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Grandparents -v- Nursery?

(18 Posts)
mandymoo Sun 31-Jul-05 14:58:58

I work part time - 2 days one week and 3 days the next. DH is a teacher so for next 6 weeks i wont have a problem BUT what do i do come Sept? My mum was gonna have her 1 day, mil have her the next and then on 3rd day nursery. However, dd is an only child at present and my mum doesnt drive so cant take her anywhere. Whilst its nice for dd to have that one to one attention, i cant help but feel she's getting to an age where she just needs more stimulation (she will be 3 in dec). Also my mum, despite my constant pleas not to, spoils dd rotten to the point where she gets everything she wants. It winds me up. MIL has a business so she will only have DD when i work 3 days. But i'm wondering whether it will be better for DD if she has an extra day at nursery? I know its extra expense but if my mum wont listen to me then i really feel i have no choice. Am i being too hard on my mum?? Does DD need to be with children all the time?? HELP!!!!

QueenOfQuotes Sun 31-Jul-05 15:02:26

I'd stick with your mum - didn't you read the 'contract' when you became a mother - grandparents have exclusive rights to spoil their grandchildren .

I'm presuming that your MIL doesn't spoil her as much, and she wouldn't get spoiled the 3 days at nursery, so she'll learn pretty quickly that just because Granny1 lets her do x, y and z doesn't mean that everyone else will too.

mandymoo Sun 31-Jul-05 15:04:43

lol qqq - i know its a grandmother's duty to spoil her grandchildren and i feel so mean for even thinking about not letting DD go there. BUT i have asked her so many times not to give in to her every demand and she just doesnt listen. DD expects me and dh to do the same and then gets stroppy when told no. But i think you're right - as long as everyone else in her life doesnt spoil her she should be ok!!

hunkermunker Sun 31-Jul-05 15:05:32

Also, if your mum has her more often, she might not spoil her as much? Maybe?

QueenOfQuotes Sun 31-Jul-05 15:08:17

My grandparents used to spoil me and my brother rotten (we're the only grandchildren they've got) and apparently for a while when we were little we DID used to wind mum and dad up 'expecting' things - but they wouldn't give in - and neither did any of the other family memebers, and we just adjusted.

My parents are the same - our two DS's are their only grandchildren so far, and as a result my mum point blank refuses (or pretends she doesn't understand LOL) to do as I ask........DS1 is nearly 5 now - and I've given up - realised it's just not worth it - he'll play up for an hour or so after they've left, then remembers that mummy and daddy don't let him get away with so much.


(oh and given her age - 2 and 1/2ish she's at the age where she'd kick up a fuss even if Granny1 wasn't spoiling her - they grow out of it though )

WestCountryLass Sun 31-Jul-05 22:46:13

I'd leave her with her Grandmother too, if her only crime is to spoil your DD

I don't think kids need to be around kids all the time, if she is going to nursery and you probably take her places on your days off i'm sure she's getting loads of stimulation.

lovecloud Sun 31-Jul-05 23:20:21

Hello I went back to work when dd was 7 mths - heart ache there was no way i could of sent her to a nursery so i was delighted when my parents wanted her, they spoilt her rotten and looked forward to her going but i noticed that she was becoming hard work for them when she got to 10 mths, by 1 year, i felt like they could not stimulate her enough but i felt she was too young for nursery, luckily i was made redundent and i since started my own business and my dd started nursery this year aged two - she loves it and i feel he is strong enough to cope, i could not of sent her any younger. i think its best to avoid nurserys under two, they just dont get the attention a baby needs but by two its more about stimulation.

pablopatito Mon 01-Aug-05 08:55:03

I can just about remember playing and being looked after by my granny, I think I was four or five when she died. But I can't remember going to nursery or really anything else at that age. Being able to spend time with your gran is something very special that you remember it your whole life so I wouldn't give it up even if DD is being spoilt - life's too short.

JOSIE3 Mon 01-Aug-05 09:04:51

I agree with everyone else - let granny have her. My grandma had me 1 1/2 days a week before I started school and it's created such an amazing bond, I feel like she's my second mum!!

triceratops Mon 01-Aug-05 09:16:14

There is nothing stimulating about nursery in my opinion (ds went to three different ones and they were all rubbish). She will get much more stimulation, bonding and continuity (very important at her age) from granny. She is bound to be stroppy amd demanding if she is 2 and a half. If you set some concrete rules for granny such as eating and sleeping and the maximum amount of money to be spent on toys I am sure that you will all do really well.

oops Mon 01-Aug-05 09:29:09

Message withdrawn

Pinotmum Mon 01-Aug-05 09:35:31

My mum is the world's worst child spoiler. Up until May I was a sahm and every time my mum visited us (weekly) the children got sweets, presents, clothes, the lot. She now looks after them 3 pm's a week (dd is starting school f/t this Sept and ds is 3 yo in Oct) and I have noticed that Granny has firmer rules and fewer pressies. My children love her coming to look after them, no tears when I leave and she gets great enjoyment from being with them as the sole carer not visiting granny. I get the food in for lunch and snacks so I have a little knowledge of what they eat but I agree that granny SHOULD be allowed to spoil them

Chandra Mon 01-Aug-05 09:38:49

I believe that the current arrangement sounds perfect but I understand your point of granny not acting as you would like. My mother is the same and part of spoiling DS rotten is the usual giving him sweets, plus Diet Coke, chocolates before bed, if DS likes a toy in a shop, it doesn't matter how expensive/big/out of age is, he just gets it.

The only problem is that in being such a rightful granny, my mother ignores my instructions about things that may be more important, she would happily slip antibiotics in his mouth for a simple cold or for example, DS had a reaction to peanuts and we were waiting for an allergy test, we were told to deal with peanuts as if he had a full blown allergy as we couldn't be sure that he hasdn't. So... although I explained to my mother how important that was (specially as nut allergies are unheard off in my country), and spent hours going through that, the first time I was not looking she handled him a chocolate filled with peanut. Obviously DS reacted to it and got covered in a rash in less than 3 minutes, she did that while on a ferry about 12 hours from the destination, eventhough I'm thankful that DS hasn't had a shock (and we don't need to wait for testing anymore after this), I really had a problem about getting my grip and not have a go at her specially when I noticed that she knew there was peanut in that chocolat and she said: See, is not that bad! you worry too much!... but what if it had been that bad? I find difficult not to have an eye on her after that as I know she will do as she pleases regardless of my instructions, doctor's recommendations, etc.

So, in a nut case, you are the one who knows your mother best, if you don't like the way she takes care of your DD, find an alternative.

Donbean Mon 01-Aug-05 10:25:38

I have to say that my MIL has had ds for half a day once a week since i went back to work and i am now so so grateful for this.
I feel it is very important to encourage the family unit therefor strengthening the bond.
I had such traumas about handing him over to some one else to care for that the one and only thing that made me feel better was that my MIL had him because she wants to spend time with him and loves him as much as we do. She is not having him because she is payed to have him IYSWIM.
Socially, i provide that side of things on my days off. He gets undivided 1:1 attention from a granny who adores him, as a mum i dont even give it a second thought when im away from him at work, where as i know i definitely would if he were in a nursery.
But then im funny like that. (a little strange some would say)

Skribble Mon 01-Aug-05 10:37:42

As long as granny wants to have DD I would let her. Children soon learn what is allowed where, I was forever saying heh your not at your granny's. A little spoiling once a week will be fine. I

had to encourage granny to ration the sweets as some weeks they were their 4 times and the sweets were getting out of hand.

Grandad has to be encouraged to turn off the news and watch it later which i find very hard to ask him to do in his own home but I think the news reports can be very graphic and scary for children. Iknow others that let their 5yr olds watch CSI mine doesn't get to watch the 6oclock news.

webmum Mon 01-Aug-05 10:38:15

I think she's getting the best of both worlds, don't worry about your mum not being able to take her anywhere, grandmas find endless ways to entertain children!! (at least my mum does).

I don't agree with some comments about nurseries that have been made here. I don't think they can get any more bad habits at nursery than with grandmas, it's all down to WHICH nursery and WHICH grandma. My niece is picking up lots of swear words and racist attidues from one set of grandparents but my sister feels she can't say they cannot have her so she's stuck with it.

In an ideal world I think that if children can spend some time in a good nursery environment and some with grandparents they get the best of everything!!

spidermama Mon 01-Aug-05 10:43:04

I would stick with your mum. I wish my mum or MIL lived a bit closer. It's such an important relationship for a little girl to develop.
I always feel I missed out because we lived so far from my Grandma so I barely saw her.

I understand how you feel about the spoiling. Mum's can be very irritating. But I think you should try to be glad you have her, and just let go of her for that one day a week.

She'll be in school full time soon enough. Let her have one on one with a lady who loves her and loves being with her for both their sakes.

mandymoo Mon 01-Aug-05 20:41:22

Wow! Thanks for all your valid points - will continue as we are for the moment and see how it goes. My dad died 4yrs ago so the last thing i want to do is restrict mum from seeing dd as this is the one ray of light in her life. I really am grateful that i am lucky enough to have my mum so close. Thanks to you all XX

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