Stepmother to very spoilt 12-year-old boy - advice?

[WeeScone]

Hello everyone!

My first time on here. I joined because I seem to be in a bit of a unique situation.

I've found myself the stepmother of an occasionally delightful but mostly spoilt 12-year-old boy - naturally the usual books don't have much to say - I think my situation must be a bit extreme!

He's a bright young chap, doing very well at school, an avid reader - things I'd be really proud of if he were my own. The trouble is, his parents (who separated when he was 4) have indulged him, spoilt him, and never bothered with a routine, discipline or manners. He has no siblings or cousins, and so has had adults running around for him his entire life.

I realise that he could have turned out a lot worse, but I think someone ought to be imposing some discipline, teaching him things like housework, cooking, etc - that all seems to be down to me, and I'm struggling to convince his father that there's a need for change.

Also, I've read in several places that a young teenage boy needs an adult male mentor that's not his father. His Dad rejects this because he's tried the Scouts in the past and hated it - apparently this means he doesn't have to try anything else.

How do I persuade Indulgent Dad that his son is like other kids, and advice on raising them is relevent to his own child?

[SlartyBartFast]

there is, i like, a step parents section.
you will probably get more advice there from people in same/similar situation.

[waitingforbedtime]

What is it that he does that is so 'wrong' or unsatisfactory?

[TheCrackFox]

Aren't all 12 yr old boys a bit annoying?

FWIW it is up to his mum and dad as to how they choose to parent him.

[WeeScone]

Not so much that he does anything "wrong" - rather that he does NOTHING WHATSOEVER!

I assume all 12-year-olds resist encouragement to join in with family activities, but he can't amuse himself for more than 5 minutes without demanding attention from his Dad.

Unitl 3 months ago, he'd never made his own bed, taken his dishes into the kitchen, done the washing-up or helped with baking. He only does these things because I insist on it. His parents would let him lie on the sofa all day, leave him there if they needed to go to the shops (easier than having to deal with the whining/sulking), buy him whatever he wants (ditto re: sulking) and let him stay up all night on his computer.

Poor kid has never had anyone try to teach him about life, but I'm not sure it's my place to do so.

[WeeScone]

Yes, TheCrackFox, I understand it's up to his parents on how they parent him, but I've yet to see any evidence of actual parenting. It's all about being his friend and being popular.

[TheCrackFox]

I don't think there is much you can actually do.

How long have you been his step-mother?

[SpringyThingy]

Sadly it's not your place. At no point in his future is anyone going to say 'Gosh I'm so glad you were in his life to teach him to clean' least of all him.
Step parenting is bloody hard and for a step mum it is thankless and demoralising (step dads for some reason are praised just for getting on with them!)
The best thing you can do imo and ime is make sure you have a solid relationship with him. Find out what he enjoys and join in with him. Perhaps co-read books so that you have something to talk about?
I see your point about his parents just wanting to be his friend and maybe that's not so good and probably down to their split, but in actual fact, being his friend is the best you can do for him. At least he'll have someone to talk to as he hits teenage years and things really start hotting up.

[SpringyThingy]

Do you have your own children? If so, you can at least insist on family meal times together where he can engage. House rules are yours to set, parenting style and techniques are not.

[Acanthus]

I agree with you, but you are in a difficult situation (and I think the step parents board would be more help to you). FYI, my 11yo DS does not behave anything like you describe, joins in family activities happily, willingly and without question, does extra-curricular stuff and goes to scouts.

[Acanthus]

Also, he's not "a bit annoying", doesn't sulk and doesn't have stuff bought for him unless he needs clothes or it's his birthday.

[booyhoo]

if he is in your house then i would insist that everyone sticks to the same rules. but parenting is up to his mum and dad so you cannot insist he joins scouts or anything similar.

[ChocolatePants]

Have you had any experience of dealing with or interacting with children?

Just sounds like you have 'theoretical' ideas, but don't understand the actuality, iyswim, and that is not supposed to come across as a criticism by the way.

[booyhoo]

chocolate pants, i thought the same. OP seems to have a very idealistic view of what a 12 year old boy 'should' do.

[usualsuspect]

I think you should not read so many books on what a 12 year old boy should be doing..and leave it up to his parents to parent him

[weloveyoumisshannigan]

I don't think there is anything that you can do. You can't walk into a 12yo life and start being the parent when he already has 2 parents. You can not fetch and carry for him yourself but I don't think you could stop either of his parents doing that if they are happy with the situation. I think if I were in your situation would lead him to understand that their is a basic standard that he has to come up to in your house such as making his bed, tidying his stuff away, helping with the odd meal and clearing up but it is not down to you to teach him cooking and housework. If he leave home and can't boil an egg or do laundry then that is not your fault.

Feel free to ignore me, my eldest is 6 and I have no stepfamily experience .

How often is he at your house?

[foureleven]

I feel your pain, step partenting is the hardest thing in the world, all the worry and responsibility and none of the authority or glory.
The stepparenting page will be better for you. I learned that the hard way. On here you are most likely to get 'helpful' one line responses like - 'Its not up to you, youre not his mother' (like you dont already know that )

[Greensleeves]

I replied on your other trhead

[foureleven]

Followed by a chorus of 'are you married to his dad because if not you're not EVEN his REAL step parent...

Heehee that said no one on this thread has actually said those things so ill step back, its just been my experience that youd be better off over on step parents

[Nemofish]

Weescone are you me? Except I have a lovely, but spoilt, dsd.

Not much you can do I'm afraid, without the backup and consistant boundaries from both bio parents. (hahaha, yes I know).

For the most part, you have to let it go. Insist on niceness, manners, and show him that you will be pleasant and respectful always to him - model the good behaviour (which I'm sure you do).

If you are considering having dcs with your present partner, it may be worth pointing out to him that you do not want your dcs imitating their big step brothers behaviour.

Dsd used to get toys bought for her every weekend, it was crazy, ridiculous, she would ask dh to buy stuff that she didn't really want, just to have stuff. His daughter, his choice, but I pointed out that he would have to choose a) getting our dc the same amount of stuff, when dsd got stuff, otherwise very unfair, and I was not prepared to let him do that and spoil our dc, or b) he could calm it down and stop giving in to every demand. He chose b). (Phew!)

[14hourstillbedtime]

Can I respectfully disagree with the other posters that it's not the OP's 'place' to comment on or try to alter her step-DS's parenting?

I have 2 DC myself, no step-DC but was raised with a step father from the age of 17 (he also inherited my two younger brothers) and I in no way think my Step DF was wrong for insisting that certain house rules be obeyed and for having a massive input in my teenage child rearing. I was a really spoilt child and I think my Step DF was absolutely right on the money to insist that I help more round the house, not answer my mother back and be generally more grateful for my fabulous life than I was.

Out of interest, why do others on here think it isn't 'her place' to even comment? Especially if her Step DS lives with her all/part of the time?

[Chandra]

I agree with you 14... I believe that a step parent,as any other adult on the planet, has the right to set some rules in her house. ie. If I have DS's friends around and they start misbehaving or being rude, I just stop them in their tracks, I wouldn't dream to ring their mothers and ask them to come and deal with the situation. There are things that are acceptable and other that aren't. The problem obviously is deciding where to draw the line between the two.

The other bad thing about excluding the step parent from any parenting responsibility is that at some point it can backfire big time, if the child becomes disrespectful of the step parent as s/he is in the knowledge that the stepparent is not allowed to stop such behaviour. Teenagers by nature will challenge authority, I guess that is only fair that the step parents gets to play in level ground IYWIM

Actually, I would go as far as saying that when I contacted the Association Separated Families to find out how to help DS in the transition between one and two households, one thing they told me when I mentioned of the differences between my ex and my style of parenting, they said "Oh, don't worry, children learn to respect the rules of each household even if they are different" so, the fact that the OP gets the child to help clearing the table is not exactly something that would damage the child, in the long term.

[mathanxiety]

I agree with 14 and Chandra.

If he's in your house, then you should not have to be silent about your expectations, or forget about them altogether, especially if it means you're the one picking up after him. His father sounds pretty hopeless, tbh.

I think someone will actually thank you for any effort you put into a child of 12, a notoriously difficult age even without the complication of having spineless parents. It might even be the boy himself, but it might also be any future partner.

Children really need someone making some sort of demand on them at home. They feel good about themselves as they develop competence at little things like bed-making, taking out the bin, clearing up after dinner, learning to do their own laundry, etc. Plus, in a step family situation, they can develop feelings of being needed and appreciated and belonging by having some chores to do. Everybody wins if someone is willing to be the grown up and start in a friendly but firm way to grow this child up a little.

[weloveyoumisshannigan]

I don't think its not her 'place'

I think that she is fighting a losing battle if her dh is going to undermine her at every turn.

Now I read the OP again I see that she is actually asking what she can do about the dad rather than the dss so I will change my answer from "I don't think there is anything that you can do" to I don't know .

[bumpsoon]

Honestly ? i think you might be in a no win situation re the father .As for the son ,well he sounds very much like alot of 12 year olds and all you can do is keep plugging away at them ,i have just about managed to teach mine the wonders of the magic cupboard {dishwasher },although im still struggling on that one with my dh