I'd be really grateful if anyone's got any advice on how to deal with DD (9) and her friend.

[AgentZigzag]

DD1 (9) has a girl she's been best mates with for ages, they have tea at each others houses, stay over the night etc. But for the last two weeks the girl has started to be really nasty to DD.

DD has racked her brains, but can't think of anything she's done that's sparked it all off, she's asked the girl but she just puts her fingers in her ears and wont listen.

I'm a bit reluctant to get involved, the girl is really really nice normally, kind and thoughtful, doesn't take things to heart, so for her to start behaving like this is unusual.

She's trying to get other children not to play with DD, lying and telling them DD has hurt her by stamping on her feet (which DD says she hadn't), when DD said 'OK then lets not play together' the girl followed her around saying nasty things to her and about her to other children.

I know it all sounds very playground! Well, they are only 9 but it's just going on and on. The girl rang DD the night before last to say she was sorry and could they be friends which DD was happy about, but the next day it was just the same.

I'm not sure what else to suggest to her. I've said for her to be nice to the girl whatever she does/says, because she has been a good friend to her, and it's progressed to me saying ignore her, which is hard for her to do when the girl is following her around. The Mum is lovely, but like I said, I'm a bit reluctant to get any more involved than just advising DD.

I know I'm only getting half the story, but any advice would be gratefully received

[MojoLost]

It sounds like she is starting to bully your DD. Do you know the girl's parents? Maybe you could talk to them?

[amothersplaceisinthewrong]

If this is happening at school I would mention it to her teacher.

[AgentZigzag]

I did wonder where the bullying line should be drawn mojo, and I don't like it when typical childish behaviour is labelled as bullying.

But because it's going on intesely for so long, I did think it was maybe turning into it.

I could ask the girls Mum, but would that not ratchet it up a level? The Mum must know, because the girl rang DD from her mobile, she's probably saying the same things I am

[AgentZigzag]

The teachers know something's going on because both girls go and 'tell' on each other, like they do!

I want to give them time to sort it out themselves really, perhaps a time limit might be a good idea? Like saying if it's not resolved by next Tues/Wed then I'll go in and speak to the teacher. But that would mean DD has to still go into school with it all going on.

[didgeridoo]

I would mention it to the teacher. I would also advise dd to find other friends & try not to be alone with this girl, then it will be more difficult for her to tell lies about your dd. The important thing is for your dd to stay strong & not give this other girl any ammunition IYSWIM. Ignore the other girl as much as possible or laugh things off but try not to show that it's getting to her.

I would also cool things out of school & try to widen your dd's social circle. We've had similar problems to this but things have improved considerably lately. It's taken a long time but my dd is definitely in control now. I told her the reason these things were happening was down to the other girl being jealous of her (which I think is usually at the bottom of these things)and also gave her suggestions as to what to say & do when the other girl was causing trouble, which didn't always mean being nice. I never encouraged her to be rude, just to stand up for herself & be firm.
Seems to have worked for us & I really hope this helps you & your dd, too.

[AgentZigzag]

Thanks for that didgeridoo, I've always tried to teach her to be assertive rather than passive or aggressive.

She always tries to play with other girls, which her friend didn't like to start with, maybe that has something to do with it?

To be honest, I'm a bit worried about the girl because it's been so sudden and so out of character, I wondered whether there was something else that was bothering her and she's just taking it out on DD.

[didgeridoo]

That's highly possible Zigzag but I think the same rules still apply. If you take it lying down now it just paves the way for more of the same in the future. Set your stall out now & don't take any crap!

[jellybeans]

We had exactly this with 10 year old DD. It became bullying and some mutual friends turned against DD aswell as malicious texts etc. The school did try to sort it out but I advised DD (and she wanted to) to play with other kids, it was abit worse initially but blew over and DD is much happier with 'nicer friends'.

This girl said she was having trouble at home but my DD went through hard things including the stillbirth of her 2 sisters and was never mean or bullying so it is no excuse. I also suspected that she was abit jealous of DD or lacking in confidence so she tried to make DD feel bad too.

This girl always seemed really nice too and polite etc, i was thrilled DD seemed to have a nice friend but when asking DD abit more, it seemed she had always been abit 'mean' to DD over the friendship but DD was just 'too nice' and thought it was OK as they were friends.

Anyway hope things sort themselves out but sometimes some people just clash and if it has become bullying then it needs to be stopped.

[Jux]

DD, now 10, had this with a friend of hers. I just wandered into the classroom at end of school and said to her teacher "What on earth do you think is going on between dd and x?". Teacher immediately empathised with me and we talked for ages about it and how to sort it, but incredibly informally. We got stuff worked out between us and she got stuff worked out with the other girl's parents and it was OK.