MIL Rant!! Help me keep from yelling at her!!!

[MrsMc82]

Really cross with my MIL she seems intent on coming over to our house to see our new ds as much at possible but only when convnient for her.....
she was meant to come over tonight after work which would have fitted in with feeding sleeping ect perfectly but she didn't turn up till 7 and then was stroppy when we wanted to put him down for his sleep which he was ready for consequently I caved into the guilt, kept him up for an extra hour and now he's over tired and has been crying since we put him down.
Second time I've been guilted into seeing her when its not convenient for us - actually am prob more cross with myself than her for not standing up to her....
She was so stroppy that she hung up on dh the other day when he told her that we couldn't have them over on sunday as we were waiting for MW to come but suggested sat morning for a couple of hours instead - She refused as she doesn't get up early at the weekends so ended up being guilted into going to their house them on sat pm which we'd set aside meant to be for me to be resting (have got an infection in my CS wound atm so meant to be taking it easy)....
Don't want to feel constantly obligated to see her at her conveience instead of ours and I actualy don't think its fair to be expected to by her.... At moment she want us to see her every weekend and some week nights too -i don't like spending time with her she's not interested in us, she just wants to see ds - but I still really worry about what she thinks of me and know our ds needs his nan so just need to get a grip and tell her when is and isn't convenient for us....
Really frustrating that my parents have made every effort to make sure when we see them is at our convenience and openly said to tell them if they're being overbearing si makes ILs approach even more of a contrast.....
Right phew! have vented now! sorry for such ridiculous post just needed to get that out.....
Anyone got any tips for managing MILs???

[TidyBush]

In the words of the Grange Hill cast - "just say no".

TBH your DH needs to head this up and 'protect' both you and your new DS, by stating firmly that you need to get proper rest and spend time together as a family.

Give her a time to come over that suits you and if she can't well it's just tough luck then - she'll have to wait until next time.

[ToffeeCrumble]

Your dh needs to deal with the arrangements and to state very firmly that if she comes over she must come over at so and so time as last time when she came at 7, your baby got overtired and upset. If she still pisses you around, you will have to put her off coming over for a while until things are more settled.

[WingedVictory]

If you and DH are on the same side in this, that is the best first step.

I suppose it's a matter of practising saying no. Role-playing might help, with either you or DH taking turns to say "MIL-like unreasonable". Start out polite-but-firm, but if she persists, you can move on to explaining why you are so tired (the CS complications), why DS

Think of it as standing up for your DS, and also practising for being parents of an older child, who needs to hear "no" and have boundaries set. If you can't do it with your MIL/DH's mother, you are going to really struggle later with your DS! Get in training now!

[Spannerweb]

The selfish, lazy arsed bitch. For a start, I wouldn?t be arsing about trailing over to hers on a regular basis with all the shite you?ll need to cart there with you for a start ? especially if she can?t be frigged to get up on a Saturday morning. It is totally unreasonable to even expect that of you.

What I?d do is emphasise at the time you arrange for her to come over, that it will HAVE to be that time because he?s going to bed or you?re going out somewhere etc.. If she says 5pm ? politely say, ?You won?t be any later than that though will you, because I can?t have him staying up any later?
If she doesn?t trap until 6pm and doesn?t see him because of it, that?s her problem ? not yours.

If need be, lie about arrangements you?ve already made for weekends and if possible, tell her outright you?ve got a lot on during the week so have asked family and friends not to call in the evenings.

[WingedVictory]

If you could manage to get your parents in the same room as her (a christening? welcome ceremony?) - without her blowing you off and coming at her convienience - perhaps you could get your parents to re-voice their sensible and sensitive sentiments about helping you. They could drive the point home by saying to her, "Isn't it terrible?"



Mind you, as I said, it only works if she comes when she is expected and invited!

The exclusion option is always a possibility, and may feel much less dreadful if you have settled your conscience by giving her these extra chances.

[coldtits]

Just don't answer the door!

[Triggles]

Suggest the Saturday morning, if it's a good time for you. If she says no because she sleeps in that day, just shrug and say "oh well, if that's more important to you than your grandson, that's your choice, I guess." Returning guilt trips are fun sometimes.

No, seriously, I would get used to putting your foot down and saying "no, sorry, but that's not convenient." She obviously has no problems saying it, so now you need to get comfortable with the phrase.

[posieparker]

Perhaps when she suggests coming over you just have to say 'Oh that's a shame ds will be in bed then'....or your DH can say that you'll be sleeping...

[Suze81]

She has forgotten what it is like to look after a newborn.

I don't think you will have this problem in the future, because after her behaviour I think you will be tougher. Next time she shows up, and bub is going to bed, you will put him to bed and ignore her pleads. (You can even say "sorry, but last time he got over-tired and it was too difficult to put him to bed out of his routine"). Next time you suggest a visit and it is inconvienient for her, do not suggest an alternative time, and if she suggests a time you do not like, say "sorry that will not work for us because....".

I'm sure you will have talked about this with your husband to, so hopefully he is on side and will back you up!

I'd be interested to know how you go for the future!!

[Suze81]

P.S I loved Madamdeathstares comment about advanced parenting practice, good call!

[Firawla]

if he goes to bed @ 7 just tell her she can not come after a certain time (maybe 6 or whatever you think?) so she will need to come @ the time you say or she can't see him. you have to be firm sometimes, my pils can be a bit like this too but i have now trained them about the bedtime a bit. just be persistant, she should be able to get the message, if your dh will also say it to her that should help.
if you keep letting her make inconvenient arrangements you will really resent it, because it does get extremely annoying!

[MrsMc82]

Thanks for the supportive messages everyone - really helps knowing you agree with me! Makes me feel like so much less of a bitch for being pissed off at her!
DH is on my side but also finds v hard saying no to his mum - he knows he need to "man up" and stand up to her though and like lots of you have said that its putting ds's interests first, not being awkward just for the sake of it (however tempting I might find that idea!!).
Line in the sand is firmly drawn and from now on we're standing up for ds's need for a relaxed and consistent bedtime routine - only person that can distrupt it is him!!
Thanks again for the support everyone
XXX

[MrsMc82]

Thanks for the supportive messages everyone - really helps knowing you agree with me! Makes me feel like so much less of a bitch for being pissed off at her!
DH is on my side but also finds v hard saying no to his mum - he knows he need to "man up" and stand up to her though and like lots of you have said that its putting ds's interests first, not being awkward just for the sake of it (however tempting I might find that idea!!).
Line in the sand is firmly drawn and from now on we're standing up for ds's need for a relaxed and consistent bedtime routine - only person that can distrupt it is him!!
Thanks again for the support everyone
XXX

[LittleSilver]

It sounds like you have your newborn in a really good routine. Fabulous. Now get your MiL in one. I'm not being facetious, but seriously, you need to model the behaviour you need and expect from her, otherwise when other DC come along she will do it all again! Good luck. And show your DH this thread!