I want another baby - My husband doesn't

[RachelDowning]

Dear All
All advice gratefully received
Our son is 1 1/2.
I have wanted another child since Jack was two weeks old.
My husband & I both agreed that we both wanted two children.
But as a diabetic, I had a very difficult pregnancy and nearly died.

My husband says that he is not sure that he could go through it again, he couldn't bear to lose me.
Bless him - he is such a diamond.
I respect how he feels but it doesn't help that my desire for a second child is so strong.

The thought of not having a second child kills me.
My desire seems to come in 'waves' - my last 'wave' lasted from beg feb 05- end mar 05 !!!!
Sometimes I can't think about anything else.
Sometimes I am angry about it, sometimes I just can't stop thinking about it.
I often cry about it.

Eventually, I admitted my feelings to my post-natal mums and to all our surprsie - ( I talked to about 15 all in all) we all felt EXACTLY the same way.

My mum suggested that a hormonal desire,for another child, was very strong and that lots of people underestimated it or couldn't understand why they felt the way they felt.

As post natal mums, we spoke to our health visitor, and she agreed with my mum, saying hormones were often VERY STRONG.
She said that it didn't affect all people, but it was the reason behind alot of peoples feelings, and if most people accepted that, that helped them to understand how they were feeling.

I accept that alot of what I feel is hormonal, which explains why I want a second child so badly.
But it doesn't really help.
The thought of my husband never coming round to the idea, makes me even more sad.

What do I do ?

[Charlee]

I had a scary pg to Rachel, i nearly died through numerous blood clots on my lungs due to being preganant and i know that its scares the hello ut of dp, me wanting another, i think the best thing for you to do if thats the only reason hes against it, is to both go to the g.p and havea chat about extra care you could be given if you were to fall preg again, this is what i did and dp is now happy and were trying for another.

I can totally understand how he ffels as when i was going through it i was more concerned about getting to the end and having ds safe and healthy, but dp was the one talking to the drs and kowing how close i was to dying so it was a scary prospect for him.

[Toothache]

RachelDowning - Most of our emotions are hormonal! Which means they are very real and very powerful. Being in love is hormonal!

What are the odds of you having such a difficult pregnancy the 2nd time? Have you spoken to a GP about it? Perhaps you and your DH should make an appointment to speak to someone about the risks of another pregnancy, then hopefully (depending on what they say) your DH will come round a bit?

There are so many MN'ers at the moment who are painfully/unbearably broody but for various reasons cannot go ahead with another (me included).

[throckenholt]

can you talk to your diabetes specialist and talk through the issues of pregnancy - would you likely have the same problems a second time ? Is so then I am inclined to agree with your DH - not worth risking you for another baby - your DH would lose a wife and your DS would lose his mother.

[Mum2girls]

Can you get some medical advice that might help. I mean if your dh was to hear that the likelihood of it happening again was slim, or that some treatment not available last time, could be deployed this time, maybe he would change his mind.

I think you need to get a medical evaluation.

[RachelDowning]

Thank you everyone.
Such common sense.
My diabetes was so good until I fell pregnant.
During pregnancy and since giving birth, it was so awful.
I have now been put on a insulin pump and things are getting a tiny bit better.
I know that it might be easier to persuade my husband , once we have had a longer sprell of stability.
But my consulyant told my husband that their was no explanation as to why my control was so bad during my pregnancy and could make no guarantees about about any furture pregnancies.
When that was said, I felt really sad, because my husband, felt his misgivings were justified - which of course they were !
Oh that sounds so silly of me - I wish I didn't feel as strongly as I do !!!!

[RachelDowning]

Dear Toothache
I know there are others who are unable to conceive for the second time, or even worse unable to conceive for the first time.
Their reasons are more serious that mine.
I know I am selfish and should appreciate more my lovely son and even better, my loving husband.
Will you be able to resolve your reasons ?

[Toothache]

Oh Rachel, no you misunderstood! My reasons for not having another are FAAAAAAR more trivial than your more than valid concern! Mine is more a financial reason. I didn't want to post that as it is so trivial and materialistic compared to what you are going through.

I can TOTALLY understand your deep longing for another baby, which must be made all the stronger due to the limitations you have (as in your health and your DH).

I've never been in your situation (thankfully).

What do you think you will do now then?

[CountessDracula]

Rachel I sympathise with you - I had a very easy pregnancy but an horrendous post partum haemmorage (hence my mumsnet name!) and nearly died.

We vascillate between wanting another and not wanting that to happen again. Unfortunately I don't think it is necessarily clear cut, you just have to weigh up the odds and make your decision.

I have the added issue that I am nearly 39 and it took us 3 years to conceive our first (now nearly three), so far nothing has happened

I wish you every luck resolving this

[WigWamBam]

It sounds as if it's not the fact that your dh doesn't want another baby so much as the fact he is scared he will lose you. If your GP would be prepared make you an appointment for you to discuss this with an obstetrician who specialises in high-risk pregnancies, would your dh go? If he can see that his worst fears aren't likely to happen, and that you would be looked after throughout the pregnancy to ensure that the outcome is as positive as possible, perhaps he would be more prepared to consider another baby.

[Distel]

My mum thinks I was absolutely nuts when I had my second child. With my 1st pregnancy, I had a rash all over my body that I just couldn't stop scratching, low blood pressure - so I kept fainting everywhere, I develpoed pre-eclampsia at 36 weeks and was induced and had a week long on/off labour and then after the delivery my iron levels went so low I nearly had to have a blood transfusion. Apparently I nearly died.

When we decided to have no2 she did all she could to talk us out of it but, we carried on and had a reasonably normal pregnancy except for the rash which I found out was an allergy to the hormone that you produce when you are pregnant. After I had my daughter I haemmoraged and (apparently) could have died again.

I had number 3 14 months ago and had no problems atall. Ihave since found out that she worried herself sick all through the pregnancy, and was convinced that we were crazy. Looking back, we did take risks that maybe we shouldn't but here we all are, healthy and happy.

Sorry I can't really give you advice but I wanted to share my story with you, pregnancy is always a risk, even if you don't realise it. I think that your husband sounds lovely and maybe in time he will come round to your way of thinking.

Take care and soory that this has been so long x x x.

[RachelDowning]

Toothache - There is always someone with more serious reasons than ours. Each as important to the person. I don't think yours is any less trivial that mine. What will I do ? I really don't know.

Countess - bless, you, yours was closer and more serious than mine. I know I have to weigh it up. And that's what I can't quite accept / deal with....

Which leads me on to Distel - thank you. That is my other problem. My mum, who I have a very close & loving relationship with, told me, only once I forced it out of her, that she thinks that a second baby is a very bad idea. She thinks that it would break my marraige. I do work 3 days a week. Diabetics generally need ALOT of sleep, which I don't get. She understands that I want it badly. She thinks my husband is great. But she knows that I struggle, as it is, and a 2nd would break me.

The trouble is I think she might be right. But I don't want to accept that. And my desire is so strong, when I think about what she said, it makes me cry even more.
How can I persuade my husband, if I dred that my mum is right.

And finally WAMBAM - cheers to you aswell. I was referred to the high risk diabetic specialist before, for my 1st pregnancy. I had 3 or 4 hypos per day. Went hypo on the M25 and crashed my car. Had hypos at night where I screamed at the top of my voice for 45 minutes at a time. This went on for 6 mths of my pregncy. It's no one wonder my husband worries. I have asked two specialist consultants, neither could give any guarantees or reasons as to why it was the way it was, before.

[Toothache]

Rachel - I suffered PND after ds was born and more or less fell apart for 18mths. But when dd came along I luckily didn't fall foul of it again and actually felt that having 2 wasn't any harder! WHat I mean is.... I could hardly cope with ds, but when I had 2 everything fell into place and things were MUCH easier.... I was more relaxed/experienced. It really wasn't like doubling up on the work/stress.... it really wasn't!

Why do you think a 2nd would break you?

[Toothache]

What it really boils down to..... is what you feel is right. Once you and your DH weigh up all the risks (and there are risks in any pregnancy) then you have to make a decision that you can both live with.

If your DH is SO adamant that he wants no more kids is he going to get the snip? I bet the answer is No.... so he can't really be ruling out another now can he?

[RachelDowning]

Oh Toothache
I have changed as a person - not that I blaming it on my son or hormones or anything.
I don't seem to be able to cope with as much as I used to.
I am not depressed.
But sometimes, my son, who generally is a little diamond & no trouble - sometimes he runs me ragged and I don't want to be a mum anymore.
Sometimes I don't want to feed him.
Sometimes I just want to go on holiday for a couple of weeks on my own !!!!!
I know that everyone feels a bit.... like this from time to time.
Maybe I should just shut up and not tell my mum & husband that I feel like this.
Then they might think I cope o.k. !!!!

[RachelDowning]

Toothache
I am so pleased to hear someone say that having two is not neccessarily double the trouble.
When you say' fell into place', what do you mean.
I think my mum thinks that having a baby and a toddler running around, getting into everything would be too much.
I haev already hired an ironing lady... and I am VERY embarrasssed to admit that.
Doesn't bode well, does it.

[Toothache]

Hey RD - Re ironing lady! I'm about to start anew fulltime job.... and will most definitely be hiring an ironing lady... and a Cleaner if I can afford one!!! No shame in that at all!!!

With ds I felt panicky a lot of the time, thought I wasn't good enough to be his Mum, cried alot and was generally miserable (understatement!). When dd came along I ds was a bit older (3) and I had almost fully recovered from PND. She just slotted in nicely and I couldn't believe how much I ENJOYED spending time with the 2 of them! When ds was a baby I couldn't wait for DH to get home from work so I could just get away from ds . But I just LOVE seeing them together. I am so glad I'm not depressed anymore. I feel like I can cope and that makes me happy.

No matter how much I can cope.... even if I was SUPER MUM.... I'd still want an ironing lady.

[saadia]

Rachel I'm sorry I don't really have any good advice and can't really relate to your feelings but if the doctors feel that having another baby would be risky would you and your dh consider adopting?

I am very cautious by nature and always expect the worst, so if I was in a similar position I think my main concern would be that Jack grew up with his mother.

But as others have said, the best thing is to get medical advice and then you and dh can discuss it with more knowledge.

[Distel]

I will agree with Tothache that 2 is not twice the trouble as one. To be honest, it is hard work while the second is a baby but when they are up and walking they are company for each other and play with each other rather than you playing constantly with one. I had my 3 quite close together, they are now almost 6, 3 and 1 and they are good most of the time - some days I do think I must have been crazy to have 3, but they are few and far between.

[CountessDracula]

Rachel if it's any consolation, everyone I know who has had a baby feels the same way as you re not being able to cope with as much as before and changing as a person!

[expatinscotland]

No offense to other posters, but your health issues run a bit deeper than the normal amount of tiredness a person gets whilst pregnant and/or even having PND - which I had quite severely myself after DD was born.

Any chance of a consult w/a specialist, with your husband present, to discuss possible second pregnancy.

Of course you want another child, but speaking w/a specialist - or even more than one - can go a long way to easing your mindset, b/c of course you want to minimise potential long-term health effects that may effect not just you but your husband and son as well.

[chicagomum]

sorry to hear your situation, when i read the title of this thread i was going to respond as (i thought) i was in the same position as you, but my dh doesn't want another one simply as we have 2 and he thinks that's enough, (but i want a 3rd) so we're in a stalemate situation, no idea how to resolve it. i agree with saadi about considering the adoption route after discussing with the medical profession about the risks etc of trying a second pregnancy

[Distel]

Hadn't thought of adoption - excelent idea for a compramise, however, Idon't think that there are many babies to adopt, it is generally older children they have problems placing, too many people want to adopt babies.

But could be a good solution.

[Toothache]

Expat - I know her health issues are much greater than PND, but she had moved onto her Mums concerns about whether she could cope mentally with another baby as well as the health issues. Thats how the subject of PND arose.... is all. So no offence taken!

[expatinscotland]

What about foreign adoption? I know of many couples who have adopted a newborn baby girl from China. The mum has an ultrasound, finds out it's a girl, and makes her available for adoption before she's even born.

I'd LOVE to have a daughter from there! I read this heartbreaking article about how these girls are literally sold for £28/bag and it broke my heart.

I think of what a good big sis DD will be.

What a great idea, Distel! A wonderful way to bring a new addition to the family.