Did anyone else have days when they just felt utterly undermined as a new parent?

[MrsChemist]

It's not even just a day today, it's been all bloody week.
Complaints this week have been from:
My mother about DS's (6mo) bedtime (she didn't mention this to me, she sure as hell had a chat with my brother about it though) because he went to sleep at half 9 (I did tell them he was up a little later than he usually is)

My MIL about weaning. We are doing BLW and she asked us on sunday "so are you still just leaving him to it?" to which we (DH and I) answered yes. Less than five minutes after we had sat down to eat, she just grabbed a spoon and started shoving mushed carrots in his mouth, because I can only assume BLW isn't fast and efficient enough for her. Didn't ask us or anything, just did it. Oh yeah, and then she (spoon) fed him ice cream.

My SIL thinks I should be just leaving him to cry if he isn't settling.

My MIL (again) thinks DS is too pampered. She didn't tell me though, she told DS he was too pampered, whilst I was stood next to her.

My MIL also had "words" with DH about our living room carpet. It's beige and our living room leads straight to outside and our street is quite muddy when wet. So there are a few stains. She was probably having a good bitch about how I'm a shameless slattern.

My mother again, keeps making comments about him not being properly dressed. Says it's part of the daytime routine to get him dressed in the morning. I do get him dressed in the morning, just sometimes into a babygro. I don't see the need to put him in tiny jeans and shirts or whatever, because he's 6mo. No one cares what he is wearing, including him. He's warm and clean, that should be enough.

DH thinks I'm a fucking lousy housewife. He's been telling everyone proudly that he had two days off this week, so he got the house tidy and when we were admiring how tidy it was he asked me "so do you think you'll be able to keep it this way?" which I found slightly patronising. Yeah, he did do a lot of work, but I did loads of tidying and cleaning on Saturday, as well as looking after DS and cooking a 3 course meal for four.
I'm not great at tidying, but I'm not fucking hopeless. The way he talks anyone would think I do nothing around the house.

I can't say anything of course; they all know better because they have all been there before me and we all turned out fine, so I'm just being silly.

Just feel a little ganged up on and I'm starting to question whether I do know what I'm doing, because to be honest, most of the time I'm just left feeling like an idiot.

[chibi]

chin up woman. i have no meaningful advice but this would do my head in too.

hopefully someone will post with good ways to get everyone off your back, til then, don't let the bastards grind you down

[MrsChemist]

I'm usually good at ignoring them (best way to deal with ILs sometimes) but it was my first Mothers' Day on Sunday and I was just made to feel like a crappy mum.

Just to clarify, DH thinks I'm a great mum, but just a lazy slattern with it.

[AnyFucker]

just ignore the fuckers, MrsC

anybody who looks like you with a titchy baby has gotta be doing summat right

[30andMerkin]

If my DH said that to me he'd be lucky to still have his bollocks attached.

If he said that to me 6 months after I'd given birth, he'd be lucky to find them in the same county!

Presumably he had you on hand to provide childcare, meals etc etc on his days off? Therefore I heartily suggest you attempt to find a day when your ILs aren't around to provide back up support, then swan off for a whole day, no make that weekend, of shopping/spa/whatever is your particular nirvana leaving him with a reasonably tidy house and a 6 month old to look after.

Then come home to the total chaos and try not to gloat.

[TheCrackFox]

Go out for the say without the baby and see how tidy it is when you get back.

Tell everyone else to sod off. Or make comments via baby like "Grandma is very bossy isn't she?"

[meatntattypie]

Fuck um, fuck em all, and tell them all to fuck the fuck off.......in your head.

every one has got an opinion havent they, they all know better than you, they are all better than you arent they...

BUT HEY, look at what you have done, look at that gorgeous beautiful scrumptios little fella that YOU made and brought into this world, he is perfection isnt he, and you did that.
so fucking what if he is in a babygrow, so fucking what if the place is a bit untidy, you are a very very very fab bird to have made that little man

[AnyFucker]

lol @ fab bird

[EccentricaGallumbits]

Don't know about as a new parent. I'm still like it now. years later.

Tell them (in your head) to fuck the fuck off then when they get there to fuck off further.

[MrsChemist]

Thank you AF

Yes I was looking after DS while he was tidying, and I am thinking of leaving him for a weekend soon and seeing how he fares. To be fair to him though, he does understand that it's not easy and is usually very supportive. The state of the house is a bit of a contentious issue occasionally.

I would love to do that CrackFox, but MIL is the Queen of Passive Aggressive, and she is the last person on Earth I want to get on the wrong side of (been there, not worth the effort. Even DH and PIL don't take her on)

Although if she does it again, I can see myself losing it with her and just outright telling her to mind her own business.

[MrsChemist]

[sfxmum]

mrsChemist just a side tale, when dd was 1yr old I went back to work for a few months while dh looked after dd, he is excellent with dd and with housework generally however I recall that when his parents visited his dad took me aside when I got home and told me

• I'm afraid he did not do much housework, sorry about that, apparently only played with the baby all day, but I tried to do the dishes

[missedith01]

Seconded, 30andMerkin!

I'd be really angry about the carrots and icecream ... what a cheek! Are you sure either you or husband can't have a quiet word?

Chin up ...

[fruitful]

On the housework front - my job is looking after the kids for 12 hours each day, 5 days a week. Dh spends a similar amount of time earning our money. The rest of the childcare, the housework, gardening, diy jobs, shopping, cooking, organising family holidays, present-buying etc - those are our joint responsibility. Dh is very lucky in that I get quite a lot of it done during my working week. He is suitably grateful for this .

If dh had made a comment like that about the tidy house I'd have started trashing it, there and then ...

On the Opinionated Relatives front - if mine get too annoying, they find that they get to spend less time with my children.

Blind 'em with science. I bet someone has done some research about how wearing babygros for the first 18 months makes them brainier ...

[MrsChemist]

Part of me thinks he is kind of right though. I have a habit of having a cheeky brew while DS is napping, when I could be doing something constructive like washing dishes.
I did want to smack him though. He didn't help on Sunday when we got back home from PIL's and he straight away started to clean the carpet. It was 8 at night and I told him to leave it and do it the next day and he said that leaving it was how it got that way in the first place.
I just burst into tears instead of getting angry though

I gave my mum the baby led weaning book to read, because I know I'd end up somehow insulting her by inadvertently telling her that weaning me and my brother at 3 months was wrong (infact MIL and SIL weaned their children at 3 months as well). Hopefully the science will blow her away with it's amazingness and she will be a BLW convert.

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Apart from the stupid and hurtful comments by your DH, I could have written that exact post. I similarly saw little reason to worry about things like getting up and dressed in the morning--we had nowhere to be and those first thing cuddles with us both in our jimjams were totally worth it.
My mum persists in buying jeans for my daughter who is 8mo even though I'd rather she was dressed like a baby at least for the first year. She has finally come around to BLW after a multitude of comments about how 'stupid' it was. She's always writing every choice we make off as 'faddy'.
MIL has been surprisingly nice about things but we're so much easier for her to have around than SIL who still expects MIL to babysit all bloody weekend at the drop of a hat.
People will comment, especially family members, but the best thing is to gently stick to your guns.

However I'd have serious words to your DH about appropriate ways to speak to you. Patronizing you when you're already down on yourself is unkind and cruel and he should be sticking up for you instead.

[Romanarama]

DON"T STOP HIM FROM CLEANING THE CARPET!!! Why would you do that?? Then the carpet will be clean without you having to do it and you can spend that time having a brew instead! Next time say "fantastic idea' and leave him to it.

[MrsChemist]

I did leave him to it



I do have words about being spoken to like I'm an idiot, and to be fair to him, he was very very sweet when he was telling me he thought I was a fantastic mum and I'd rather he thought I was a great mum but a bit shitty at tidying.

[soapboxqueen]

Tell them all to go forth and multiply.

Especially the MIL. Next time grab the spoon out of her hand and shout 'He's not yours, He's mine. Get it! What I say goes.' Then either sit and finish your meal or storm out. Whatever takes your fancy.

[notevenamousie]

I remember those feelings well. I was terrible at housework in DD's first year. She had a wonderful first year though.

You do stuff around the house. You look after your wonderful son, and yourself (I believe our fellow local ladies, and hope we'll get to meet sometime!). You enjoy your son and he is thriving - and this is huge tbh.

My mother's a nightmare and my (now ex) MIL used to undermine me too. Try and be, feel, act, confident. You deserve to be. Surround yourself with people who believe in you when you can (I see you can't avoid DM and MIL)

Be like a swan - serene, regal and confident on the surface and paddling like hell underneath!

[CrushedWithEyes]

Hey, I'm a bit shitty at tidying! But children are always so busy untidying behind you that by the time they've grown up and left home I'll probably be so efficient at it, my house will be as immaculate as mum and MIL's houses and I will be free to make DIL feel bad [evil emoticon}

I've learnt with my relatives to speak to them as though we are united against the rest of the "world gone mad".

When MIL mentioned to me about DS3 still being in pyjamas (sp) I replied that It was funny how so many people supposed that and I bet she didn't have that problem with my DHwhen he was a baby because they didn't do those expensive "mini-me" type outfits when she was a new mum, did they?

Same with BLW, have to be conspirital and ask her if she thinks it's terrible how so many parents force babies to eat and look how happy DS is feeding at his own speed tyoe thing IYSWIM

[nickytwotimes]

The dh bit - aye, he's lucky he didn't lose part of his anatomy there...

but the relatives are a fecking nightmare and it doesn't stop for a while yet.

I am 'cooking' number 2 atm and MIL already whinging on about how I shouldn't bother trying bfing again and how they need weaned at 6 wks with rice in the bottle and potty trained at 12 mths, etc, etc, etc.

[MrsChemist]

Well I made a point to my mum that by the time I was 6 months old I was eating finger foods and not purees, so I'm just cutting out the puree. She said that made sense, but still seems sceptical.

[MrsChemist]

I might have a bit of a heart to heart with my mum. She will listen to me if I tell her how undermined I feel by her and that I know she is just trying to help, but that I'm doing things my way and need some support.

She probably had the same thing happen to her when I was a baby (especially from her MIL, because they don't get along) so she should be sympathetic.