What does it mean to be a 'pushy parent' ?

[Pitchounette]

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[Tee2072]

I don't think any of those make you a pushy parent, but I am not British either!

And when DS starts school? I'll be asking all of those questions and more.

Who cares if people think you are pushy? I call it being a good, involved parent, myself.

[AMumInScotland]

A pushy parent is anyone who is more involved in the detail of their child's life than the person who is accusing them of it.

Personally, I wouldn't count "asking what level my child is on" as pushy - that seems normal. But telling the teacher that the child ought to be on a different level would seem to me to be pushy.

That's because I would have done the first without any hesitation, but wouldn't have done the second.

[Pitchounette]

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[Bonsoir]

Pitchounette - I think there are massive French/English differences between expectations of what children should achieve and when. The French are super-pushy on some things I don't think the English really care about and vice versa. Hence your confusion, probably, when an English person qualifies as "pushy parenting" something that is bog-standard in France.

[Pitchounette]

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[notanidea]

.Bonsoir what do the french push their children where british fail- just interested

BTW - I dont think what you have mentioned above is being pushy.

[AMumInScotland]

I think it depends how you go about things which often makes the difference between it being pushy and not. Like I said, I wouldn't go in and tell the teacher that my child ought to be on a different level. But I would have gone in, or mentioned at parents evening, that I felt they were managing the existing books very easily and could be more chalenged, giving the teacher the chance to say something like "Yes, but he needs to focus on comprehension in an easier book for now" or "I haven't reassesed his level for a while, I'll take a look"

I don't understand why some parents on here seem so scared of going in to speak to the teacher in case they seem pushy - I'm sure the teacher would rather have a conversation with the parent so they both understand each other, than have the parents fretting secretly. But when I was a child, parents just never came into the school apart from parents evenings, and never asked the teacher what was happening or why, so maybe it goes back to that attitude?

[AMumInScotland]

It's maybe also the British thing about "causing a scene", the Brits are far more worried about embarassing themselves in front of other people than some nationalities, and will often tie themselves in knots about "What will people think of me?" when a situation could have been handled more easily by just being honest about it and not worrying about other people's opinions. Specially because those other people are usually just as worried about how you think of them as the other way round.

[Pitchounette]

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[Pitchounette]

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[Pitchounette]

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[AMumInScotland]

No, I think not caring about your child's education or welfare would be far worse. But I don't think Mumsnet gets many parents who would be like that, since they wouldn't bother to join a parenting forum either, so the worst thing that parents on here see is probably the extreme of pushiness, and not the extreme of neglect. And extreme pushiness is damaging, if you reach the level of some of the "helicopter parents" you hear about, who hover over their children long after they should have taught them to be independent.

But showing an interest in your child's education is generally a good thing!

[Bonsoir]

The French are much "pushier" about etiquette than the British - little children are expected to say Bonjour Madame, Au Revoir Monsieur, give people kisses for greetings etc from a very young age indeed. They are expected to be able to cope on their own without a known adult at, say, parties or on a holiday course much younger too. From experience, if as a parentyou take your two year old to the doctor still in nappies, you get an earful!

As Pitchounette quite rightly points out, the British are "pushier" than the French on reading and counting age.

[Bonsoir]

Pitchounette - we were on holiday recently with some lovely friends who are, however, definitely "helicopter parents". It was quite an eye-opener to us, and, having spent several days in their company, quite easy to see where several of their parenting problems (that they quite openly acknowledge) derive from. It is very counter productive to constantly intervene in your DCs actions as they never get the opportunity to practise anything in peace. Most skills require a lot of practice.

[CatJosephine]

Pitchounette, am I right in thinking that generally French parents trust the teachers to do their job?

here in the UK parents "know better" esp when teaching to read.

[Bonsoir]

Absolutely not! French parents traditionally do far, far more homework support than British parents. There is a whole "homework support" (sort of tutoring) industry here now that so many mothers WOHM.

TBH, I'm not sure you can get through school here without masses of parental support.

[thedollyridesout]

I'm not sue pushiness and helicopter parenting go hand in hand. Reasons for the latter are possibly a lot more complex than for the former.

Being 'pushy' can sometimes be about people striving for what they think is rightfully theirs (or for their DC) but that idea doesn't equate with Bonsoir's.

I think keeping up with the Joneses is pushy. Constantly worrying that your DC will be outdone at swimming/rugby/tennis if they don't have lessons like so and so is unnecessary IMO.

[scottishmummy]

pushy to me is ott precocious braggy competitive parents.compete with other parents/children.overall pita

4yo maximus is so clever at cello/mandarin/spelling/trigonometry - is your dc still reading kipper books?

[SofaQueen]

"A pushy parent is anyone who is more involved in the detail of their child's life than the person who is accusing them of it." Excellent definition!

The French are also much pushier about table etiquette from a very young age. MIL is shocked that my children won't sit quietly through a 3 hour meal (ages 6 and 21 months), and frowns on my crutches of iPod Touch and crayons to keep the children quiet at the table.

[HerBeatitude]

oh I think any assumption that you know your child better than a teacher/ doctor/ any other professional does, qualifies you as a pushy parent.

[scottishmummy]

global belief that dc are genius and everyone else slack/lazy/deficient is pushy.inability to accept contrary opinion of maximus abilities is pushy

[thedollyridesout]

What about teacher/doctor/other professional as parent - does that make a difference?

Maybe that makes you extra pushy .

Re: the French thing - I don't think it's pushy to operate within the cultural norm, only perhaps if you take it to extremes.

[bubblagirl]

i would find a pushy parent someone who expects there child to excel above the child's ability and pushes the child for extra to achieve this and demand from professionals for way above the child's ability

i know someone who's poor child is so sad as has no time with friends or being a child as in every club going and weekend extra tuition his so young too its sad i think a child should be a child with support and encouragement for there abilities but not to be pushed and put in all sorts of things above there abilities and to let them be children and find there forte and then help and encourage them

[scottishmummy]

tution,extra classes and timetable of activities are pushy