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Age gaps and mums with 3 or more kids please...

(42 Posts)
Louise1970 Sat 23-Jul-05 17:18:15

I have a ds1 of 20 months & dd2 of 5 months. We had our children close for our own reasons of age, health & money. We are really not sure if to stop at 2 or have a 3rd. We would like 3, but that means building another bedroom. Longer time off work, does it cost more later on with growing up etc. And all that. I really can not decide. I know we are lucky to have 2 healthy children already. But is it being greedy and selfish. Is it right to bring another one into the unknown worl. Should we have a similiar age gap to the other two or should we wait. Oh god help...

Lonelymum Sat 23-Jul-05 17:34:03

The age gap between mine grew larger as we went along (I have 4). That was mainly because the more I had, the more exhausted I became and the less inclined to get on with the next one (4 was always my game plan). Also, No4 took a little longer to conceive than the others had.

I know what you mean about feeling greedy and selfish: I still feel greedy for having No4, but ultimately, it is your and dh's decision. You do what you want and what you feel you can afford and don't worry about other people's opinions.

spidermama Sat 23-Jul-05 17:37:19

Our gaps got bigger too. Now we have a 6 month old, a 3 year old, a 5 year old and a 6 year old. It's hard work but I love it. I think siblings are a great gift to give to a child.

It depends though. Would you be able to move on and stop thining about having another? Or would the subject keep on cropping up again and again?

If so, get on with it and concentrate the hard work into a short space of time.

That said, you should rest your body for about 2 years before getting pg again really.

BROWNY Sat 23-Jul-05 18:01:15

Hi Louise,

I've got 4 children, two girls and two boys. There is a 19 month gap between the two girls, then 22 months between dd2 and ds1. We always planned to have another baby when ds1 started school and I found out I was pregnant in the August as ds1 started school in the September - how clever am I?.

I did find the early years with my three extremely exhausting and can hardly remember those years, but when ds1 started school and ds2 was born in the May, I've found that I can really enjoy him more, the others are at school all day, and I've got time to be with ds2. Sometimes (well almost all the time actually), the baby cheers everyone up, even when I've told the others off and they're sulking - ds2 comes crawling over and everyone is friends again!.

Louise1970 Sat 23-Jul-05 18:06:33

hiya thanks. Not really bothered what people say. But need to look at all angles andthere is nothing like talking to the best. I will keep thinking about it if i do not have another. But i do ot know the long term financial thing and where i can control 3 later on. I do not believe in paying for uni fees and college. I beleive they should get jobs like my brother did. I am sure in the last year we will help them though etc. By the way thats if they want to go to uni. I am not fussed. I never went and i think it was the best thing for me. WOrk your way to the top. Not get a first class ticket there. Holidays would be expensive later on. My mum made me pay for half of the item of clothing i wanted. I do want to do this. But its other people that put the peir pressure on you. Children getting picked on etc. it is so much more than just wanting them. What will you all do. Again it is only to put another prospective on things for me. Not to make up my mind..

Louise1970 Sat 23-Jul-05 18:08:10

sorry browny. How old are your 4

KristinaM Sat 23-Jul-05 18:16:11

I have gaps of four years and 18 months. I liked the 4 year gap as one was just starting school when the other was a baby, so could get more attention. I think you need to think about childcare costs if you are planning to go back to work - nursery /childminder costs will be huge for 3 kids close together. Even once they are all at school you will be a lot for out of school care, especially in the holidays
I understand what you are saying about education. But its pretty hard to guess what government policy will be on paying for college in 18 years time. At the moment, if you earn a certain amount you have to pay for your kids uni fees & their maintenance, whether you like it or not. They dont go on what you believe IYSWIM - you are obliged to support your kids while they are in Ft education, up to 25 I think.

BROWNY Sat 23-Jul-05 18:21:42

Hi louise,

Mine are 9 and half, almost 8, son 6 and baby 14 months old. Everyone I meet, are very surprised that they're all mine - it seems very unusual for people to have more than two or three children. We're not worrying about the money side of things, we just get on with it - the children don't tend to need shoes/clothes all at the same time, so we stagger buying those - and I've just been to the Next Sale today to buy clothes (in bigger sizes) while they are cheap!.

As for holidays, we usual go for a caravan holiday in July/August with a last minute deal, and we've bought a tent that the children (not me) love to stay in! So it doesn't need to be expensive.

As to university/colleage, we'll worry about that when the time comes - there's plenty of books in the library!!.

HTH

nutcracker Sat 23-Jul-05 18:23:47

I have 3 with a gap of 25mths between Dd1 and Dd2, and then a gap of 36mths between Dd2 and Ds.

I personally wouldn't have ever had another age gap smaller than the 36mths, because I didn't cope very well with the small gap between Dd1 and 2, but it's your personal choice, you know your self best.

nutcracker Sat 23-Jul-05 18:24:10

Sorry meant to say, mine are now 7, 5 and 2.

Louise1970 Sat 23-Jul-05 18:42:37

hmm interesting. Brownie - Thats what we do. So expense is not an issue right now. i will not be going back to work until they are at school so no nursery fees, just pre-chool fees from 2years. As i have two close together if i leave a gap til the next. Wouldn'y it be left behind etc...

QueenEagle Sat 23-Jul-05 18:53:14

Louise - I had 3, each with a 2.2yr gap between them. They are 13.8, 11.6 and 9.4 years old. Then I divorced and remarried.

Had a baby with new dh after a 7 year gap. I wanted him to have a sibling close in age so we decided to have another and there is a gap of just under 2 yrs between him and ds4.

When the older 3 are at school, the 2 younger ones (aged 2.7 and 7mths) are lovely to have. Sometimes the 2.7 yr old annoys the older ones and won't leave them in peace. No4 and no5 are now starting to play together more.

I am anticipating that the 2 younger ones will be pretty close and as the older 3 get into their teens, they will spend less and less time together as they each develop their own interests.

It's hard work but mostly I love it. I find that dh is the biggest baby of them all and the hardest work!

Louise1970 Sat 23-Jul-05 19:33:41

QE thats what i thought. I either have another one now to keep them all together, or wait 2 years and have 2, but i do not know if we can afford another 2. Hence why i have raised this, needing to know what i may come across later on. Partner is easy either way. Not really wanting 4 as house is not big enough, but i suppose if i went back to work when they are at school maybe it will not be so bad...

BROWNY Sat 23-Jul-05 19:40:47

Hi Louise,

We have a tiny house, but we converted our loft so the two girls sleep up there, my sons have a tiny room each. We are currently adding a conservatory as we love the area we live in and plan to stay here. I wouldn't worry about the next baby being left out - my older ones love him to bits and would rather play with him, than their own friends!, plus there's always playgroup and nursery to find friends .

Louise1970 Sat 23-Jul-05 19:56:06

That is very reassuring to only have 1 more but later. I hope others can comment too to see if this happens in their families. I must admit i wish i could start threads all the time in behaviour as all the people seem to constantly be there. Let's see.....

MrsATeam Sun 24-Jul-05 01:42:30

Hi there Louis1970 my dh and I have a 6 year old a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a 7 week old baby...all are very close together...yes it is hard work as my dh is fulltime work and I am at home with them...but even though our last three are very close together and...it is hard work and a struggle sometimes I would not give it up for the world.....and would happily have more.....*anytime you want a chat come on over Lousie1970 always here, and have a good ear*

KristinaM Sun 24-Jul-05 09:56:52

"but i suppose if i went back to work when they are at school maybe it will not be so bad...

Louise - I'm not trying to put you off but I it might help you to check out now what would be the costs of after school & school holiday care for 4 children. I know its easy to think that your childcare problems go away when your kids start school but they dont. I suspect that you will be SHOCKED at the amounts involved.

I know quite a few mums who really wanted to go back to work for their self esteem, personal development / sanity etc as well as the £££££ and couldnt afford to!

MarsLady Sun 24-Jul-05 10:01:50

Between DS1 and DD1 is 22months. Then a gap of 4 years til DD1 then a gap of 5 years before the DTs.

Blimey! What was I thinking? Another 10 years in the primary school playground, whilst donning my hat for DS1's graduation.


Louise1970 Sun 24-Jul-05 12:26:58

Wow Mrs a team, can see why you nicknamed yourself that. Can i ask if you get any friends helf or family. I would be doing it all on my own. I am the last of my friends to have children, so can not rely on them. Parents are in their 70's, no can do their either. Hmm after school fees. Well i was thinking about working in schools, preschools, or temping, etc or even child minder myself or starting a business myself (don't know what yet though). I was sitting in the car this morning and i said to myself, that i was feeling like a person again. Tantrums seem to be getting better or easier. Do i want to go through that again. But it is only a couple of years, isn't it. i just don't know. I think i would regret it if i did not. Goid how selfish am i. There are people who can not have children, how lucky am i. I can not stop thinking about it. SOrry if i am going on...

Gobbledigook Sun 24-Jul-05 12:33:02

I've got 3 - similar age gaps. Ds1 to ds2 19 months, ds2 to ds3 20 months.

Eldest is only 4 so not sure about long term finances but am realising already that it must get mighty expensive.

So far only ds1 has swimming lessons which is £45 per 10 weeks. Once all 3 are swimming it'll be almost £150 every 10 weeks.

Also just starting ds1 and ds2 in a gymnastics club which is £17 for 4 sessions (so £34 a month effectively) - I could put ds3 in the baby one and that's more money.

Only buy shoes for 2 right now but soon it will be 3. Only buying school uniform for one right now, but soon will be 3!

Would not change it for the world though - they are the most amazing bunch of little boys who get on really well (have their moments too of course!) and I can just great fun with them all in the future.

If I was in your shoes and wanted a 3rd, I've have the 3rd close to the second as well. Hard, hard work in the short term but it's already getting a bit easier as ds3 is nearly 11 months and almost off bottles, almost walking, can eat a lot of what we and the ds's eat...

PeachyClair Sun 24-Jul-05 12:42:28

DS1 - 2, 13 months; 2-3 20 months.

Already mighty expensive!

But I would still ahve another!

benefits of close age gap is that I can now concentrate on getting back to work / earning, so although DS/H4 will probably be along one day I can still have mainly unbroken earning time ahead with 30 + years left in workforce

Fennel Sun 24-Jul-05 12:47:58

mine are 5 and a bit, nearly 4, and 15 months. actually i find it surprisingly cheap due to parental tiredness - we save lots of money on not going out much

childcare costs - they get a lot less as they reach school age. i have noticed a huge difference with 2 in school (they start full time at just 3 round here which really helps). after school clubs are 4.50 for 3 hours a day. holiday clubs round here are about £11 a day, though I am waiting to use those when the girls are a bit older. It is far cheaper now than when paying nursery fees.

ps on the guilt thing. i spent last year feeling guilty that no 3 had drained all my affection and attention for the other 2. But they want another one, or several more, they are pressuring me for another baby. It's not going to happen, but it's interesting that they see even 3 children as not really sufficient!

swedishmum Sun 24-Jul-05 12:48:59

Hi
Mine are 11, 9, 8 and 18 months. 23 months between 1 and 2, 11 months between 2 and 3 and then a 7 year gap.
I really liked having 3 close together but it was quite hard as dh was working abroad and we had no family close by. It made it easier if I hadn't slept much that I didn't have to do the school run every day.
On the other hand our little one is a total dream. The others adore her and she's very chilled out.
I love having 4 children - always felt I'd not quite "finished" before, but now am quite happy I've finished having babies.

shinypeople Sun 24-Jul-05 14:33:51

mine are 6, 4 and 15 months

There are 23 months between dd and ds1 and 42 months between ds1 and ds2.

Leaving a bigger gap between baby 2 and baby 3 meant that i could rest in the monings whilst pregnant (two older ones at nursery) and by the time the 3rd one was born, the oldest was at full time school.

Louise1970 Sun 24-Jul-05 14:37:23

SO, so far. Its sound a good idea to have them close to each other but maybe not as close as my two 15 months apart. It should be ok'ish for a 20 month or 2year gap, maybe. If i had help i would definetly have another one now. So that all the gaps were 15 months apart. But with no help. I think i have decided that i will have another but start in abaout 5 months. Oh hang on, that would mean another winter baby. No wanted sring summer or autumn. I god another dilemer ? It would be nice to have parties outside instead of indoors (novemebr & February). AARRGGHH!!

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