Dd2 is often lovely, funny, affectionate, sweet. But often she is very very destructive (tearing pages out of books, destroying dd1's toys), defiant (doing things deliberately and in open view that she knows she shouldn't do) and violent (she pinches, bites, hits dd1 and sometimes pulls out whole fistfuls of hair). Dd1 has never once been aggressive towards dd2, but dd2 is extremely jealous, always worried about not getting her turn or her share. It's driving me crazy and making me sad and I feel so sorry for dd1 who bears the brunt of it all. How can I stop her? I try to use the naughty step, but she doesn't care at all. Today she destroyed dd1's alice band, then she bit her finger, I put her on the naughty step twice and made it very clear that I was very, very angry and unhappy. Then it was time to get her dressed, and what did she say, with a big smile? "Me happy girl!"
She is very articulate and understands everything, so why doesn't it get through to her?
Seen as the naughty step doesnt seem to be having much of an impact, you could try star/sticker charts (add for good behaviour, take away for bad). Then, depending on the outcome at the end of the day/week/whatever works best for you, a reward or a toy taken away. Sounds brutal, but it sounds as though you might have to be til she understands that her behaviour in unacceptable.
If she's worried about not getting her turn or share, maybe you could use it to your advantage?
"You've been naughty and mummy's cross with you so you DON'T get x. Only good girls get x" kind of thing?
Don't have advice but I will be watching this thread with attention... DS is going through the same... Have treid the stickers but now has started throwing hour long tantrums if he doesn't get the stickers as often as he wishes (immediatly)
My advice would be each and every time she is violent towards DD1, then she gets a severe telling off "no, you do not pinch/bite/hit, it hurts" and then I would persevere with giving her time outs and getting her to apologise to her sister for whatever she has done.
Equally whilst you jump on her for her bad behaviour then you big her up for everything good she does. If she finds taking turns hard, then play the game as well and take turns too.