Don't think I love my baby

[whensmydayoff]

I have a 9 week old DD and I don't think I love her .

I have a 2.8 yr old DS and I felt such strong feelings for him when he was born. I doted on him as you should do and I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen (naturally)!!

He was hard work and by 3 months I struggled to feed him and by 4 months he was diagnosed with reflux and put on meds. He still smiled inbetween feeds. He still lay in his cot and slept or slept in his pram from time to time. I felt sorry for him when he was in pain and crying and I loved him indefinitely.

My DD has much worse reflux. I can't believe it's happening again. I was struggling to feed her by 4 weeks and she was put on meds at 7 weeks. It helps a bit. Instead of her screaming 24/7, she screams for about 4-6 hours a day or night.

My DH can calm her and she loves sleeping on him but all she wants from me is milk.
If I try to calm her she just roots like mad to get to my breast and ends up screaming even more.
Babies with reflux do either of two things - don't feed much as the pain puts them off (that was DS) or try to feed constantly because the immediate feeling of the milk soothing their throat feels good but over feeding makes reflux symptoms even worse - cue the screaming.

I can't lie her in her expensive new pram so it's going on e-bay.
She can only sleep on her tummy so the mobile is made redundent. We have to put the hairdryer on day and night to calm her a bit - she doesnt like the white noise CD's we bought her, or the reflux chair.
The Osteopath couldn't help her after 6 visits he gave in!
Ive bought an ergo baby carrier but it's hard carrying her weight (she is heavy) and pushing DS in buggy. I can't lift him in or out etc so it's not ideal.

Yesterday I was trying to stare at her to make myself feel more and what happened - I noticed she has my husbands and in-laws eyes and not mine and DS's and it bugged me even more - how weird is that.
I started thinking she was a bit ugly, not like my beautiful DS. I know how awful that is but im being very honest and I hate the fact I was even thinking it, it's madness.

In the morning she bugs me the most. I feed her then can't put her down without her turning purple screaming. So poor DS doesn't get dressed for hours. I can't even put the dishes in the dishwasher or get my bloody shoes on to get out.

I feel exhausted and fed up, totally withdrawn from her.

Has anyone ever felt like this or am I just evil?

[Reallytired]

Please talk to your health visitor. I am sure you aren't evil, but you may well have postnatal depression. Don't feel ashamed, its really common and easily treatable if caught early.

[rubyslippers]

oh goodness - i felt like this with DS

he had terrible silent reflux and screamed all the time. I did everything i was meant to - kept him clean, warm, dressed etc but i didn't get the rush of love.

some days i couldn't get dressed as he screamed all the time - i couldn't stand it

it isn't evil - you are sleep deprived and have a poorly, demanding child

[MarineIguana]

You poor thing, this all sounds exhausting. It's not surprising you focus your negative feelings on her as she has come along and changed everything.

But I don't think it has to stay like this - she's still so tiny. Often these reflux, colic etc problems do resolve themselves - and has she got meds for it? People do sometimes say they don't bond with their baby but then it sorts itself out later.

Also go to the GP or HV and talk about how you feel - they might be able to help. Meanwhile get your DH to play as big a role as he can - could he have the odd day off work or at the weekend where he spends it mostly looking after her and you get a break and/or time with DS?

[browny]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and are having such a hard time atm,

I don't know much about reflux but a friend of mine had a baby who suffered terribly with it and she was totally exhausted just like you - her g.p. prescribed a special formulae and within days she had a totally different baby and mum was happy for the first time since her baby was born.

I know you are breastfeeding, but maybe a visit to a good g.p. would be helpful, sending you hugs .

[whensmydayoff]

rubyslippers, when did you grow to love DS more?

Yes she is on meds but it's so severe that there are times when last dose runs out or new dose hasn't kicked in yet and thats the 4-6 hours of screaming im still getting.

I would love to put her on bottles which is not like me to think that so early on considering when the meds work, feeding her is easy. I struggled so much with DS between not being able to latch him on properly for months then oral thrush and then the reflux causing feeding probs but I never wanted to give in until he was 5 months and I was burnt out with it.

With DD. Id happily give in tomorrow but she won't except the bottle. She loves breast feeding and even when DH perseveres and she finally gives in, she only takes about 50-60mls then refuses to go back on then screams for hours after it.

I think if she would bottle feed and start relaxing around me and my breasts more it would help but she won't!
I also think the formula makes reflux worse, probably because it sits in her stomach longer.

I am worn out. I will mention to Doc tomorrow as I have an appointment for 8 week check and I want to discuss the meds running out to quickly and not being strong enough.
I have to tell someone how I feel because I know being a second time mum how weird my feelings are.

[Openbook]

You have my sympathy. I was a very dutiful mother while ds1 screamed at me or slept. I just got nothing back from him. DH was great but when we were on our own I really struggled to love ds1. It got better bit by bit as the weeks and months went by and when ds2 came along and was so much easier everything changed, like a light going on. Hold on in there and I do hope you will find help from professionals who will have heard this before and should reassure you.

[rubyslippers]

honestly - when he was around 1 ish

he was ill all the time - not just with reflux but with D & V, bronchiolitis, and more during his first few months and it was relentless.

when he hit 15/16 months i fell utterly in love and that has continued to grow

i am much more a toddler than a baby person to be honest

reflux is the pits - you have my utter sympathies

breastfeeding is the best thing for a refluxy baby - much more gentle on their tummies but that can also feel like another chore. DS fed ALL the time ...

[MumNWLondon]

I had trouble bonding with my DS.

I bonded with my DD straight away, she was perfect baby - fed well, slept well and happy to lie under babygym for hours on end.

DS was more normal (ie in terms of needing attention, and feeds in night) but no medical issues like reflux.

I would go to see friends with new babies and they'd all gush about how much they loved them and all I could think about was that my PFB DD was in nursery and not with me . (DD looks like DH, DS looks more like me)

But the feelings passed, esp when I stopped bf (he was impatient feeder refused to suck if not much milk there, bit me instead) and then he slept better.

[whensmydayoff]

Do you think this will last forever though. I mean, what if when we have a bad start with a baby we never feel what we should or end up prefering another sibling.

I feel awful. Bad start to a mother daughter relationship.

[addictedtofrazzles]

You poor thing - I do think it is worth talking to someone about how you feel and make sure that you have some support.

With regards to reflux, you have my sympathies. My DS struggled to bf (underbite, therefore couldn't latch on) and after 4 weeks of expressing, he was ff. He had silent reflux. If you decide to ff, you could try Enfamil AR (anti-reflux) - it is a prescription formula but most chemists will sell it to you (and if it works you can then get a prescription for it). Honestly, after the 1st bottle, I had a content, settled baby. Be warned, you will need a much bigger teat and it needs to be made with cooled (boiled) water so a bit of a faff, but SO worth it.

Also, the meds should work so maybe it is worth checking she is having the right combinations and quantities. Are they prescribed by your GP or a Paediatrician?

Of course it won't last forever. Once you have a calmer baby and you have slept, you will feel so much more positive. Don't feel guilty and make sure you talk lots to your DH.

Big hugs

[tanmu82]

I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Some babies (unintentionally) can be very demanding. She isn't doing it on purpose and she is in a lot of pain herself, but I'm sure you feel totally wiped out. I struggled for the first 6 weeks of DD's life. I never felt I didn't love her and thought she was the most gorgeous little girl ever, but when she screamed at me for 4 hours solid a night with feeding issues I began to feel like it was personal, I was so exhausted. I had to hand her over to DH on occasion or I thought I would lose my sanity (DS was only 15 months and would wake just as she finally settled around dawn!)

Talk to your HV or doc, get as much help with DS and the house as poss and rest when you can. It WILL get easier, and of course you love your baby, however it feels at the moment....

[AliGrylls]

Of course you are not evil. You are just exhausted.

ds had reflux and I remember when I was having my worse struggles I wondered if I was cut out to be a mother, if I loved him enough. I know it is not exactly the same but now that he is over the worst of it I can see that a lot of my negative feelings were caused by tiredness and anxiety.

[MamaVoo]

I felt like it. I suspect it's quite normal though not very talked about it. The love came slowly, probably started feeling loving towards him at around 6 months and by one year I utterly adored him. Of course I worried that I was evil and that I would never love him. I can see now that I was depressed although I couldn't recognise it at the time. I'd recommend talking to your GP or HV.

[Sariska]

Poor you. I empathise so much with what you're saying. My DS was very similar: silent reflux, fed all the time, wouldn't sleep unless held upright, cried all the time, the whole shebang.... And I got more desperate than I'd ever have thought possible. Especially as I felt so guilty about the fact that I really didn't like this baby. There was love there - how, I don't know - but it was fragile and easily overwhelmed by my strong feelings of dislike. But, but...it got better. It really did - with paediatrician prescribed meds, an amby hammock for sleeping and, um, time. And one day, I realised that that little boy was my world. The memory of those torturous early months was still there but it ceased to matter so much because the love (and the liking) just grew and grew. It still is.

Sorry for that ramble but I wanted to add to the other posters' experiences and try to give you some reassurance that was you are experiencing now is not how it's always going to be. Your baby will get better - because that's the nature of reflux - and your feelings will change - because that's the nature of mother love (we don't all get the wham, bam, love you and like you NOW moment straight after delivery).

You do, though, have to work out how to live through the here and now. As has already been said, maybe get your DD's meds reassessed. And do consider talking to someone. I didn't and it still surprises me that I avoided PND. You might avoid it too but perhaps a safety net in place might feel comforting?

Good luck.

[Openbook]

I'm sure this won't last forever. I adore my son now and have done for many years. My love for my son now is bound into my being and is felt in my guts rather than my heart.