. I am a bit emotionally drained as my Mum died 3 months ago but I do feel that her daughter is a bully!! Any advice gratefully received

Jimjams Fri 12-Aug-05 19:36:38

how old?

lunavix Fri 12-Aug-05 19:37:01

How old is your dd?

lockets Fri 12-Aug-05 19:37:09

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misdee Fri 12-Aug-05 19:37:42

how old is the child?

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:38:13

They are all turning 2 this month

lunavix Fri 12-Aug-05 19:38:52

I don't think that you should have told the mum it's not a reflection on her, as it partly is.

Your 'issues' aside, you don't want to encourage your dd along this behaviour, so maybe you should ask this parent if you could talk to her to discuss strategy for both your dds?

lockets Fri 12-Aug-05 19:38:53

Message withdrawn

misdee Fri 12-Aug-05 19:39:40

at the age of 2 a child isnt a bully. they are still testing the boudries.

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:41:58

The thing is that she dosent do it to anyone else and all of the acts are completely unprovoked. I am by no means saying that my DD is an angel and if it had been tit for tat than I could accept it but I now feel that any time that my DD is within the other girls personal space then she will lash out at her

lockets Fri 12-Aug-05 19:43:16

Message withdrawn

misdee Fri 12-Aug-05 19:44:28

maybe the girl's parents need some help keeping her 'under control'. dont blame the child tho.

my dd has been labelled a bully by numerous people. it breaks my heart to hear it, and yet she can be the sweetest girl about. she acts up when people call her a bully etc. she is almost 3.

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:46:43

At first I thought it was a reaction thing as her Mum has always been very involved in everything the girl does, almost to the point of a running commentary as we all play together. She never leaves her in a room on her own to play with the others in case something happens. Also there is a 3 month old now on the scene. All of these factors I am trying hard to understand but there is now only really a reaction from my DD and not really from Mum. At what point do I say no more, when she pushes my DD off the slide?? I know this sounds drastic but the behaviour is escalating.

Enid Fri 12-Aug-05 19:46:52

I dont see what she can do tbh.

Her dd is NOT a bully at coming up to 2. Lots of kids are aggressive and although it is irritating and sometimes upsetting, I am afraid the only way to get around it is to watch your dd like a hawk and gently move her away from any kids you suspect might hurt her.

dd2 has a very aggressive 'friend' who hit her with a metal poker once . He also bites and kicks but he is growing out of it and can be very sweet. I admit I avoided him and his mum for ages but now we do meet and both watch them very carefully.

I dont think taking your dd home will teach her anything about pinching either (at less than 2 years). Better off getting down to their level, looking at her very firmly and saying 'NO, we do NOT bite/pinch' in a slightly fierce voice. Then change the subject and move her away. Dont insist on her saying sorry, but if she doesnt offer it herself, you say it for her, very clearly to the other child, not the mum.

SenoraPostrophe Fri 12-Aug-05 19:47:11

agree - 2 is very young, and punishments beyond removing the child and making her say sorry are inappropriate at that age imo.

It may help if you tell the child off next time (if there is a next time) - I find that someone else telling my children off can be more effective. You need to be quick and also gentle, to avoid causing offence.

Enid Fri 12-Aug-05 19:48:17

yes, agree, tell the other child off (gently).

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:48:51

where do I go from here then

lunavix Fri 12-Aug-05 19:49:34

In our group, if someone witnesses a child doing something naughty or violent, they do not leave it to the parent to tell them off, or make them apologise. Why, the parent might not have even witnessed it?

Tell the child off yourself.

Enid Fri 12-Aug-05 19:50:08

ring her and apologise and see if you can agree to keep an eye on them next Friday.

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:52:52

The girl ran straight to her Mum to tell her what she had done, and she does make her come and say sorry but this is almost getting to be every week now. The mum would not take kindly to others telling off her child, however gently it was I'm afraid. And she is always saying how much her DD is upset when she gets home after hitting out at caiti and how she talks about it for days afterwards!! I almost feel as if I am getting mixed messages, does she or does she not understand and feel bad about things?

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:54:20

I'm sorry Enid, what am I apologising for?? I didnt shout ot raise my voice to her or the child and my DD was so upset that she wouldnt let her DD apologise and she didnt say sorry for the incident on behalf of her daughter

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:55:27

I know that last post sounds like I am on my high horse and I want to try and be the bigger person, but my DD went to bed with teeth marks on her fingers and I am apologising?

KBear Fri 12-Aug-05 19:55:53

I'm sorry to hear you lost your Mum recently.

You are entitled to be upset by what happened (a child bit my DS at nursery recently so I know how you feel) BUT you could have handled it better perhaps. Have a chat with your friend, be honest, say you're a bit teary and it upset you etc but she would feel the same way if her child had been bitten. Don't lose a friend or group of friends over it.

loujay Fri 12-Aug-05 19:57:16

I'm going to let things settle over the weekend and then maybe give her a ring on Monday........see how the land lies

Eaney Fri 12-Aug-05 20:12:35

It really should have been the other child leaving. Your DD was the victim but may have felt she was being punished.

A boy of about 3 threw a stone at my DS in the park yesterday and it hit hin in the head. We don't know this child and weren't playing with him. He just walked up picked up a big stone and threw it. By the time I got to him, two other Mums were very concerned and DS was very upset.
What annoyed me was that the childs Mum got him to say sorry but I felt he should have been punished. If it were my child I would have made him say sorry and they marched him home. I felt the Mum was just going throught the motions.

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