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My friend is just not coping with her 2 yo. How do I help her?

17 replies

OnnaStick · 06/05/2010 13:00

I know she is not coping because she tells me she feels completely overwhelmed and "scared" of him.

I can also see that she is miserable with the way things are going. She phones me in tears because he won't turn off the tv. She sometimes locks herself in the car.

She absolutely adores her little boy. She cries because she loves him so much and wishes she were "a better mum for him" (her words).

She is a fairly positive person, if a little moany. She is quite an emotional, impulsive person.

She genuinely believes that the problem is that her little boy is an exeptionally challenging child, and that she is just not up to the task of parenting him. The truth is that he is a very sweet little boy. No more of a PITA than the average 2yo, and a great deal easier than most I know. He is a normal little boy, fairly self contained, prone to the odd tantrum and battle of wills, a happy little thing.

She talks at length about how he is just astonishingly willful and she is powerless in the face of his iron will. She believes that my own children just do as I say all the time (ha ha ha).

Example: In a car park he ran off and she threw up her arms and said "You see? Look! He has no sense of danger, he just runs off! He ignores me calling him back!" like that was proof of 'what she has to deal with'. I told her to bloody well chase after him then (a rare unsympathetic moment) and she pointed out that it was okay for me, because my children wouldn't run off in a car park. Of course they would! You just have to hang on to them, and drone on and on about how to walk safely in a car park, and do it again tomorrow, and again the next day, and it's dull and repetetive but you can't not do it.

She says she lives for the days he goes to nursery. 6 months ago she was agonising over whether or not to send him because she would miss him too much, but she felt he was ready.

Depression?

She is recently pregnant. Antenatal depression? (She is petrified about how she will cope with 2).

Please don't say mean things about my friend. She is a good person and a very caring mum. I am worried about her.

If she goes to the doctor they will likely prescribe her something and offer no other services (we're not in UK). Would that help?

How do I help my friend?

She has no family nearby, but we are part of a lovely circle of friends who all pitch in to help each other out.

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Firawla · 06/05/2010 14:26

Have you got any surestart nearby? the staff can be really supportive, I often talk to people about my ds behaviour if something is challenging me whether sleep issues, behaviour or whatever just to get advice or to reassurance. Someone there was just telling me yesterday that you can book in appointment for the child psychologists to get advice on behaviour. Its not just for children who are a problem child or anything, but they will just give advice and tips to manage the behaviour according to their age and according to the individual child, so your friend may find that useful? You can just get a one off session.
Alternitively how about HV, if they are good in ur area because they do deal with postnatal or antenatal depression dont they? not so sure about those as i dont really use HV but it is a possibility..
Does she mix with alot of other mum and kids, so that she can see others have the same problems? it does help to see your child is not the only one and remind that the behaviour is normal for their age group. Even if she joins a forum like mums net and sees the other posts of people asking similar qs on how to manage toddler behaviour?
I think it will help if you do reassure her that you have the similar problems with yours, its typical for the age and that she seems to be doing okay with him and is not a bad parent. She does sound a bit depressed maybe that alters the perception so that everything seems worse..

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OnnaStick · 06/05/2010 15:30

Hi Firawla, thanks for replying.

Unfortunately we are outside UK and there is no Surestart, HVs.

She does mix with a lot of mums with children of similar age to hers. We all have terrible days from time to time and children who tantrum and play up, but she doesn't seem to see it. She is convinced that all of our children are angels and her son is a nightmare.

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DrSpechemin · 06/05/2010 15:34

If you are in BFGermany/Cypris there is Home-Start. Is that a possibility?

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waitingforbedtime · 06/05/2010 15:37

Alot of people are like this imo. People talk of their 'demanding' toddlers like there is a non demanding version that everyone else has got.

I honestly dont think there is much you can do until she realises he is NOT unusual. However, youre nto with him 100% are you so maybe he is outwith the usual realms of behaviour. Ds for example (probably) wouldnt run off in a car park but I wouldnt give him the chance tbh and also, he would do other naughty things which your friend's wee boy might not!

Antenatal depression is a terrible terrible thing. Do you really think she is suffering? If so then maybe a hobby could help to give her something to focus on? Try and reassure her it is hard but ok with 2 kids. Etc etc etc

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Firawla · 06/05/2010 15:41

oh sorry I missed the non uk bit..

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OnnaStick · 06/05/2010 17:04

Wfb - I honestly don't know. Sometimes I think she needs to step up and get on with it. She has a pretty easy time of it, and by her own admission is a bit spoiled.

Then I think that if she's finding it that hard then something ain't right. I don't understand why she finds things so hard (but that is not a judgement - you can't help how difficult you find things).

I don't know anything about depression.

I don't really know what to think. I wish she were happier. I want to help if I can.

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LoveBeingAHungParliament · 06/05/2010 17:28

How about a parenting book that talks about the different types like the baby whisperer toddler book? It basically answers this point and tries to get you to love the toddler you have and learn how to handle them, handle is the wrong word but ykwim

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Firawla · 06/05/2010 17:51

I was just came back to say the same idea as lovebeing.. how about toddler taming? because mine just came in the post today and was having a look, it is quite reassuring about toddler's behaviour and what to expect. Maybe the expectations are too high for his age group, leading to her feeling that she's failing with him when really she isnt?

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OnnaStick · 07/05/2010 10:03

She is keen on parenting books and flits from one to another. I don't think she sticks at anything long enough for it to 'work'.

She has had a lot of reassurance from all her friends that her son's behaviour is exasperating and infuriating and exhausting but normal. I have suggested that maybe her expectations of him are too high. We are very symnpathetic, but at a loss as to how to help as there isn't really a problem as such, other than my friend's unhappiness with her inability to cope.

Anyone else have any thoughts? I really don't know if this is just a 'get on with it' situation or if we need to do something. And I don't know what 'something' is. She is so stressed.

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semirurallife · 07/05/2010 16:43

I think you're on to something with regard to the expectations bit. her expectations all round sound a bit hopeful. It sounds like she has issues with relating to the reality of a toddler's udnerstanding of the world - who doens't? (I have a 2 yr old currently drawing on the walls...) and maybe of herself too if she doesn't realise that you have to take it easy on yourself. What's her other half like? what do you know about her background/family/ own mother etc? Maybe she needs support/ maybe counselling if its a more fundamental rebalance of her perceptions of things rthat's needed - good luch, you're clearly a good friend and she's lucky to have you

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WingedVictory · 07/05/2010 17:07

Throwing her arms up and not doing anything to restrain him is a cop out. Sorry, but my DS (2) runs around and runs off and does various things he ought not to, so I just have to keep holding onto him, running after him, taking him off the kitchen table, etc. It's repetition which eventually gets through. DS now holds my hand (most of the time) in the street, and it is a lot easier with him. Afternoon sleeps, because they are religiously repeated every day, are something he doesn't have a problem with now. Consistency and repetition.

The Baby Whisperer says about toddlers that you shouldn't put them in positions they can't handle. I know when I can't trust DS, so pick him up to cross roads, for example. Occasionally, he is "stretched" by meeting a situation he is bad in (can be bad about eating), but we are practicing.

In the meantime, she should get more sleep, arrange to meet up with other children who might be a good influence, take him out to the park as often as possible, to tire him out, eat at the same time as him... Sorry it sounds restrictive, but motherhood is extremely boring at times, and we just have to put up with that!

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WingedVictory · 07/05/2010 17:14

Sorry to have sounded so unsympathetic, but was trying to be practical.

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mumtotwoboys · 07/05/2010 18:00

OP it sounds as if you're talking about me!

Pregnancy is a really emotional and hard time.
I just had my baby and am amazed by how everything is actually going okay.
DS1 hasn't killed himself on any roads yet and hadn't actually attacked new baby.

She's obviously seeing things worse than they are, which means she needs a break or more sleep.
If you can take the child off her hands for a little while I think it would help massively.
It's not natural that us women should have to cope alone at such times.
Reckognise the desperate times and step in and say to her 'get outta here, go take a bath, have a nap, etc' I will look after him'
My sister did this for me during late pregnancy and after an hour or two I was so refreshed, began missing him and ready to come back and start again with a more positive attitude.
Don't worry about her becoming dependant on little respites, just try and help her right now during these hard times.

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mumtotwoboys · 07/05/2010 18:01

for god's sakes don't have her taken to get condemed with a 'depression' tag and drugged up.

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fustyarse · 07/05/2010 21:34

you are outside the uk - so are you both away from home/family?

I spent the fisrt 6 years of married life in Germany and America, and had 3 dcs in that time; I found it hard and often too much to bear. I was jealous of my frends at home who had help from their mums etc while I was stuck dealing with the trials of motherhood (often without dh for long periods of time too as he is military)

YOU think that her ds is 'easier' than other 2 year olds, and maybe he is, but if he's too much for her to handle that suggest that when she's on her own with him he is terribly difficult to manage.

My dd was (and still can be, often!) a complete nightmare - I often posted here in desperation because there were many many days that I just could not cope with her, but whenever I left her with dh or a babysitter she would behave beautifully and I knew they didn't believe me when I said she was extremely hard work. The turning point for us came when we came home, and we suddenly constantly had grannies and aunties and friends around - finally everyone saw what I'd been dealing with and I had masses of support and shoulders to lean on...

Your friend sounds anxious abou the impact the new baby is going to have on their family setup, and maybe once the new baby comes along she'll learn to lower her expectations a bit.

Meanwhile, have you pointed her in this direction? Posting here about her worries will help her realise that she is not alone...

You sound like a lovely caring friend; just keep reassuring her that this is a phase....

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toja555 · 11/05/2010 15:17

OP, it seems that that friend is me. I also have a 2yo DS and am recently pregnant And I find my DS is very challenging while some of my friends say ?he is just a normal kid as others?. Well, I think my one is not as easy as others, he screams, objects and fights on all possible occasions, but mostly at home, so nobody else knows. Your friend?s DS might be more challenging then you imaging, and there must be reason for her to feel that way.
As a friend, try to focus on her mental condition. She should either seek for mental help, or learn some relaxation ways, or be given a chance to get out on her own sometimes. As a friend, try to ensure that she gets these possibilities as much as it is in your hands.
I am terrified of having DC2, but I think that nothing can be worse than it was with DS1, so there is nothing to be afraid of?

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WingedVictory · 14/05/2010 11:43

Following your post, toja555, perhaps being in company more would help as well. It's not quite so overwhelming with others around, and the rambunctious one (I have one, too!) gets to see calmer behaviour modelled.

Having said that, the situation has to be right. I did say that my 2yo was a handful, and to prove it, I will admit that my advice of seeking company can backfire, especially if DS is in a shoving mood. Even if he's not, it can be gutting and a bit humiliating to be with other children the same age who sit nicely on a picnic blanket, letting their mummies chat, while Action Man runs off in all directions at one, octopus-like! I missed the company, but had to accept that that is the way things are for us, and decided to make sure I did run DS about a bit before any sitting... or just declined the sitting down nicely (with great regret!).

You're not the only people who have this sort of trouble. I also try to remind myself that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease": if my child sat like a lump and behaved beautifully, it would be tempting to ignore him. And even though I as a mother would not like to do that, that temptation would be experienced by nursery staff and schoolteachers as well. That would be an awful shame for the child, I think.

I hope this helps a bit, even if only to know you are not alone.

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