Inconsistent Parenting at bedtime.

[ScarletSunshine]

How should I deal with the fact that my partner is totally inconsistent with our child at bedtime?

We have terrible problems getting her to sleep at night mostly as a result of my partner showing conflicting patterns that our daughter gets confused by.

Our daughter is 3. she's a well behaved and lovable, but when it comes to bedtime, she plays-up terribly.

I've recognised that it's an issue, and it's compounded by the fact that my partner changes the bedtime pattern to our daughter to suit whatever mood prevails.

Most evenings we promise our daughter a present if she learns to sleep in her own bed. We impress upon her that she needs to learn to sleep alone and happily.

But whenever it suits, my partner gets our daughter out of her childs' bed - and brings her to the matrimonial bed - simply for selfish comfort, and not for her own benefit!

Of course, our daughter wakes up in the morning thinking "yippee! I slept with mommy and daddy".

It has resulted in a passionate argument, and now a terrible impasse, with each of us frustrated and throwing accusations, but no solutions for our daughter.

How do I deal with this?
It's driving me mad and causing terrible fights between us.

[SheWillBeLoved]

How strange, why on earth would he disturb her by taking her out of her own bed when asleep, to sleep in your bed with you both..

Get him a doll

What comfort does he get out of this that is so important to him that it makes it okay to do cause such arguments and confuse your daughter?

[ScarletSunshine]

Well, I agree - it is strange, but worse: very confusing for our daughter.

On the issue of comfort: that's why it's so frustrating for me. A child's nuturing is at the expense of one parents whims.

On the idea of giving a doll - Very funny!

However, you have presumed my partner is a male, on the contrary, I am talking about my wife!

Now you can see why I posed my original post "in the neutral": and I ask all you mothers here now: how does the advice change simply because you've presumed it was the father who presented the problem?

Yet the problem remains: and I want to find a solution for the sake of my daughter.

[Undercovamutha]

Scarlet - how strange- I have just posted a thread wondering about a similar kind of thing!!!

[joe999]

Consistency is definitely the key to a calmer bedtime routine, and encouraging them to stay in their own bed all night.

I've had this situation where my DD (never been a great sleeper) has woken in the night, we try our best to keep going to her and settling her, without giving in to her requests to come in with us, however when you have been up and down like a yo yo all night, the easiest thing in the world is to give in - for want of a good nights sleep.

My DH and I try and support each other by taking in turns, and reminding ourselves that its for DD benefit in the end. We have sometimes - usually following several disturbed nights - turned on each other, but we try our best not to do this. It helps if you agree the best strategy together beforehand and show a united front.

One tactic we have used in the past which worked was introduce a blow up airbed into our room, with a kids sleeping bag on top. This became a short term compromise. Before going to bed we told our DD that if she were to wake in the night she would no longer be allowed in mum and dads bed, as she was a big girl now and we all needed our sleep - or we'd be grumpy! - but she could sleep on the little bed next to us.

This really worked as she got to be near us, and therefore knew we were there, but we all managed to get the sleep we needed. She was never allowed to sleep there all night though - just if she woke in the middle of the night.

She soon realised there was no benefit to being there and would often go back to her own bed. After a few nights she was back to sleeping through - and if she did wake up was easily settled again.

[DaddyJ]

Yes, that would massively annoy me, too.

Are you sure it's for the benefit of your wife only or does she believe that she's doing it for your dd?
She might not want to tell you the real reason because she knows you disapprove.

What I usually need to do in these conflict situations is: Calm down and don't turn it into something bigger than it is.

You might want to do the unthinkable: Stop objecting and let her do it.
In addition, let her deal with the fallout, too!

[MrsBadger]

same q as daddyj

I know dh didn't understand why dd ended up in our bed so often (admittedly when she was a lot smaller than 3), because a) he often slept through her crying and b) even if he did wake it wasn't him who was having to get out of bed to feed her.

You need a joint strategy you can both agree on, and if she finds it hard to put a (presumably distressed) dd back to bed when she wakes in the night, but agrees this is what needs to happen, then I can only suggest you volunteer for the first few (inevitably tough) weeks.

[ScarletSunshine]

Yes, but the point is that we're not talking about a baby here who needs nocturnal feeding, we're talking about a 3 year old (who knows underneath it all, that she should sleep alone sooner or later) and a mother who's behaving like a baby.

Thanks you Daddy3, for one of the few sensible pieces of advice here:

"What I usually need to do in these conflict situations is: Calm down and don't turn it into something bigger than it is.

You might want to do the unthinkable: Stop objecting and let her do it.
In addition, let her deal with the fallout, too!"

That's a good point: and generally I give-in to her as I cannot stand to make trouble between us. But we're expecting another baby in 6 weeks and how shall we deal with our 3 year old and new-born sleeping all together?

(Interesting that By SheWillBeLoved has gone quiet now)

[MrsBadger]

can I get this totally clear - the 3yo is not waking up in the night, and your havily pg dp is getting her out of bed and bringing her into yours anyway?

what happens when the 3yo does wake? do you put her back to bed? does dp (if she feels like it)?

[DaddyJ]

First of all: The very best of luck, hope everything goes smoothly!

You sound like a really strong-minded Dad who wants everything to be just right but be careful: it's a team effort.

Don't be dismissive of your wife's needs, particularly as she is heavily pregnant.
She might just not be emotionally up to being strict with your dd at night time.
Make allowances. Be generous to her and do your best to limit the 'rod for your own back' effect but don't worry too much.

I do most of the night time parenting round here and I see eye to eye with you on the need for consistency and firmness.
What I had to learn, though, is that sometimes I need to relax and go with the flow (yes, like dead fish..).

Let me reassure you: even if you completely cave in and let your partner 'mess' everything up,
you should be able to get your dd back into good sleep habits within a week or two once you are both mentally (and physically) fresh and ready to tackle this in earnest.

Right now, go and give your partner your unconditional support. Nothing else really matters.