9 year old suddenly frightened to the point of crying.

[nickschick]

My 9 year old ds has suddenly become very tearful and scared of death.

He gets tearful and says he couldnt live without me.

I reassure him im not planning on going anywhere etc but im at a loss on how to deal with it,ive tried the daft oh i wont die thing,the sensetive theres lots of people who love you and would care for you if i died,the worry doll path - last resort.

anyone??

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Sorry, no answers but I remember having a similar conversation with my mum when I was about the same age. I wasn't scared of death per se it was the idea that life would carry on without me.
Have you had a death in your circle or has he read a book about someone dying?

[simplesarah]

Hi,

I got a fear of death about that age and actually had my first and only panic attack then too. It stemmed from watching casualty and i became a hypocondriac, scared i was going to die of all these things.
I am also studying to become a counsellor and it doesn't sound as if it's a passing phase. I would contact your doctor or health visitor to see if you can get some kind of counselling for him to get to the bottom of what's brought it all on.
Good luck
Sarah

[nickschick]

Kreecher,I think its because my mum died when I was 11 and hes 9 and thinking 'how would I feel?'....simplesarah I have been monitoring what hes watching and theres nothing sinister and we talked about bradley just being an actor (eastenders) so I cant think of any other reason,if it carries on then we will go and see our matter of fact G.P who will help- I did ask ds if he wanted to go and see the GP or even our priest and he said 'no because if we say it to anyone else it might really happen'.

Ty both for your help.

[CAZ46]

Hi am new to this site and interested in your posts. I have a 9 year old who is fearful of dying and my family dying. I can't really pinpoint what has brought this on. He is usually a lovely happy boy but lately become fearful and bursting into tears and scared of dying. He has studied tudors at school, read some stories with death mentioned and the kids at school talk about death. No-one in my family has died recently. Would be interested to know from you how your kids are now - how they coped and got through this. Be great to hear from you luv CAZ46 x

[cocolepew]

My DD suffers from anxiety, I got her this. Unfortunately because of her anxiety she now has OCD resulting in intrusive, disturbing, thoughts. She has seen a therapist and had CBT to great success. I'm not saying this happens to every child who goes through this stage, but it is a very real fear.

If you get your DS to write down what he feels and then grade it 1-10, 10 being very fearful. Then he has to write how he would overcome this thought, or why it's not true/ wouldn't happen, and regrade it. It helps puts them in control and to think straighter without being so scared.

Good luck I hope he's feeling better soon.

[cory]

It is a very real fear for a very real reason: we do know it's going to happen, we don't know what it's going to be like, we see around us daily that people it happens to are scared and upset, and however much you try to tell your children that it only happens to old and poorly people that are ready to die, they know perfectly well that that isn't true.

My ds has gone through it twice. The first time was when he was 6 and found out by accident that his beloved swimming instructor had just been murdered. That was really horrible and he was traumatised for a long time, to the extent of self-harming and wanting to throw himself out of an upstairs window. Was even harder because we were staying with younger children who were not to be told about it, so he wasn't allowed to talk. We agreed on a special signal for when he just needed to take me to one side and talk. And I taught him to beat up the bed clothes to take out his fears.

The second time was when he was 8 and his best mate's mum died. Very very sad, but not terrifying in the same way as the first time; he had known for a long time that she was terminally ill, and he went to the funeral along with the rest of the community. He was very unsettled for a long time, though, and it didn't help that he himself was diagnosed with a disability the week after the funeral. I tried to be reassuring without making promises he would know I couldn't guarantee (like 'I'm not going to die until you are old' - he had just seen that mums can't promise that). Lots of cuddles- and he was allowed in our bed if he needed to.

[CAZ46]

Thank you for your messages and really appreciate your advice. Just ordered the book recommended - thanks. My son and I had a heart to heart last night with tears from both of us and feel there has been a bit of a break through. For sometime my son did not talk about what was bothering him. He has had a lovely chat with his nanny and he is happy to talk to me about his worries. He camped on our bedroom floor last night which I was quite happy with. His older brother has been really good with him. My son said that he will talk to me about it for now but if it gets too much next week he will discuss it further at school - bless him. Hopefully the situation will be resolved soon. It is difficult but glad I am not the only mum going through this. Thanks once again for your support luv CAZ46

[Solo2]

I started a thread on this some weeks ago, as my twin 9 yr olds often say - usually last thing at night - what would I do if you died, mummy and get so upset, they get tearful.

On the one hand, I think this might well be a phase, as they reach a developmental age when they realise that death happens and what it really means.

On the other hand, it could also be because my twins have only me at all in their lives and my parents - their only grandparents - have died over the last 5 yrs.

My response differs depending on the mood of the moment but these are some things I say: Yes, we all die and if we didn't we'd never have lives. So being able to die is actually a natural part of life and if you don't die, it means you never lived (that one's for the calmer, rational moments)....or...look, do I really look like I'm going to die any time soon? I'm bursting with life! I haven't got time to die! (if it's a jovial moment)

...or....Hey, of course one day wehn you're much much older, I may die and like me, when my parents died, you'll be very sad and cry - but as you've also seen with me - my life goes on and I'm v v happy because I've got lots of lovely things in my life - most of all you two. So I'm a good example of how people can lose parents and be sad but also still live and be happy....

...or...Enough of that. Let's think and talk about what good stuff is happening tomorrow/ what happened today...etc etc - and get them to describe in detail something positive...

My worst fear of course is that I WILL die before they've fully grown and got a full life of their own. But I suppose this must be everyone's fear and as a parent, my task is to model managing the fear of death, despite feeling the fear and resistance to it.

Don't necessarily conclude your DC is anything other than having a normal phase at present. Children go through lots of different phases and come out the other side and are fine. I think of you try not to show your own concern about their fear and upset, that this will help - otherwise they play on your emotions.

My twins currently have a'joke' going on in that every single time I say something they don't like eg "No you can't have a snack before lunch", they say, "I'm going to commit suicide!" Yes, I freaked out when they first came out with this but now we laugh about it and then they model their teddy bears committing suicide by jumping off the end of the bed, when the other bear punches it and then they laugh too.

they know this is playing and they also know that it'd be something completely different and v serious if someone really means this. So I give them credit to know the difference and don't take it to heart, despite sometimes worrying inside me what if they continue using this threat in adolescence, when I think I'd respond differently - unless they were also using it to wind me up!

[CAZ46]

Hi Solo2 - yes you are absolutely right and I have found that as a mum I am using the "softer love approach". I also have a teenage son who is using the tougher approach and has said a few times "get over it we all die sometime!!!". Both are working well together! My youngest son is reading the book "what to do when you worry too much" that another mum recommended. What an amazing book and my son has said it has been so helpful and he has recommended it to a couple of his friends going through the same thing! Mumsnet is a fab website and I will continue to use it. Thanks all luv CAZ46x