haven't seen my children for 4 years

[Yvonne40]

i haven't seen or spoken to my 2 children for 4 years, their father has poisoned their minds against me, they are 14 and 16 years old and i try to contact them but they always reject me, this is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with, is there any other Mothers going through this and how do you cope?

[bumpsoon]

i think we need a back story here yvonne . Have you spoken to the father ? if i were you i would suggest writing a letter to them , just a general chatty ,this is what i am doing ,what are you doing type thing ,no im missing you dreadfully ,your father has poisoned you against me etc ,keep it neutral . Keep doing it and keep it neutral until they feel ready to contact you .

[dolphin13]

Hi Yvonne, my daughter left home at 15 and went to live with her father. He did everything he could to turn her against me and I didn't see her for a year.
It was so hard. She is 21 now and she came home 4 years ago. She still has a relationship with my ex but can see him for the knob he is. Hopefully when yours mature they will do the same. Just make sure they always know you are there if they need you. It is so hard but look after yourself and stay positive.

[Yvonne40]

i have tried sending birthday and xmas cards via the school, message via my parents, my last attempt was via a facebook message telling them that i love them and miss them and they are always in mty herat and thought and would love to hera from them but they phoned my mum and asked me not to do it again, although my mum did say she got the impression that my ex was standing over them to make sure.

My ex was very abusive to me for a long time which he has since told my ds's that it was me to blame which i can honsetly assure was not the case at all, my ex seems to be using them to hurt me, which he's doing, my eldest is 16 and i live in hope that he will soon realise that what he;s being told isn't true, i find it so very hard when xmas, birthdays etc come around, my mum always tells them that i gave put money in their accounts for them and that i always ask about thema nd that i love them but she too has to be careful as my ex has threatened to stop her from seeing them if she mentions anything about me.

[Yvonne40]

i do try and stay poistive and my partner has been fantastic in supporting me, it was he who infact found this site and thought if i spoke to people who have or are experiencing the same thing it may help me.

i hope that my ds's do try and contact me once they are mature enough to understand that i've always loved and missed them and will be here waiting forever until they want to speak to me, after hearing that your daughter came back it does give me more hope , thank you

[mathanxiety]

Have you tried getting a solicitor and going the legal route to gaining at least visitation with your children or perhaps the right to some contact with them on a regular basis without the ex hovering around monitoring the conversations? I don't think one partner can really do this legally unless it's court-ordered and you have had your parental rights terminated by the courts.

[Yvonne40]

i already have a court order that says they should stay with me every other weekend but they are 14 and 16 yrs old and refuse to see me, as they are old enough to make their own decision i can's force them to, i think that would only make things worse at this stage. my 16 yr old is joining the Royal Marines in september so i'm hoping that i will be able to write to him without my ex being able to intercept my letters, which he does as i have written to them many times.

[Yvonne40]

i don't know, i've sent them both a message via facebook 2 weeks ago that was when my mum called me to say my 16yr old has ask me not to do it again, the problem i have is my ex is so bitter and twisted that all he cares about is hurting me and doesn't seem to worry about the damage this cause my ds's with the things he must me saying to them.

i've try contating them via their school which at first the teacher was ok about but she then called me to say that my ex had been to see her and became very irate so she didn't think it a good idea for me to do it again, if i send them letters my ex opens them and then throws them away so tehy never get them, my mum is too worried about my ex stopping her from seeing them which doesn't happen evry often as it is, so at the moment i just sit and wait.

i get very down at certains times of the year, which i then tend to take out on my partner which agains isn't fair on him, i try very hard to get on with my life but they are always in my thoughts

[Mancunian]

Oh I am so sorry you are going this, what a nightmare for you! I can only give you hope with my post. My mother poisoned us all against our father for a long time. When she left him she alluded to being abused by him, she made swear to secrecy about our address, she tried to stop us from visiting him. She succeeded for a while, but I started asking questions. The father I was hearing from didn't sound like the kind of father she told me about.

It has taken a long time, for you never know who to trust when you are being told 2 very different accounts, but I now have a lovely relationship with my father whilst my relationship with my mother has broken down.

I don't know what to advise you, but they are teenagers and the amount of control he is exerting over them will not last. Teenagers don't like being told who they can or cannot contact, nor do they like their facebook accounts being snooped upon.

Continue sending them messages any way you can. Reassure them that you love them and they are welcome at yours anytime. Don't mention their father, refuse to be drawn into battle. Just be there in your own quiet way and they will come to you.

[Cazbaby1]

There is a website that you could take a look at called MATCH (Mothers Apart from Their Children).
matchmothers.org

[Yvonne40]

the problem i have is even if i went back to court because the my ds's ages they make the final decision which at present is "no" due to my ex's influence over them.
i avoid my parent's home at xmas as my brothers and sister go there with their children which i don't need to be reminded that i'm not with mine.

My partner tries to understand but he's doesn't have any children so can only imagine what it's like for me. i'm hoping that when my ds's get older they like your dd will be willing to have some even if it's a very small amount, of contact with me.

you do give me hope that this could be possible, and i honestly thought i was the only mother who didn't see their children, i get very upset as most mothers look down on me as if there must be something wrong with me or i most have done something horrible to not be seeing my kids. My friends are very good so i'm lucky with that at least.

thank you for letting me know i'm not the only person who's been/ going through this.

[Yvonne40]

that you for the MATCH link i will defo go on there and have a look, it's so nice be able to talk to people who don't pass judgement without even knowing the reasons i thank you all so much for your positive responses they have been a massive help to me

[mathanxiety]

There is such a thing as alienation of affection, and the courts frown on it. Take a look at this. It's from the link that Cazbaby posted; click on 'links' when you open her linked site. Would Cafcass or Women's Aid be any use to you, do you think?

[Yvonne40]

i'm willing to try anything that will enable me to have contact with my children, i will be looking into everything you have all recommended and i don't care how long it takes me, thank you all so very much for your help and advice it's given me so much more hope that i had before today

[Magaly]

Keep writing to them, even if it's only on facebook.

They won't accept their father's version of events for ever. They will question things they thought they knew when they are a bit older.

Even if the messages are only on facebook for now, stay in touch. Ask how they are, and take your cue from their replies. Even if they don't reply, the occasional message on facebook to let them know that you miss them, love them, wish things were different can't do any HARM.

At 14 and 16 they probably haven't had any relationship angst. I think the first time they go through that, and realise that there are two sides - they will start to question what they once thought was 'fact'.

My x was abusive and the children are with me now, although I don't prevent him from seeing them, and I don't talk to the children about him. But he always tells me that 'when they are older they will know the truth!!'. He yells that at me menacingly. It's frightening, but I just have to hope that they will see through 'his' truth and decide that there are different truths, and they will decide upon their own truth.

Did they reply to your FB message?

[Magaly]

Mancunian, my x abused me emotionally, verbally, financially, physically and yet he is always affectionate to the children (when he sees them, which is on his terms and he doesnt' contribute) but the point I'm making is that you can't decide how your father treated your mother upon the evidence of how he treats YOU. it is different.

[Yvonne40]

no i didn't recieve a reply, they phoned my mum and asked her to tell me not to send any more message via FB.

i have never spoken badly of my ex, they have seen the abuse first hand sadly so i just hope that they will as you say realise the things they have been told are not true, i could never use the children as pawns and it hurts me to know that my ex is more than happy to do so just to hurt me, the only peopke that get danage and hurt are my children.

i will try agin to send them a small message via FB, even if i don't get a reply it helps to know the are at least getting them if nothing else.

[Magaly]

Well carry on regardless. How upsetting could it be to receive a message from your mother saying "i'm thinking of you and I hope that you're happy". or, "good luck in your exams" or whatever.

I'd say keep the messages light & friendly, one a fortnight, and keep them brief but loving. don't ask questions as that puts pressure on them to reply.

Maybe tell them a funny story here and there about you when you were there age. I bet that they will start to look in their in box for your messages.

There's no way on EARTH that you could be doing any harm . And when they emerge from the FOG of distorted truth, they won't be left with the question "why didn't mummy try to reach out to us?? which i think, could in the lONG term affect things worse than this separation.

[Mancunian]

Magaly - I appreciate what you are saying, but my mother was emotionally abusive to us all and went on to marry someone who was equally abusive. Whereas my father found happiness in the end with a lovely lady and it's obvious they are meant to be together.

We have had family conversations about what she told us and have pieced together, from different memories, that in the marriage she was the violent one, not him.

If those children are under his control they will find it very hard to break free. But they will so take heart. The school should not be intimidated by him.

[Yvonne40]

i am going to send them a message via FB and then each month a letter via post just like you have all suggested, they will then know that i'm still there in the back ground always and that i'm thinking of them and love them, thank you all for your fantastic ideas x

[Yvonne40]

i'm not sure how you sent up a blog but i've defo find out, i invited them as friends but they didn't accept on FB i don't know if that matters?

[TotalChaos]

something similar happened to a female friend of mine, she also found Families Need Fathers very helpful as well as Match. it took a few years for things to settle, but she has a good relationship with her kids again. good luck.