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differently parenting to your parents?

(33 Posts)
misdee Mon 18-Jul-05 23:55:29

mt parents are of the smaking generation. i do occasionaly msack but am really really trying not to. i use time outs, count downs etc. but my [arents say 'maybe you should start smaking her' when one of my children misbehave. i did used to smack but it doesnt work. if i carried on i'd be smacking my children harder and harder.

does anyone else parent (or try to parent) differently to their own parents way?

trefusis Mon 18-Jul-05 23:56:46

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milward Tue 19-Jul-05 00:02:59

Hopefully completely different to my parents. Endured falling down house with no heating or hot water, domestic violence & nothing being done to improve situation. I do attachment parenting and am lucky in that I have a wonderful dh and a comfortable home for dds.

misdee Tue 19-Jul-05 00:04:52

oh yes, i get told off for co-sleeping as well.

MamaMaiasaura Tue 19-Jul-05 00:12:02

My mum smacked us occasionally and she has said she admires how i parent as I dont smack and ds is really well behaved. I do use count out, time out and also keep clear boundries. He is also rewarded (not with huge things) for achievements, like certificates at school.

My mum was bullied to be the disciplinarian by my deceased dad as well. Thing is my mum doesnt claim to be perfect but did the best with what knowledge she had and also what she learnt from her parenting. Similary I am sure I am not perfect but I do my best with what i know which includes not smacking. I wouldnt care if it was in vogue for one i couldnt imagine how a smack can teacha child a thing other than pain and fear and secondly when they are teenagers how are you going ot then reason with them when you have spent their childhood using physical means as punishment?

kama Tue 19-Jul-05 00:13:58

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TwinSetAndPearls Tue 19-Jul-05 00:22:51

My mum makes me laugh as when we were children she was a hopeless rather unloving parent who frequently took a slipper to us and turned a blind eye when her dp took a stick to us.

We were always broke, the only game we ever played was lets hide from the baliff, there were always rows with things being thrown shouting, screaming door slamming and I can't remember one nice thing she ever said to any of us.

However now I am a mother she has become the dr from Little Angels, it all ahs to be positive parenting, positive examples, no rowing in front of the children, lots of attention and quality time and homemade food. I have to bite my tongue every time she finds fault.

trefusis Tue 19-Jul-05 00:26:59

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kgc Tue 19-Jul-05 00:33:46

My parents are of that generation as well and also used a cane and my father also kicked us when he got really mad...he also broke my finger once. I do not believe in this extreme but part of my parentage has rubbed off on me and I do believe in smacking when needed...and have resorted to sayings from my parents...but have tried other alternatives too...and both work just as well...cannot say what would be the best....

trefusis Tue 19-Jul-05 00:37:59

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colditz Tue 19-Jul-05 00:39:10

My mothers method of parenting has made me decide that I am only having one child. When my brother was born, she lost interest in me, full stop.

My fathers method of controlling a 17 year old girl (dragging through the house by the hair) left a hell of a lot to be desired, and I have never forgiven my mother for letting him.

I hope to provide attention to my son whenever he wants it, and I don't care if he ends up spoiled because of it. I was told to go away too often, and it shattered my self confidance for years.

trefusis Tue 19-Jul-05 00:40:55

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kgc Tue 19-Jul-05 01:13:12

hey trefusis....thanks...yes this is the way I feel,I feel that I even tho I have not wanted to adopt some of my parentage approach I have and have without my it is just in-built within me and cannot help it.

trefusis Tue 19-Jul-05 01:25:49

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kgc Tue 19-Jul-05 01:33:09

Hey ya trefusis....yep.....the thing with me is know how you try you always end up sounding like your parents....I have tried not to...but evenutally always do.

kgc Tue 19-Jul-05 01:34:32

sorry...meant to matter how you try...sorry

BadgerBadger Tue 19-Jul-05 01:39:02

I consciously 'parent' differently to my parents. I do pretty much the opposite to them.

It's kind of difficult in a sense to parent without a role model to follow; or more difficult still is opposing the methods of the role models of my childhood - breaking the mold!

I've found that instinct is by far my most reliable tutor.

kgc Tue 19-Jul-05 01:51:16

BadgerBadger.....def. think so

monkeytrousers Tue 19-Jul-05 09:14:36

My mother was/is a nutcase and everything I do utterly bewilders her.

We're vegetarian, so with every visit (which isn't often thak god) the moment he grumbles it's because he needs meat (?! He was born 10.4 and is still between the 91st and 98th percentile).

She smacked, (oh and how) and when I tell her that we won't be, she gets all defensive..'oh, you say that now, just wait!' (Her position is completely indefensible, BTW).

Oh the list is endless. I'd rather be euthanized than end up like her. I've left instructions!

WigWamBam Tue 19-Jul-05 09:23:08

Twinsetandpearls, are you my sister? You are describing my childhood almost to a tee. My mother was violent, verbally abusive, and I was terrified of her. I was once beaten for an hour with a wooden shoe because someone (not me) had made a small mark in the condensation on a window, and that wasn't unusual. She would scream and shout, slam doors, and I too can't remember her ever saying anything nice to us.

She has selective memory and is always telling me about positive parenting, the value of praise, and how easy it is to screw up a child's confidence. Yes, mother, I know.

I would only follow my mother's school of parenting if I wanted my dd to have no self-confidence, not be able to talk to me, and be terrified of me even into adulthood.

monkeytrousers Tue 19-Jul-05 09:45:02

I can relate to that. Sounds like we're all kindred WWB.

Slink Tue 19-Jul-05 09:51:37

My parents too are from the smacking age. I did it but then dd started to smack me so now i say to her "bad behaviour has consequences" they include no tv, or fav dvd's being taken away fav toy or her blanket. We also have the step and time out. which works far better, my mum said to my dd once she neede a smack she said no mummy doesn't do that we talk!!!!

purpleturtle Tue 19-Jul-05 09:59:42

My parents smacked too, although mum had to resort to a wooden spoon once the back of her hand left us laughing . We try hard not to smack.

My mum has obviously been watching the tv - last time we were there, out of the blue, she said to dd and ds "You're playing nicely together, well done!". She also gives them chocolate - when we were only allowed sweets on a Sunday when I was that age.

My father was the disciplinarian in our house (PE teacher, nuff said) - I remember getting a smack for saying bloody to him, aged about 7. last week he taught my nearly 2yr old niece to say 'boobies' and 'bummer'! Hard to believe it's the same person.

On the whole though, all differences to the good. and the only way I feel the need to parent differently from them is in not smacking, and using a lot more encouragement

TwinSetAndPearls Tue 19-Jul-05 10:36:58

lol WWB maybe.

I have tried to put a positive spin on my mus new found positive parenting, maybe she has seen how dp and I aretrying to raise our daughter and she has realised how truly awful a parent she was. Pride has prevented her from admitting this to me so instead she is trying to make sure that I do not make her mistakes.

Monkeysmom Tue 19-Jul-05 10:41:17

I’ll be proud if I can be same good parent to my son as my parents have been to me.
Although my parents have divorced when I was only 3 yo, they have been fantastic parents and always made me feel loved, special and the most precious thing in their lives. Because they were so laid-back and un-judgemental, they have always been my best friends. They had high standards in what education was concerned and I did work hard at school, but I don’t remember doing anything because I was forced or bribed into. I just wanted to please them and was my way of saying thank you for being so great.
I do hope my son will feel the same towards me.

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