When you were a child, did you have a sick parent, and how did it affect you?

[maktaitai]

I'd be really interested to hear any experiences.

DH is ill a lot. This is the main reason we only have one child, a decision I regret more and more but we're not going to change that. He's in a bad way this week and today, because I'm going to work, kind friends have had ds for a sleepover and morning, and another is going to have ds to play for the afternoon. We are so lucky that ds has such great friends, and he always seems happy to be playing elsewhere. But I worry that we send him off so much to other houses, and I also worry about him seeing dh so ill - when things are bad, dh can be irritable, shouty, over-intense, sobbing or just unable to do anything but go to bed. DS is 6 now and I wonder what he understands and feels about it. I don't know how much to talk to him about it. Any thoughts would be very welcome.

[maktaitai]

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[maktaitai]

one more bump

[bethylou]

I'm sorry I can't answer but there must be people who can so thought I'd bump for you. Hope you get some responses soon.

[belledechocolatefluffybunny]

My mother was ill alot, she was in and out of hospital with one thing or the other, she also spent time in a mental hospital. I found it quite stressful to be honest, as if I needed to look after her, I still do. My father didn't talk to us about what was going on, I think this would have really helped. Children are more resiliant then we think, I just wanted to be told the truth rather then having to pick up bits of information from other relatives.

I'd tell your son that sometimes your husband feels ill, this makes him bad tempered but it doesn't mean that he's not loved. Boys tend to want to feel helpful so he'd probably appreciate doing something to help.

Hope this helps.

[nickschick]

When I was almost 11 my mum was diagnosed with ovarian/cervical cancer prior to that shed spent a lot of time with agonising back pain,headaches stomach aches etc in fact to be honest she was never 'well' for as long as I can remember,I didnt realise at the time -kids just seem to think that what goes on in their home is the 'norm',my mum was literally so exhausted that she couldnt even wake in the night to see to her baby and I used to do it for her.

As she became poorlier I do have sad memories of coming down late at night to a houseful of medics -seeing a familiar blue flash and knowing she was going back.

but

As an adult ive taken precautions to be sure i have a healthier life than she had,that I tell people that I love that I love them as much as possible,and really to live for the day.

Im perhaps a bit loathe to go to the Gp and I do worry a bit about my own health.

As ive sai before on mumsnet I had some lovely ladies who took care of me beyond the call of duty and for that I will be eternally grateful.

[NickOfTime]

my mum had a series of strokes when i was primary-age, so not sick exactly, but hospital stays and rehab. i grew up being told that whatever happened, i wasn't to upset my mother or get her worried or stressed...

i've only very recently realised that this has meant i pretty much feel unable to discuss problems with anyone, and feel i have to deal with everything and sort it out myself... pressure cooker sort of situation!

i wasn't affected at all by the hospital/ actual problems - got used to helping out etc, it was normal. i think kids take this very much in their stride. (my eldest was quite small when dh got blown up and needed brain surgery - it was touch and go for a while and he looked very frightening - staples all over his shaven head etc. this was 8 years ago and dd1 is and was fine with it.

i think it's important to be honest though?

[Littlefish]

My mum was ill from when I was 7, until I was about 30.

She spent quite a lot of time in psychiatric hospitals.

We spent about a year, spending at least 3 nights a week away from home with various friends of my parents.

I absolutely hated it. I know these people meant well, and were doing a huge favour for my dad who was struggling to cope with three children under 10, and a wife in a psychiatric hospital. However, no-one ever asked us what we wanted.

Decisions were made for us, without talking to us about them. We knew nothing about our mum's illness, other than what we saw.

I think it's so important to be honest with your ds and make sure that he knows he is loved, and that none of it is his fault. I know that sounds strange, but I was convinced that my mum had gone away because I hadn't tidied my bedroom .

[maktaitai]

Thank you all so much for your posts. Littlefish, I think what you're describing is exactly what I'm afraid of for ds. I think it's very easy for children to link illness to their own behaviour, especially when it involves heightened irritability.

What happened at the end of the year? Did you say that you'd rather stay at home? (BTW noone has to answer my questions! - I'm really grateful for all info.)

[Littlefish]

At the end of the year, mum was discharged from hospital and our overnight stays with the friends ended.

No, I never said that I'd rather stay at home. We really just didn't have a voice, and just accepted what was happening. This was 30 years ago when it started and I think that children were viewed slightly differently then. I know that my parents were trying to protect us by not telling us anything, but actually, it just made things worse.

I think you need to keep talking to your ds and stressing that his daddy is ill, and that the illness makes him sad/angry/worried etc. Just keep reassuring him that it is nothing to do with his behaviour, that that daddy has a group of people (doctors etc.) who are trying to help him. I think your ds needs to know that there are people who support his dad, and that he doesn't need to feel responsible for him, and that ds doesn't need to try and make things better.

How does your ds feel about going on the sleepovers and playdates? Are they people that he would choose to spend time with? I know that I would have preferred to spend time at home, even when my mum was very ill.

[Tattyhead78]

I don't know what the nature of your DH's illness is and how long it has gone on for, so I guess what I have to say may not be 100% relevant. I have a book that my mum bought for me when I was 6 inscribed: "To Dear Tattyhead78, on our long-awaited trip to Big City". My mum was ill with some form of arthritis which came on very suddenly and which lasted for what seemed (to me) like ages. I think it was really bad for maybe six weeks, when my dad had to do everything and she literally couldn't move, but she wasn't herself for about a year (she stopped work) and I had to accompany her on many trips to doctors etc. (presumably this was during the school holidays). I think the main thing that I missed were all the fun things we used to do together (hence the book) because I guess she didn't have the energy to do anything that was more than essential and sometimes it was just literally impossible for her to walk or chop up food. I don't remember her being grumpy, but this was probably also a time when I spent quite a bit of time with my grandparents, so maybe I didn't notice as much this aspect. I do know my mum's dad had a similar problem which made him very grumpy / angry, as pain / strong painkillers can do, but I don't think any of these things have had long-term ill effects on anyone in our family. If anything, for my part, it has made me appreciate the good times more and I will always remember that special trip up to town. I don't know whether this is possible, but if your DH can take some time when he is having a good day to have some really special times with your DS, that could make all the difference for your DS. Fortunately my mum has had the benefit of advances in medication over the years, but now I still hold that trip up to town as a treasured memory. I hope this helps and sorry if it is not too relevant to your particular situiation.

[maktaitai]

My ds is a big fan of sleepovers and playdates - he arranged his own first sleepover aged 4, and, given the choice, mostly chooses to go to other people's houses rather than stay at home. Not always though. He certainly does this a lot when his dad is well too and all the people he has been going to are classmates- it is a very sociable class and they are in and out of each other's houses fairly constantly.

But I think your advice about talking to him regularly about it is good - we do do it, but I think that adults believe they talk much more, and in much more detail, to children about sensitive things than the children believe they have! Especially at this age when he is not going to grasp all of it straight away.

[heebies]

Not sure how relevant this will be to you but this was my experience. My mum had various health problems as a child back in the 70's, she struggled with general housekeeping due to arthritis but as she didn't work she was always around for us. Then very unexpectedly, due to a sudden acute illness, she died at home and my sibling and I found her on our return from school, I was 9. From then on it felt as though she had not existed, we were sent to school the following day and were excluded from the funeral. No-body talked to us about anything, I suppose they just did not know how to handle it. Relatives would stop talking if I entered a room, that sort of thing. I didn't even know why she had died until as an adult, I saw her death certificate! No-one explained and I didn't feel I could ask. I suppose what this tells you that you must keep talking to your ds, explain everything, kids can cope if given the chance. hth

[MindySimmons]

My mum was bed ridden from almost after my birth to the age of 7 then on and off from then. I have no memories of her before about 7 as she really didn't feature in my life. (her problems were both physical and psychological). I have 3 older sisters but the age gap is quite big so they didn't really explain to me either. What I feel looking back more than anything else is a little time with my mum, just reading a story or knowing she cared would have really helped. I know how tough this can be when you are very ill but even 5 minutes contact makes the world of difference. I also agree entirely with all the other posts on being kept informed (using appropriate language and terminology for the age).

Just this weekend, we were away my FIL and he had a heart attack, fortunately my dd didn,t see it but did see the ambulance people going in and out and FIL out on a stretcher. But whilst he was being treated, I told her that he had a poorly chest, what did she think the doctors would do to check his chest (just like we do at home with her doctors kit), what happens at hospital, special medicine and rest to make him strong etc. She's dealing with it really well because we answer any questions she has honestly but at a level she can relate to. Obviously it's early days but I lost my Dad 6 mths ago and we dealt with it in very much the same way and she's been amazing.

Isolation is the worst thing when you are a child, if you can avoid that you will be doing a great job for your ds

[wahwah]

Can your dh talk honestly to your son? I am pretty ill at the moment and I find that Ds really gets the grumpy /tired thing ( he's 4) and it also underlines that it's ME who is behaving in the wrong way, not him.

[LauraKB]

I agree with everyone else, kids are much more matter of fact than adults when given information so if you explain what is happening then he will probably just take it in his stride.

My Dad has various illnesses some of which have caused to have a very pronounced hunch in his spine. Over the years we have known a number of children (neighbours, relations friends etc) and they have all just taken it in their stride, they have just accepted that's the way he is. The most probing question we have had is 'What's wrong with him?/'Why does he look like that?' (Can't remember exactly which) to which we answered 'He has a sore back', and the reply was 'Ok then' then we went back to whatever we were doing and they didn't need anymore explanation.

One thing I would say (and it sounds like you are doing this already) is let him be a child, try not to expecting him to grow up too quickly. I feel that for various reasons I was expected to be a mini adult from when I was very young and that also for various reasons (not exclusively my Dad's illness but that was a factor) time wasn't necessarily taken to do child-like activities with me. I understand the reasons for this now and couldn't be closer with my parents my Mum is down stair right now watch my 6.5 month old DD as I was struck down with a yucky tummy bug in the night!) but that part of it was kind of hard for me as a child.

I think someone else said that when your DH is well if you make the effort to do activities and spend time with you DS then I think you will all reap the rewards.

Good luck, keep up the good work, but also take support for yourself when you need it, x.

[madhairday]

I think it can be good for dc to see you being real.
I am chronically ill and often bedridden, in hospital etc. I get grumpy with the dc and tell them I'm sorry for it. We've learned to laugh at it all a bit - grumpy mummy etc. They see me being real about it, not trying to hide it. I get sad and frustrated beyond belief that I sometimes don't have the energy to do the smallest thing with them, but I've learned to look at it in perspective - they don't want a fit and healthy but different mum, they want me, and know they are loved. Cuddles can always be given, however awful things are, and words of love.
I reckon it's made them into more compassionate people. I can see them thinking of others, caring, being thoughtful, because of what their home life is sometimes like. I have to look at the positives, and they are always to be found. So don't beat yourself up - be real, explain stuff, be a team as a family. You'll be OK.