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I hate it when DH rings me up at work to tell me how badly things are going at home. Am I being unfair?

(61 Posts)
dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:04:19

As most of you know, DH is a SAHD and I work four days a week. I get home about 6.30 p.m. most nights, although about once a week I have to stay later.

One thing I have always found difficult is that if DH is having problems at home with one or more of the DSs, he rings me at work to moan about it over the phone. I really hate this. It would be fine if he were ringing to ask me specific questions to which I might know the answer, but when it's just generalised moaning, it really exasperates me because there's nothing I can do to help, and I just feel like saying, "Well, you get a **ing job then, and let me stay at home with them." I just hate it when I have a room full of people here at work, and he's moaning on at me and I can hear one or more DSs shrieking and screaming in the background.

Am I being unfair? Do those of you who are SAHMs do this to your DHs? I find it just gets me in a right state so I find it hard to concentrate on work (so here I am on mumnset ).

Blackduck Mon 04-Jul-05 16:06:35

Have to admit my DP is at the other end of the spectrum - if I didn't phone occasionally I'd never know how it was going at home....! I get the odd 'what's there for lunch?' and 'ETA? type calls and thats it...

spacedonkey Mon 04-Jul-05 16:06:56

My husband used to do this to me when he was a SAHD and I too used to get upset about it. I used to wonder why he did it when he knew that there was nothing I could do about it!

purpleturtle Mon 04-Jul-05 16:07:27

I do hope I don't phone dh to moan. I have been known to phone to ask him to talk to the kids when they're getting the better of me! And I'll phone to tell him cute stuff they've done too. Oh, i do phone if I'm feeling a bit bored. In my defence, he works in a pretty relaxed environment with lots of people who have young families too.

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:14:19

purpleturtle none of that sounds like moaning to me!

spidermama Mon 04-Jul-05 16:16:39

I sometimes 'phone my dh when he's at work to blow off about how awful it all is at home.
I must admit to feeling the odd bout of resentment that he's swanning around with sauve grown-ups who know how to make witty conversation and who don't spill things every couple of minutes and ask him to wipe their bottoms.

spidermama Mon 04-Jul-05 16:17:59

That said, when he's looking after the kids and I'm out he's constantly on the phone to me so I think it works both ways. Basically the one left at thome can feel very isolated.

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:18:00

That's interesting spidermama. I do think that sometimes DH is partly motivated by resentment. Trouble is, I am also motivated by resentment - because I wish I was the one at home!

bossykate Mon 04-Jul-05 16:18:48

dino, unfair? not sure. how happy are you with your respective roles?

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:19:58

Tbh, I would gladly swap places with him, but there's no chance of that!

bossykate Mon 04-Jul-05 16:20:03

ah. well, i for one don't blame you, but nothing constructive to add, sorry.

jessicaandbumpsmummy Mon 04-Jul-05 16:21:17

i phone DH about 4/5 times a day when he is at work - let him know what me and jess are up to and if she stresses me out then yeah i have a rant. DH is great at dealing with my calls though and often calms me down so im in a better frame of mind to deal with Jess. If i cant vent to him, who can i!

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:21:43

That's okay, bossykate. Just as perhaps he finds it therapeutic to have a moan at me, I also find it therapeutic to have a moan on here!

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:22:37

I suppose it is partly mummy-guilt on my part - I feel bad if I hear DS3 crying, because he's only 11 months old and part of me thinks that he should still be with me.

QueenOfQuotes Mon 04-Jul-05 16:24:41

"I sometimes 'phone my dh when he's at work to blow off about how awful it all is at home"

Snap - but he never calls me if things are going all to pot when I'm out

Nemo1977 Mon 04-Jul-05 16:25:55

i will admit as a sahm i do phone my dh to moan when ds is being demon child..although last week he pretty much came out with the response u often think which shocked me a bit. I do realise it is hard to hear someone moaning all the time but at the same time it is very isolating being at home with a toddler and having no one to vent to..

Fio2 Mon 04-Jul-05 16:28:28

yes i do to my Dh too, sorry dino i suppose it is irritating

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:29:29

It's interesting that several of you have mentioned how isolating it is to be the one at home. It's difficult for me to see that because I've never been in that position (apart from for the four months I was on maternity leave with DS1 - which I loved!).

spidermama Mon 04-Jul-05 16:29:32

Come to think of it, it must be really frustrating when you're trying to do a job of work to have someone phone you up to blow off about something you can do nothing about at that point in time. Especially something which has the potential to really get to you.

mytwopenceworth Mon 04-Jul-05 16:29:35

maybe he is phoning for your support. i know when my dh is working i phone him and yell down the phone ive had enough of YOUR kids, im going to throttle them arrgghhhhh, i am offloading the stress and ensuring that i dont reach breaking point!! i get it out of my system and go back to them a calm and better able to cope mummy! maybe you could arrange a regular time of the day to phone him instead and then say that him calling you at work should be emergency only, so you call him every day during your lunch and he can moan about anything then? that way you dont get interrupted when you are busy but you are sending the clear message to him that you understand his stresses too and he's important to you?

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:30:28

Fio2 it's not so much that it's irritating, it's more that it makes me feel upset, and useless that I can't do anything to make things better. I mean, obviously I could drop everything and go straight home...but that's hardly realistic.

Nemo1977 Mon 04-Jul-05 16:32:09

dinosaur the first few months are fab cos its novel..ive been home nearly 2 yrs now and am expecting number 2 so face a prospective further 3 yrs at least being home. Not that i resent being with my son but it is difficult having only a toddler for company or cbeebies...why do u think so many of us are on MN allll the time

dinosaur Mon 04-Jul-05 16:32:39

mytwopenceworth - I know, and we do communicate at other times during the day - we always arrange in the morning who is going to phone/email who - so it's not as if I just forget all about them.

I suppose I already feel that I give DH more support than most working DH's give their partners. But looking after three under-sixes is not easy, I know.

Nemo1977 Mon 04-Jul-05 16:33:13

also think cos we are not in the other persons place [ie if i was at work am sure i would feel like u and my dh do} its hard to appreciate the difficulties for each

purpleturtle Mon 04-Jul-05 16:33:40

The isolation kicks in at a point where all you can see ahead of you is more of this - be it bottom-wiping, drink-mopping, CBeebies, swing-pushing, toddler groups, whatever. And grass-is-greener syndrome makes you think that your other half gets to have fun, or at least, adult conversation, when they're out of the house. I think it's easier to handle if you're on a fixed term, such as maternity leave. Then you're more likely to concentrate on the good stuff.

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