slightly odd behaviour from aquaintance what to do?

[madorbad]

I have name changed for this (its a small village).There is a local man who we don't know very well,partly because we are fairly new here,we bump into him quite a lot as he helps at the (only) cafe and he also is involved with other village stuff.He seems friendly enough,my dh and I are both pretty outgoing and sociable and are enjoying that side of village life,the man (who I will call "S")is part and parcel of the whole village network. My Dh said he feels unhappy with the way he is around our two dds,particularly our smallest,who is two.He is only doing what a good friend would do,e.g tickling her etc,but we hardly know him other than to chat to in the usual "how are you this morning" villagey type way.I have also felt slightly uncomfortable around him and it is hard to pindown why,I think he is a bit odd,he is certainly lonely and I think possibly rather bitter.He has sort of bypassed us to befriend our girls in that he doesn't chat to us (possibly he chats more to me than DH)as much as he does the children,and he is very physical with them,especially dd2.He picked her up onto his knee,he tickles her and grabs her and she really likes him,she thinks he is funny,I should emphasise nothing he does looks sexual or would be odd if my friend were to do it,but it still seems well,unusual I suppose and DH worries that he has made our girls trust him when we know nothing about him.Our older dd is 5.
I am wary of asking about him locally as obviously if he is just a lonely man with poor people skills,as is likely,then if any whiff of him being odd around small children got out in a tiny community like this it really could wreck his life,and yet we both feel bothered by him and he is hard to avoid .Any thoughts/advice?

[HellBent]

Tough one! My DD stops to chat to old people and she is 3.9. She realised a few months ago that they give her pennies if she smiles and chats! I'd be uncomfortable with anyone touching her but only because I would feel uncomfortable if he was doing it to me IYSWIM?

[HellBent]

I think if he is involved with village stuff and no-one else has voiced concerns then you can relax a bit. My experience of local village busybodies is that they'd be tripping over each other to tell the latest gossip and if this man was one to watch out for you'd have heard by now.

[llareggub]

I've read this before, I'm sure of it. Have you posted previously for advice?

[Gay40]

Go with your gut instinct. Something is making you feel wary - don't ignore it.
This is often how grooming begins, the establishment of trust with families/communities.
Say nothing, but watch him like a hawk and ask him politely if he would stop manhandling your daughter.
I wouldn't like it.

[madorbad]

I sort of do feel that (your second post)which is why we have just gone along with it,but then a woman working in the cafe snapped at him one day in a semi-joking but loaded way to "leave those girls alone" which I noticed as I was getting bothered by it.He is not elderly,I suppose fiftyish? fifty five at a push? We wonder just how well the other people locally know him.I did think that is there had ever been any suspicion about him it would have got out in a place like this,but there is something about the way he is that is quite strange.I don't know who to ask about him,or how to ask.

[wannaBe]

[Gay40]

Asking around won't help. Just be vigilant and firm.
The minute you ask around the gossip will start.

[HellBent]

Just read your second post and would like to second wannabe [hmmm]. Don't go to cafe, simples

[madorbad]

No I haven't,I am regular,but I haven't posted about this.yesterday her pulled her onto his knee and Dh picked her up sharpish and it prompted us to have a longer discussion tonight about our concerns.I don't know how to avoid him without cutting him dead which would be horrible if he is totally innocent as he probably is.And also without other people commenting.Gay40 the one thing that he isn't doing is building up a relationship with us,which is why I think he is maybe just an oddball,but he does touch her all the time,tickling ears,tickling tummy,picking her up etc.I feel bad even posting this as I like to be a friendly person and I have encouraged my dds to talk to anyone and everyone.

[madorbad]

Well yes I could avoid the cafe ,(and if it was that simple then I wouldn't be posting).but he is also at other places I can't mention as it might identify where we are (paranoid emoticon needed)and the cafe is on our route to school etc.the cafe is also a shop and our village is small.He is around all over the place basically.If I could easily avoid seeing him I would.We will certainly be trying to keep her out of his way.Laregub where do you live ?

[madorbad]

sorry "llareggub" doh.(v.tired)

[llareggub]

Where do I live? Why?

There has been a very similar thread to this in the past. Might be useful for you if you manage to track it down.

[wannaBe]

you know what, when I was a child sitting on someone's knee was pretty normal.

Someone tickling a toddler was pretty normal.

Now what was normal then has been escalated into something sinister. And those acting "normally" have been escalated to perverts.

And all this talk of grooming is just hysteria.

You're not going to be leaving your children alone with this man.

Therefore he's not going to abuse them, honest.

If your dd doesn't like it then tell him to stop.

But if it's you that doesn't like it then tbh you just need to get a grip.

[madorbad]

Sorry,was up half the night with dd2 and wasn't thinking properly,just wondered if you were local (to be honest slight panic because of your name),and had heard a similar story and it has only now sunk in that you read it on here.I have the brain of a lump of mud. Yes I would like to track that thread down,I will try-anyone else remember it.I am not posting very clearly as I am so tired so maybe I will try and be clearer tomorrow.I suppose I want to know how anyone else might handle this and if anyone has come across something similar and so that thread might be very useful.Was it recently? I am on quite a bit and I didn't read it.

[HellBent]

this one?

[madorbad]

Wanna be I know that,and I have never been worried about anything like this before,I was talking to DH about it and saying that other people have done this sort of thing before to her and it hasn't worried me at all( old ladies mainly,but old men too)In my family my Dad is really tactile with little children and so is my mother,I was brought up like that,but he makes us feel bothered.He gave them presents and made a big deal about it etc.I am not jumping in thinking "peodo "of anyone who is affectionate around children, I don't even think that is definitely what is going on,I just feel bothered by him and he makes me uncomfortable,he has a slightly manipulative way about him.I know my dds are not out without us now,but in a few years they will be going to the shop with friends etc as all the other eight/nine year olds do here and they trust him,so if he is dodgy that is worrying.

[madorbad]

Hellbent that must be it-very similar,in fact a few sentences in I was thinking "oh lord its the same bloke" as he is also a widower and we live in a remote coastal village,but i think it is just another peculiar person.
It isn't the tickling and all that per se,it is just that it bothers us both,and that it is oddly not affectionate,he does like her I think ,and she is like all small children very cute and funny,but it is all a bit over the top and forced as though he is determined to make her like him,rather than natural interaction.

[llareggub]

That is the one I was thinking of. How weirdly similar. I am nowhere remotely coastal, don't worry.

[wubblybubbly]

Could you possibly just try just saying 'I'd rather you didn't do that' when he's tickling etc? It's the physcial contact that I think I'd object to most.

It sounds difficult, but if you practice saying it so it comes across as firm but non judgemental/hysterical, it should have the desired effect.

A bit uncomfortable, but it really wouldn't have to cause a scene or cut off all communication, just draw a line at the physical stuff.

Sorry, probably not very helpful advice

[madorbad]

I think dh will probably do that,he took her off him very briskly yesterday (she also really hadn't wanted him to pick her up) I just feel that he is the sort of person to take offense very easily and to harbour brooding grudges.(this is all sounding very steinbeck now isn't it!) And as we are quite new here and just making friends I don't want any conflict if it can be avoided. I do know that S used to work with children as a volunteer but for some reason ,a disagreement he said,stopped doing it.Which could be anything,it could just be the easily offended thing,it is about all I know about him.He has children,but they are grown up and I have never met them,I am not sure where they live.

[madorbad]

DH just said that the problem for him is partly that the children take S to be a close friend because that is how he acts,and so they are different around him than they are around other people who we know better,but who are more reserved.So it is of his making that they trust him,rather than them trusting him because he really is a close friend.All our good friends cuddle and tickle the girls and they assume he is someone close because of his behaviour and yet we don't know him.

[grumpykat25]

Ooh, that is really tricky. My first instinct is to go with your gut. These feelings might be 6th sense, and you are obviously not going to become Ok with his behavior, so perhaps you need to accept it instead of querying why you feel this way.
could you discretely ask the person who snapped at him why she responded to his behavior in that way? As you are new in the village people may not want to rock the boat and tell you anything that has been "brushed under the carpet" but a direct question may get you your answer. He is probably totally innocent but you need to trust yourself and find out. Then you can relax and enjoy what sounds like a fab new lifestyle in the country.
Good luck

[Gay40]

Bloody hell Wannabe...how naive are you

[Gay40]

I can't stress enough just to trust your gut instinct on this one. Even if you can't properly explain why.

[ShadeofViolet]

I dont think WannaBe is being niave - not everyone is a dirty old Paedo.