SAHMs how do you avoid depression?

[naturelover]

I have a nearly one year old and a nearly three year old. No childcare, no family nearby, DH gone 12 hours a day Mon-Fri. Eldest about to start nursery two sessions a week only.

I can't seem to shake off depression, I'm not enjoying my life much and my mood is clearly affecting the kids now. I'm permanently exhausted and cranky. I've tried prozac but it didn't suit me. Am going to try and get some counselling.

I DO get out every day, I DO see other mums, but there are still very long days with the kids and I don't have the energy (interest?) to do exciting things with the children.

I'm now in a situation where I can't afford to work because I couldn't earn enough to cover the childcare.

Does anyone have any good ideas to help me get out of this rut?

[lovecheese]

naturelover I do sympathise and empathise with you but unfortunately I am needed for bed duty for my three, but I promise I will be back later.

[Tyniclogs]

Hello Naturelover,

I am in a similar position, I have a one year old and my eldest is three and half and at nursery each afternoon. I've been up and down since the first one was born and definately went post natal with the second. I was really depressed at Christmas but am feeling better now. Hormones still trip me up each month though and I always have an eye on the calender so I know when I'm due a low patch.

What helped for me was making time to do things for me again. I'm an artist and I started working again but I don't always get the time so even just painting my toenails or having a bath when the boys are in bed helps me feel a little better. Also planning ahead and looking for things to do together as a family as much as possible makes me feel more connected to the fun side of parenting.

I'm finding life hard work at the moment and I'm shattered each night by 8pm.
I keep telling myself it's just the way things are for now and it won't be like this forever.

Hope it helps a little to know you're not alone. I've found counselling has helped me in the past (I can't take Prozac it turns me into a zombie!)

One thing I am learning from being a parent is that each phase moves on of its own accord and even if you do nothing, things change.

[sweetnitanitro]

Hello, I'm a SAHM and have a history of depression. I find long walks help, is there a country park near you that's buggy friendly? Dragging DD around in the great outdoors has definitely helped. Even getting outside in the garden or walking round the block is better than staying inside.

I think nearly 1 is a difficult age, I went through a really rough patch with DD at this age because she wanted me to entertain her all the time and there was no break. It will pass quickly, maybe you can enlist your 3 year old to help with the entertainment. You don't need to do exciting things every single day, there's nothing wrong with just doing a bit of colouring or reading a few books.

I think counselling will help, it's great just to vent and get it all off your chest even if you don't want to go into loads of detail about your past. Have you spoken to your GP about trying a different AD?

[runnybottom]

Lustral.

[LillianGish]

Nearly one and three is a tough time for any mum. That doesn't really help you now, but hang on in there it does get much easier! I was living abroad when mine were that age so I really sympathise with no family, no childcare bit - my dh also worked (and still does) long hours which left me feeling like a single parent some of the time. I was also living in a third floor flat with no lift, but I still second what an earlier poster said about getting out - I think it really helps to get up and out of the house in the morning to tire them out so hopefully they'll have a good long nap on your return so you can do something for yourself. I used to love taking them swimming for the same reason - feels like climbing Everest the first time you take two of them, but perfectly possible and it reaaly tires them out! I think it's also important to lower expectations about what you can reasonably achieve when the children are this age. Don't beat yourself up about not being the perfect mum (you are the perfect mum for them whatever you do) there's nothing wrong with watching a bit of CBeebies together. You don't always have to be doing educational and improving projects with them and remember very soon they'll be able to entertain each other. You are right in the middle of the very difficult bit of having two close together, but soon you will be reaping the rewards.

[DinahRod]

The first term after your eldest turns 3 they should qualify for more nursery time if you want to take it - locally here that's 5x 2 and a half hour sessions or at the private place about 3 whole mornings I think. Would that make returning to work p/t feasible? And what kind of work do you do? I found it more economic for both of us to claim childcare vouchers than WTC.

If your mood is low then definitely see your GP, wished I had after having ds1. But if it's just that you feel bad for not recreating BluePeter moments and going to MessyTumbleJingles every day then I'm pretty sure we didn't do that when we were younger, but were very happy to tootle round at home and get out for some fresh air.

Or what about volunteering where the children would be welcome, like SureStart?

[bobdog]

First of all well done, with very little/no support you have a 1 and a 3 year old, a home and are hanging on to a marriage. It has been very hard and a long journey with being pregnant/new borns/toddler and having so much responsibility. I have worked hard but nothing compares to the burden at that point.

I really pleased to tell you that it really does become easier, and quite quickly too, so you have that to look forward to.

As for advice, build bridges, find others, they don't have to be best best friends for ever and ever just women with children at similar ages (we all forget just how hard the hard stage was). Try to meet up one evening for just a couple of hours without any childcare responsibilites (or else host) or bring the baby. Everyone brings nibbles/chocolate, soft lighting so we can't see the state of the hosts house and have a laugh & a cry. You'll find lots in a similar position under the surface. Agree to do it again in 4/6/8 weeks.

Been there, come out the other side, best wishes.

[soremummy]

ok i admit i didnt read all the thread but i am like you in a sense i have 4 dc 19 17 16 and surprise one 3yrs old. i dont live in same country as my family im 44 and tbh it is doing my head in looking after dc4 she is a total nightmare and has reduced me to tears on many occasions but i did find a little respute in local playgroup she gets 3 times a wk for 2hrs not a lot but my sanity has somewhat resumed i think! oh btw im in the middle of gsce exams a2 exams and a level so this house is so volitile atm but i keep taking the 10 breaths and breathe it will get better i coped better with 3 under 4 than i do with this little lady but it will get better btw my dh? is never around when needed

[soremummy]

if i survived my first 3 believe me anyone can as like u i had no help (although inlaws less than 5 mins walk away) i got there and i did survive and my kids remember it and they do appreciate their mummy looking after them just tonight my 19 yr old ds said to me is .... gonna have as much fun as we did and go to park and tell silly stories like we did will u take her on mystery trip like u did with us and end up in disneyland paris what im saying is the kids remember all u do for them and u CAN do it although im knackered most of the time this WILL happen and u can do the same for your kids if you waqn to forget the house/ironing etc beleive me when tey grow up u loose them enjoy it now while u can sorry for rant had a few med probs with ds 19 and feeling a little protective

[jellybeang]

I'm in a similar situation. It good to hear from the other posters that things get better! The one thing that really helps me is exercise. So hard to do I know, but do whatever you can to find a way to get in some workouts, outdoors if you can. Some leisure centres have really cheap drop in childcare. I used to laugh at the idea of a mum & baby stroller fitness class but it is great. Use the time that your eldest is at nursery to do something for yourself - it'll seem easy with just one kid in tow! Running is hard to get started on but you get better really quickly, you can do it anywhere & it doesn't take too long. Even when I'm totally knackered I feel so much better after some exercise.

[DTWD]

Totally agree with jellybeang. I started running when ds2 was 6 months old and it has definitely staved off the depression. He is now nearly 2 and I'm attempting to train for my first half marathon! The only childcare I have is dp who works full time and gets home at 6pm. Usually I go out for a run about 8pm and try to do this every other night (on a good week!), but sometimes its 10pm and occasionally I have forced myself out the door at midnight! That does sound like madness, but it really does work. When I get back the adrenaline is pumping and I feel fantastic. I've also found my energy levels have increased loads so even if I only get 5 hours sleep I don't feel too bad the next day. Yep its really hard to get started, but once you get fit there is nothing better than plugging in your ipod and going for a leisurely jog (or a mad dash if you feel super stressed) and totally zoning out for 30 mins. Cheaper than the gym too: the only financial outlay is a pair of trainers and some some suitable clothing (a good sports bra is essential)!

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

What helped me was:

Insisting I had at least a morning completely off every weekend, with DH looking after the DSs

Getting a childminder to look after DS2 for half a day a week, when DS1 was at playgroup

Counselling

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Is there any room for manoeuvre with your DHs hours? Does he know how bad you feel? - I had to tell DH I was in danger of cracking up

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

And it just gradually gets better and better - for me this was the hardest part. Chin up

[IMoveTheStars]

You know that getting out of the house every day is essential, but are you planning activities or just walking into town (in my situation the latter got extremely boring)

Prozac is a weird drug for PND, IMO. Sertraline, Citalopram or Flucanozole(really not sure on name/spelling of that one) are more appropriate.

Where are you? I had access to
a charity called Oxpip (Oxford based) which offered me counselling and support. there may be something similar in your area, but you will have to look for it. NHS counselling is rare, few, and tooo far between.

[BooKangaWonders]

What about Homestart? A vounteer will give you the suppport thats best for you, and on a regular basis.

You say your older one starts preschool soon. That will be a great help IMHO as the regular hours will structure your week. You might find a new group of friends who will help you get through this period.

Most of all, remember that it always gets easier as the dc get older.

[AussieSim]

I have 3 dc's 7, 5 and 2 and have struggled over the years to stay positive. Recently it occured to me that in the BC days I had goals and deadlines and celebrations etc at work, and now I feel like I am just treading water waiting for my youngest to grow up - AND I don't really want to wish that time away.

I do have a good group of GF's - none with kids as young as mine, but they make sure I get out with them to Book Club, movies, morning tea, nights out with our partners and walking - even helping me to push my buggy. I'd be bonkers without them - must remember to tell them that! I love being a mum more than I would ever have felt possible, but it is a world away from my corporate career where it was all about me.

To summarise - I recommend that you make time for you. Your DH needs to step up and let you out of the house to catch up with friends and you need to have date nights with your DH to keep you guys connected and have a laugh.

It does get easier when they start heading off to school and you make a whole new group of friends amongst the other parents.

[CantSupinate]

Lots of toddler groups!!

[Kathyjelly]

So sorry you're feeling bad Naturelover, I know it's a shock if you've always been a happy cheerful person.

Walking or any kind of exercise helped. My dp used to find me trampolining at 5 in the morning . Plus for me, an outlet for creativity. DS now has a spectacularly decorated bedroom with mural.

In the end though I went back to work. Much as I wanted to give my ds the best I could, I never came to terms with the isolation.

[lightwind]

Gosh this thread has made me feel 'normal' - phew.
I'm a SAHM - gave up work on becoming a first-time mum at 40, in order to enjoy my much longed for baby. I've a history of depression and OCD, which is why it took a long time to convince my DH that I would be capable of looking after a child.
DS is 2.4 now, and I find myself struggling from day to day. Don't get me wrong - my son is wonderful, so I feel really guilty about not feeling brilliant about being with him all the time. Its just he seems to need so much input- and I feel sooooooooo tired. I'm not used to feeling exhausted - which I have done ever since I got pregnant (had a tough pregnancy).
DH has a really demanding job, has to work late and weekends. He is brilliant with DS when he is around, but he leaves at 7 am comes home after 6 pm.
I try to go to places with other mums - Gymboree, soft play, playgruond etc, but most days I don't even have the energy to interact with other mums - the idea of making new friends is daunting.
Before motherhood I had a stimulating career and was training to be a dancer - although I do still go to classes, my body is not able to keep up and I feel totally inadequate.
Just thought I would add my moans to the list.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Aussie - I like what you say about your friends. I have a friend with whom I went to toddler groups etc - without her I wouldn't have had the confidence.At her wedding, I made a very emotional and heartfelt (drunken) speech to her, thanking her for her support and friendship during the early years.

And I have met lovely like-minded friends all along the way - especially other school mums

But the early bit can be hard because lots of people pretend everything is all tickety-boo and they are just loving every minute.

So - seek out people you can moan and laugh with!

[naturelover]

I appreciate all your answers - thank you. It's always good to know I'm not the only one who finds it hard, even though I know that already.

The nearly one-year old is actually easy peasy, his older sister is more demanding and because I'm still feeding baby in the night, I'm so damned tired all the time! No libido so DH feels neglected too.

I know deep down that I need 2 things: time "off" and exercise - and probably some counselling. But it's hard to insist on time off when only DH can take the kids and his job is v demanding and it cuts into our family time if I go off to have time alone.

I have an appt soon with a counsellor so I'll see if that helps. It's strange how being home with kids and doing repetitive tasks (feels like Groundhog Day sometimes) can erode my confidence. I used to have a brain!

Thanks again everyone

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Please consider the fact that your DH needs to understand that you won't be likely to have much libido, even without the tiredness, if you don't feel adequately supported. Yes, he has a demanding job, but it isn't 24/7

I don't want to say he's unreasonable, but I think you should remember that you have got rights and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting time to yourself - even if he has a hard job, he can make a cup of tea when he wants, drink it in peace, and go to the toilet on his own!

[BuzzingNoise]

Citalopram.

And then going back to work.