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Failure as a Mummy

(24 Posts)
evasmom Wed 20-Jul-05 15:07:14

Not really sure where I should post this but really feel like a failure as a Mum.

My dd is a real daddy’s girl which I can cope with as they say girls tend to be but I’m starting to feel like she hates me – which I know sounds daft as she is only 15months old.

I’ve got used to not having much of a reaction from her when I come home even though when its dh she literally runs to him with her arms in the air and a big smile on her face, if we are in the room together its like I’m not there she always wants dh and moans if I pick her up instead of he, but the worst thing is that collecting her up from nursery is getting to be a real trauma for me.

She always cries when its me and tries to hang on to the nursery teachers, I have to prise her away, she’s only ever done this once to dh and that’s only because she was having a great time on the slide so understandably wanted to carry on - but with me it doesn’t matter what she’s doing.

I’ve always managed to make a joke of it in the past but yesterday was the worst ever – I felt so humiliated, as soon as I walked in and she saw me she shot over to one of the nursery teachers and clung onto her crying – when I went to pick her up she was screaming the place down everyone must be thinking “My God what does she do to her!” When I eventually managed to prise her way and she was in my arms she was hysterical – I tried really hard to calm her down promising a nice bath when we got home (she loves baths and understands as soon as you say the word and usually smiles) I couldn’t get out of there quick enough and by the time I had her strapped in the car I was in floods of tears.

Dh insists that she does love me – but how does he know, she’s only 15 months she only knows her instincts and they seem to be that I’m some sort of monster – I wouldn’t mind if I told her off all the time but I don’t.

Oh I don’t know I probably sound really stupid – I just feel so crap that my daughter seems to dislike me so much and I don’t know what to do about it I feel such a failure and a hopeless Mum.

Sorry its so long…

pinkmama Wed 20-Jul-05 15:10:02

Oh please dont feel like a failure evasmom. I am not surprised you find this hard, I think most people would. What is she like when you are on your own with her in the house for any period of time? Do you work full time?

lunavix Wed 20-Jul-05 15:11:30

I really feel for you, I'm sure it's not a big of a deal really as you think, but obviously it is to you.

DS is a daddy's boy, and he'd much rather spend time with dh or his granny than me, but I've just got used to it...

The only idea I can think of, and I know for most people this isn't an option, but could you have a weekend or a week away from dh, just the two of you?

Even if it's only a few days, just spend the whole time spoiling her, doing lots of things just you and her, it might remind her what mummy is for!

Tinker Wed 20-Jul-05 15:13:07

You're not a failure! When mine was at her childminders she'd shoo me away and cry when I collected her. And there wasn't even a father on the scene then. Take comfort that she is not afraid to show her feelings. This is how I convince myself. If you were truly a monster, I think she'd be withdrawn and passive. Plus, if she is a daddy's girl, you can get more breaks whilst he does the boring park stuff

evasmom Wed 20-Jul-05 15:16:47

I work four days a week - I had a year off for materity leave and only wanted to come back for three days but work wouldn't let me and unfortunatly we couldn't afford for me not to.

When we are in the house on our own together she is fine with me and will come and sit on my lap with a book or we will play togther with her toys etc - but recently I've noticed that even then she (and this is going to sound really daft!) give's me really funny looks and doesn't respond to me like she does dh.

up until now I've been fine brushing it off with oh she's a real daddies girl thats all - but its getting increasing harder and I'm at a point now when I dread picking her up from nursery.

evasmom Wed 20-Jul-05 15:21:05

The thing is its almost that with everyone else she's such a happy little thing always smiling and laughing and with me she's not.

At first I thought it was good that she obviously likes nursery so much that she doesn't want to go home but its becoming more and more obvious that its just me she doesn't want collecting her.

And its hurting more and more each time - GOD I'm sitting at work now nearly in tears - I know I'm probably over reacting but its really getting to me.

catgirl Wed 20-Jul-05 15:22:49

Please don't think your daugher dislikes you - you won't want to hear it is a phase but it is. My ds went through this, he was a mummy's boy for the longest time, then he switched to being a daddy's boy, now he cries for me when he is being told off (he is nearly 3). Some nights he doesn't want to leave the childminders (I work full time btw) and I have to nearly drag him away - I just think 'thank goodness he likes it there'. Please don't feel guilty, life is tough enough. Hugs

catgirl Wed 20-Jul-05 15:24:57

how about letting her spend all her time with her dad then - as someone said, plenty of 'you' time to get on with stuff - that doesn't sound very nice when I have read it back, but do you know what I mean?

pinkmama Wed 20-Jul-05 15:32:14

My dd used to cry when I picked her up from nursery. I found it very embarrassing and it did get me down. She was also a daddys girl. She didnt cry when he picked her up, but I am now not convinced that it was because she was happier to be with him, I think she just played me up more. Its like now, ds cries when I leave him at nursery, tells me he doesnt like it, doesnt want to be there, but if dh takes him in he is as happy as anything. I think they play up to certain people.

I am not belittling what you are saying at all, but I do think its easy to start interpreting every reaction of others to fit the script we have in our head, if that makes sense. It may be that now you are so, and understandably, sensitive to her behaviuor towards you, you are reading more than there actually is into everything she does.

What do other people think about how she is with you? maybe you could ask dh, or a friend or relative, just to check whether she really is behaving quite so differently to you.

evasmom Wed 20-Jul-05 15:52:48

You are probably right Pinkmama that maybe I'm reading to much into it but its getting increasingly hard not to.

At first I was able to joke about it like I said see it as a plus that she was obviously happy at nursery and also even found it useful that she preferred to play with Dh so I could get stuff done around the house.

I'm really trying to see it as just a phase but its really getting to me - just once I would love it if she showed some sort of interest when I come through the door if not a nursery but at home - I'm actually begining to feel jealous of dh how stupid is that

monkeytrousers Wed 20-Jul-05 15:55:50

Oh, how awful for you. I'm welling up just reading this. Try not to let it get to you, she's so young she doesn't know what she's doing. If it's making you feel upset, maybe she's picking up on those vibes too which she won't be able to understand. I'm sure it's just a phase. Don't despair! x

Bugsy2 Wed 20-Jul-05 16:10:12

evasmom, I hope you won't think I am being harsh, but you mustn't let your 15 month old upset you like this. You are the big grown up in the relationship. My two children have gone through similar phases at various stages & with various people and I have just firmly bundled them up, ignoring the hystrionics and taken them home/away or wherever. If they get a relaxed, calm response from you then they will soon call the behaviour off.
Please have confidence in yourself and the care you give your daughter. Don't be afraid of her and don't let her toddler behaviour get you down. None of the staff at the nursery are going to think you are a bad mother because they will have seen it all before.

evasmom Wed 20-Jul-05 16:30:28

I'm sure you are right Bugsy2 and I know that I'm the adult which is why I realise I'm probably being silly but as much as I try to pass it off last night really got to me.

I know she's only 15 months so its not like she's doing it on purpose or anything but ... oh I don't know I'm finding it really hard to put into words

From the moment she was born dh has been so much more confident with his parenting skills than me - I would read every book going whereas dh could trust his instincts - maybe thats the problem I'm just not a natural Mom.

evasmom Wed 20-Jul-05 16:33:22

Blimey just re-read my last post - that makes me sound like a daft self pitying mare !!

I know I need to get over this and it probably just is a phase that will pass but today at this moment its making me really sad and dread the trip to nursery - when I should be looking forward to seeing my dd

Bugsy2 Wed 20-Jul-05 16:38:08

I do know where you are coming from Evasmom and when you are tired after a long day it is "straw that breaks the camel's back" sort of stuff.
I don't think you are daft or self-pitying but just like all the rest of us trying to work out this tricky mothering business!!!

assumedname Wed 20-Jul-05 16:40:55

evasmom - can you find an activity that only you and dd do together? Something special for the two of you?

I had a short taste of this with one of my dd's and it hurt. You have my sympathy.

evasmom Wed 20-Jul-05 16:52:38

Assumed - I do get every Friday with her and I refuse to do any house work as its my day with dd sometimes we visit people - but we mainly spend the day at home or out and about on our own - when its just me she is fine.

but its when dh is around and then I'm totally ignored (which like mentioned yes has its plus side as at least then I can get things done)

last night it just came to a head and I found it really hard to cope with - if she had just cried like normal it wouldn't have been so bad BUT she really screamed like I've never heard her before any one would think I torture her when we are alone!

dh is picking her up from nursery tonight as I just can't face it - I know thats probably going to make it worse as I'm going to have to at some point but I'm just feeling to emotional at the moment

chicagomum Wed 20-Jul-05 17:03:19

so sorry you're feeling like this,tbh i sometimes feel we give these little creatures to much credit, what i mean by that is we think about the situation thru the eyes of an adult and think that's what they are doing to. my childminder used to say that children play up to their parent/parents because they love and trust them so feel comfortable enough to do it with them rather than others they don't know so well. also the dynamics of a relationship with a father is diff to that with a mother unless you both work the same amount of time and split the child care 50-50 each doing your share of fun and more routine stuff, children can be fickle (to say the least) last week dd was hysterical when i tried to drop her at camp (she's 3) this week she hasn't made a fuss at all and goes into one when its time to leave

saadia Wed 20-Jul-05 17:05:18

evasmom, can't really give any good advice except, without wanting to pry or offend, what is your dh's attitude to you? Perhaps if he started being exaggeratedly happy whenever he saw you and made a big fuss of you it might rub off on dd.

I can understand how this might be getting you down, my ds said to me today out of the blue "you go away, I want daddy to stay with me", and I was a little hurt.

BarefootMama Wed 20-Jul-05 17:10:31

Have not read all replies so sorry if i duplicate. My two and a half year old is my world ( he is one of four) I am a sahm and devote myself to him. However - I have noticed that when dh is sround he migrates to him all the time - dh will say 'go to mama' and he will say ' No (his name) stay with daddy' I do get hurt by it but its just ,nature/mood/who disciplines more/ a phase. What you must not do is attach more meaning to it than necessary. Your baby is only 15 months old...she is not judging you or 'giving you funny looks' she is just being a baby. She will love you and dh and it is regardless of how much time you work etc etc. You are worrying and reading too much into innocent actions. Our ds always runs back into nursery to the carers whenever he sees us. Its part of the process. Dont beat yourself up over it.....

chicagomum Wed 20-Jul-05 17:23:45

just thinking, how much time does she get to spend with dh? As a rule mine leaves the house at 8.30 and is rarely home before 8pm occasionally works at the weekend and travels abroad every couple of months for a few days, before i was on mat leave i only worked 3 short days so she saw a lot more of me and hence will always gravitate towards dh when he is there (to quote her "daddy's more fun" of course he is because he devotes his time with her to doing nice/fun things i do the 24hr a day care/feeding/discipline/supermarket shopping etc etc)

Nightynight Wed 20-Jul-05 17:42:55

evasmom, dont feel bad, you are just as much of a natural mum as the rest of us!
I would be pretty hurt by this too, but I think someone made a very good point about your dd playing you up. My children completely change their behaviour when they are with me, and become much more emotional, bursting into tears and having tantrums. They are much calmer with dx.
I do hope for your sake that this phase passes soon, and you can start to enjoy the rest of your life with your dd!

evasmom Thu 21-Jul-05 09:57:06

Thank you everyone for your replies - it really has helped to put things in perspective.

I didn't collect her from nursery yesterday as I really couldn't face it but I will today.

dh does try and make a big fuss of me when I walk in to try and get dd excited but tbh it dosen't really make any difference.

I'm really going to try and not let it get to me as much as it did the other day (easier said than done !!) I just felt so rejected BUT I realise that its probably just a phase or maybe she just thinks she can get away with it because its Mom.

evasmom Thu 21-Jul-05 09:57:07

Thank you everyone for your replies - it really has helped to put things in perspective.

I didn't collect her from nursery yesterday as I really couldn't face it but I will today.

dh does try and make a big fuss of me when I walk in to try and get dd excited but tbh it dosen't really make any difference.

I'm really going to try and not let it get to me as much as it did the other day (easier said than done !!) I just felt so rejected BUT I realise that its probably just a phase or maybe she just thinks she can get away with it because its Mom.

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