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Why do I find the prospect of becoming a SAHM so scary?

(3 Posts)
Dickers Mon 25-Jul-05 12:35:14

I have 2 DSs (DS1 nearly 3, DS2 6 months) I worked full time between DS1 & DS2 and I have just returned to work after DS2, to find I am being made redundant. I'm struggling to find another job which pays enough to cover the 2 sets of nursery fees and it is becoming increasingly clear that I will have to use my redundancy money to keep me going whilst being a SAHM until DS1 starts school in 2 years time.
Why am I so scared by this? I love my boys...I think it is because;
I loose my "working identity"
I'm worried I'll be bored and resent my DSs
I'll loose my equal earning status with DH
I'll have no "me" time
Please help reassure me

Caligula Mon 25-Jul-05 13:14:39

I'm not sure about reassuring you, but tbh you're talking about it being all your responsibility to deal with the childcare fees, and talking about your redundancy money to keep you going. Aren't you and your husband equal partners in your marriage? Yes you may lose your equal earning status, but does that mean you'll lose your equal partnership status?

Resent your employer, resent your dh, resent society, but please don't resent your children - I think that's transferral behaviour.

Yes you may be bored, but you need to find things you like doing and don't feel you have to go to mum and baby groups that bore you senseless. OTOH, you might find one where you meet someone you get on well with.

With the me time, hmm... I'm not sure I can reassure you on that one! With that one, you'll have to negotiate with your dh to make his see that when you're at home, you're doing a job, and he needs to make some space for you, at least once a week, where you can relax.

But I think at base, you need to sort out you and your DH's feelings about the value of you staying at home, because I think that's what's terrifying you - if you don't value it highly, and your dh doesn't value it highly, then you're going to find yourself a second class citizen in your relationship, tbh. And a bloody hard working one at that. Not a nice prospect, so I do understand why you're unsure about this.

eldestgirl Mon 25-Jul-05 14:10:02

Changing your mindset is half the battle. You could leave your "working identity" at the office and vow that the next 2 years will be a brilliant experience for you and your children.
Completely agree with Caligula. DH thinks I am the bees' knees for staying at home with our 2 boys and I know the boys love being with me. You can put as much effort into being a SAHM as you used to at the office (actually it's probably more).
On a practical level, your eldest son could start playschool for a couple of mornings a week, which would give you some time with just the baby. If you time the baby's big nap before your son comes back from playschool, that's 2 hours a day to yourself .
I know it's easy to say these things. I have been a SAHM for 4 years now. I used to have a fairly full-on job in litigation, but I learned to slow down and take each day as it comes. Try not to be so hard on yourself before you have given it a go.

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